By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1327

You deserved it

973

Tweet

Share

Sorry…

Technologically challenged

Motormouth

By nocatlover - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31621

You deserved it

3373

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35148

You deserved it

3044

Tweet

Share

By lumi - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47103

You deserved it

5487

Tweet

Share

By Fat and Embarrassed - United States - Palmdale

Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12691

You deserved it

1333

Tweet

Share

By Nochnoii - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31561

You deserved it

13204

Tweet

Share

By omfgfmlife - United States

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32226

You deserved it

3043

Tweet

Share

By Bucks9 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48142

You deserved it

7099

Tweet

Share

By Mj - Canada - Windsor

Today, I farted in a public pool and watched in horror as bubbles of death gas floated up beside my son who started calling me the fart monster in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11698

You deserved it

4205

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/3/2021 15:30 - United States

Gratitude

Today, I found out my boyfriend of four years, whom I have stuck by through every hardship, including his ongoing battle with military PTSD, is cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1143

You deserved it

74

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was just a few days away from starting the training for my promotion to management, which involved a healthy pay raise and full time benefits. Today, news came down that the company is filing for bankruptcy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25289

You deserved it

1559

Tweet

Share

By the long distance guy - United States - Waterbury

Today, I realized how boring and sexually deprived my life is when I found a gas station ten cents cheaper than the one I usually use. It gave me both an asthma attack and an erection, simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47670

You deserved it

6964

Tweet

Share

By wtf is a naruto?! - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1858

You deserved it

145

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32675

You deserved it

3092

Tweet

Share

By Numb - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50330

You deserved it

7014

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14130

You deserved it

47942

Tweet

Share

By Joe - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54297

You deserved it

4129

Tweet

Share

By gwen - 13/4/2021 08:00 - United States

Bad day

Today, it's my birthday. I found out I have Covid. Also, the police kicked me out of the hotel I'm quarantining in. This is still not my worst birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

784

You deserved it

72

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Vista

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35768

You deserved it

5714

Tweet

Share

By trick or not treat - France

Today, I bought fifteen bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters. I sat outside with a bowl of candy the whole night. Only one person came. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37299

You deserved it

7203

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21449

You deserved it

2572

Tweet

Share

By chi-huaHUA - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29040

You deserved it

6737

Tweet

Share

By liynda - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34001

You deserved it

15523

Tweet

Share

By 530gangsta

Today, while having sex I managed to chip my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3266

You deserved it

394

Tweet

Share

By leonuniz - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35411

You deserved it

5095

Tweet

Share

By SweetFA - Canada

Today, I brought my little sons into work with me. I introduced them to my boss. She said to my shy kids, "You boys don't know me, do you? I'm Janice." The older one lit up and said, "Oh, I know you, mommy complains about you all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44427

You deserved it

17102

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Don't worry!

Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1818

You deserved it

502

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12472

You deserved it

867

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6907

You deserved it

321

Tweet

Share

By Pauline - United States

Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20712

You deserved it

2449

Tweet

Share

By summer - 26/3/2021 21:30

Gross dude

Today, I had to beg my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This is a basic weekly argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks

769

You deserved it

287

Tweet

Share

By Why - Australia - Sydney

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44474

You deserved it

6279

Tweet

Share

By Cress

Today, my dad asked what I wanted for my birthday. The only thing I wanted was the complete series of Dragon Ball Z on DVD. He just sighed, shook his head, and asked me to pick something normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4213

You deserved it

1963

Tweet

Share

By fuckingfloridahowihatethee - United States - Punta Gorda

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39325

You deserved it

5384

Tweet

Share

By Beesmakemerun

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4191

You deserved it

525

Tweet

Share

By fmlsrsly - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69358

You deserved it

30150

Tweet

Share

By Ethan_18 - United States

Today, as my 12 hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30894

You deserved it

2485

Tweet

Share

By annonymous - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36218

You deserved it

2693

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, when I lifted myself up a little bit. What I was not prepared for was my boyfriend leaning down to kiss my neck. We collided heads, hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24848

You deserved it

6506

Tweet

Share

By omen - 2/9/2020 10:01 - Indonesia - Majalengka

The future

Today, I have to take care of my abusive grandpa. He's smearing poop all over the wall and peeing on the bed again. It's still morning and I'm bracing myself for doing this five times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1542

You deserved it

98

Tweet

Share

By "Shadley Chase Teladia" - South Africa - Johannesburg

Coincidence plays tricks on us!

Today, I finally got to meet the parents of the girl in which I have been dating for 3 months. I discovered that a month before we started dating, I had a one-night stand with her sister. And a week before that, I had a grinding session with her mother at a bar. No one is saying anything and her father is really bulky. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2728

You deserved it

1883

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By coolmike699 | 26

#7853958 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:07

How do you fall asleep at a birthday party for 5 year olds? Do you have a sleep superpower or something?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7853959 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:38

Be glad they didn't pass out penis-shaped cookies?

COMMENTS

By coolmike699 | 26

#7853958 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:07

How do you fall asleep at a birthday party for 5 year olds? Do you have a sleep superpower or something?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7853959 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:38

Be glad they didn't pass out penis-shaped cookies?

Reply

Surewhatever | 35

#7854038 - Friday 25 October 2019 14:09

Ha, that was my first thought too!

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7853988 - Friday 25 October 2019 8:47

I have been to a party for five-year-olds. It would take a lot of happy juice to be able to fall asleep during one,

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7854060 - Friday 25 October 2019 16:30

Could be worse you could have a penis on your far head.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7854171 - Saturday 26 October 2019 3:27

Silly kid. That's not how you give someone a rhinoplasty.

...The penis cookie jokes have been done already...

By E2dav | 5

#7854244 - Saturday 26 October 2019 10:24

Time to get the fake tan & cover it up