By Anonymous

It's the new thing!

Today, I fell asleep while at an outside birthday party in the sun for a five-year-old. That five-year-old put an animal cracker on my forehead. I now have a rhino-shaped tan line. FML

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Family values

Very fishy

Time to run

By noname - France

Today, I decide to go to my ex-girlfriend's house to bring her stuff back. I broke up with her earlier this week after a 2 year relationship, and I'd hoped she would have realized her mistake and ask me to stay for a bit and talk. I ring the doorbell and her new boyfriend opens the door. FML

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By Jjh99q - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards, he said he was in love with me and that he wants to be with me forever. It was also at this time I realised that I can't stand him. FML

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

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By wearashirt - United States

Today, I had to take a test that's required to pass the class. The test administor told us that those of us who were wearing hoodies would have to take them off. I would have taken mine off, but I was only wearing a bra underneath. There's no other days I can reschedule the test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Placentia

Today, at my job, an old lady kept calling her inhaler a blow job. I kindly explained to her why she couldn't call her inhaler that. She continued to ask me for a blow job in front of visitors. I had to say yes. FML

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By BrandonDrapeau - United States - Sparta

Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML

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By UnfortunatelySingle - United States - Portland

Today, I wanted to text my girlfriend but lately we'd been at a loss for things to talk about. I thought, "Come on, she's your girlfriend, what's the worst that could happen." One hour and twenty two minutes later, I was single. FML

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By Shoes - United States

Today, I was helping an old man find a pair of shoes. I told him about a particularly comfortable pair but had to inform him that they only came in black or white. Hearing this, the old man grabbed me around the neck and began to beat me in the head with our display shoe. He wanted brown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was telling my girlfriend about how my parents are flying out to Japan today on vacation. She was shocked at how short the flight will be, because "It's on the other side of the world." We live in the USA, and it seems I'm dating a Flat Earther. FML

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By fucked up dad - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

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By dammit - United States

Today, my father's company shut down his branch, leaving him without a job. This is followed by a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying I'm not getting a penny because my family's income level is too high. FML

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By shugette212 - United States

Today, I found the Christmas candy that I'd hidden a year ago. Turns out I wasn't the only living creature who had found it. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a letter from the Navy saying that they accepted my application to join the Navy. I never applied. FML

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By Noslo - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By OhhhNooo - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

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By shamwazzlefarznarfnarfwoofbaaa - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to teach my grandma how to burn files to CDs. I jokingly said that it doesn't involve literally burning the disks in fire, to which she responded by slapping me and calling me a patronizing brat. FML

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By Ari

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

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By shouldveknown - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

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By rune breaker

Today, I got the hiccups during an exam. I wasn't allowed to leave to get a drink of water, so I had to sit there and take my test while hiccuping violently. The teacher ended up sending me to the hall and ripping up my test for "distracting the other students". FML

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By Parusu - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

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By spiderlady - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

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By x_o - Hungary - ?ttev?ny

Today, it was my first day at my new job. I had to break up two fistfights, then leave work early with a black eye. This is not what I had in mind when I applied to work at a retirement home. FML

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By hunterchik

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

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By MoreActionThanMe - United States

Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML

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By Nicole Jones - 1/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Nooooooo… !

Today, after having a hard week, I decided to order a pizza with an expensive milkshake. It slipped out of my hand in front of the lift. It went everywhere. I had nothing on me to clean it up with. Now I’m milkshakeless, down £5, and accidentally responsible for littering my accommodation. FML

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By Waiter - France

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 years got engaged to a woman I can't stand. I work as a waiter at a catering company, they hired the company and requested me as a server for their engagement party. FML

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By Mc'xplosive

McGastric

Today, after months of avoiding fast food, I decided to eat some McDonald's french fries. Though the fries were delicious, they were not worth the agonizing 15 minutes I spent on the toilet afterwards. FML

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By Adrian16 - Norway

Today, I was vacuuming our house because I wanted to help my parents. I wore a headset while listening to REALLY loud music. The vacuuming job took me two hours and when I took of my headset I noticed that I hadn't started the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for 'impeding a police officer'. My car was in my driveway. FML

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By SMV - France

Today, my company was having a huge party. I got to work dressed in my best outfit. At the the lunch break my boss told me, "You really missed out on something yesterday, it was great fun!" FML

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By phonesmuggler - United States

Today, I briefly left my laptop while I went to use the toilet. When I came back, I found "I" had posted on Facebook, calling my mom a "stupid cunt who should just stay in the kitchen." The only other person home at the time was my grandpa. She didn't believe it, and permanently grounded me. FML

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By Oh... - Australia

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

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By kp - Australia

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

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Top comments

By coolmike699 | 26

#7853958 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:07

How do you fall asleep at a birthday party for 5 year olds? Do you have a sleep superpower or something?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7853959 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:38

Be glad they didn't pass out penis-shaped cookies?

COMMENTS

By coolmike699 | 26

#7853958 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:07

How do you fall asleep at a birthday party for 5 year olds? Do you have a sleep superpower or something?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7853959 - Friday 25 October 2019 6:38

Be glad they didn't pass out penis-shaped cookies?

Reply

Surewhatever | 35

#7854038 - Friday 25 October 2019 14:09

Ha, that was my first thought too!

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7853988 - Friday 25 October 2019 8:47

I have been to a party for five-year-olds. It would take a lot of happy juice to be able to fall asleep during one,

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7854060 - Friday 25 October 2019 16:30

Could be worse you could have a penis on your far head.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7854171 - Saturday 26 October 2019 3:27

Silly kid. That's not how you give someone a rhinoplasty.

...The penis cookie jokes have been done already...

By E2dav | 5

#7854244 - Saturday 26 October 2019 10:24

Time to get the fake tan & cover it up