Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my... - FML

By PuppyLove2009 - 13/11/2009 18:34 - United States

Today, I came home after a two week vacation to find that my wonderful dog had pooped and peed all over my room. My mother was kind enough to dog-sit; however, instead of helping me by cleaning up the horrid mess, she just left me coupons for Glade plug-in air fresheners. FML

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Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Not a cheating!

TMI

By seagull hater - 9/7/2012 15:44 - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

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By Gassy - 14/12/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, I was studying for one of my finals that I had later in the week but decided to take a break and play around with my boyfriend in bed for a couple hours. We decided to 69 for the first time, and everything was going great until out of nowhere, I loudly farted in his face. FML

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By Pooper scooper - 28/1/2014 08:22 - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By qld - 20/12/2016 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML

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By wekasdjkasldasdkasdzcawqe - 7/8/2013 20:55 - Sweden

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2015 20:55 - Australia - Caroline Springs

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

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By krizleykrislo - 30/4/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I was rollerblading in the university gardens and taking pictures. A worker started to yell at me, and I told him that I had perfect control and could stay on the sidewalk. As I turned to skate away, I faceplanted into a bed of prized rare flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 12:00 - Australia - Perth

Unforgettable

Today, it was my first day of work at my new job. I got dressed and arrived early, only to find out that the store had closed due to a power outage. Then I found out that the person who'd hired me had totally forgotten about hiring me anyway. FML

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By Emmmsie - 8/7/2017 18:00

Today, my new passport arrived, along with my expired one and its 20-year-old picture. I was comparing the photos when my husband came to look. He laughed and said, "Time is cruel." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 01:02 - United States - Mio

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - 21/11/2014 06:11 - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 11:56 - United States - Westminster

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It was also the first time he'd ever had sex. How could I tell? He cried all the way through, and called his parents right after. FML

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By Missy - 9/9/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

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By titov - 10/1/2009 14:41 - France

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

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By beatricesank - 23/5/2009 14:03 - Canada

Today, I was straightening my hair when I heard this crunching, sizzling sound. Taking the flat iron away, I realized that I had just fused a spider to my hair with the heat. FML

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By yeyt209 - 10/6/2012 07:46 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

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By Lola - 23/7/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

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By dadadoo - 6/2/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

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By omgitserika - 18/11/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By lizardhater - 12/3/2020 22:09 - Singapore

I'm Jim Morrison, I'm Dead

Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my boss in my police dept. told me to start enforcing the "no bikes on sidewalks" law which we usually ignore. I pulled up behind the first person I saw riding a bike on a sidewalk and flashed my lights. It turned out to be a boy with down syndrome who was so upset he cried and peed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2015 22:46 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

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By Jay - 10/4/2009 14:41 - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

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By hypocrite - 3/7/2012 16:43 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, my new boss gave everyone a lecture about sexual harassment in the workplace. Which would be fine if he'd been able to tear his gaze off my chest for more than a minute at a time. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while at a psychiatric hospital working as a student nurse, I discovered one of the patients had developed an unhealthy obsession for me. He was admitted for stalking and abusing a girl who looked just like me. It's only my first week. FML

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By mocass’1 - 13/10/2008 08:19 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Red flags

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was really excited to meet his brother, since his brother is his best friend. One of the first questions his brother asked me was, "He did tell you he isn't the handsome brother, right?" Followed by, "You aren't a feminist are you?" FML

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By Brayden - 10/1/2016 03:27 - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

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By Lady of Sorrows - 31/1/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2011 11:22 - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

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By suspended - 31/7/2016 15:39 - United States - Grand Blanc

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

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By soontobedivorced - 19/4/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

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By Danger. Hard Hat Area. - 28/1/2017 20:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, while walking past a construction site on my way to class, a hard hat fell off a roof and hit me on the head. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me. I bought boxers and cologne to make it look like I had a man here. I've been single since I moved away. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 02:56 - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2018 15:00

Today, a customer asked a question I couldn’t answer. I asked if she would wait while I consulted someone else, but she spat in my face and stormed off. My manager saw, wrote me up for refusing to help, and gave the woman a gift card for her troubles. FML

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By SomeDJ - 12/8/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

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By Hooperist - 25/5/2015 11:39 - United States - Murrieta

Today, while sick with the flu, I had the police called on me by my older neighbors downstairs. They thought I was hosting a party at 3 in the morning. I was really just throwing up constantly. FML

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By NotSoClean - 21/7/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2013 06:02 - Norway

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

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Top comments

By ppl2ppl | 4

#4649160 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 16:11

OP was on a 2 week vacation you dumb twat, how is she suppose to clean up after her dog when she is away?

By muffinsareyummy | 1

#670791 - Saturday 14 November 2009 4:59

i hope she didn't charge you for the coupons.

COMMENTS

By MK1029 | 0

#670276 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:18

By beritis | 0

#670286 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:21

wow, now that's a nice mother.... FYL

first...

Reply

MK1029 | 0

#670289 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:23

First? I THINK NOT! MUWHAAHAHHA

Reply

rakhil11 | 7

#670839 - Saturday 14 November 2009 5:37

you didn't say anything in your first comment though, so it doesn't count!

Reply

beritis | 0

#671939 - Sunday 15 November 2009 0:31

i mean it, she does have nice mother... leaving some coupons, and leaving...

By FML_FYL_88 | 0

#670290 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:23

what a bitch! that sucks

By lostfaithinpppl | 19

#670294 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ppl2ppl | 4

#4649160 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 16:11

OP was on a 2 week vacation you dumb twat, how is she suppose to clean up after her dog when she is away?

By Tequilamockngbrd | 7

#670296 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:25

Well, I guess now all of the dog-lovers from the cat-peeing-on-the-stove FML can't really talk now.

By Skull_300 | 0

#670297 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:25

Beat the Fuck out of that Bitch....your mother!!!

By perdix | 29

#670300 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:26

You've got a dogshit mom.

YDI for hiring an incompetent for the job. You should have gotten a professional pet-sitter or taken your dog to a kennel.

How has your mom been able to withstand the smell? Maybe after a lifetime with you, the scents of decaying and decomposing dog urine and feces are not that bad.

Reply

donkey_hang_down | 2

#670403 - Saturday 14 November 2009 0:25

I agree, OP must be tough to be able to survive as a child with that incompetent bitch of a mom.

How hard is it to take a dog outside to shit/piss?

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#670304 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:28

plug it in, plug it in :]

By Dazzozo | 0

#670320 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:33

What are mothers for!

Reply

Skull_300 | 0

#671175 - Saturday 14 November 2009 13:36

You sure it wasn't your mother that pissed and shit in your room? Maybe she is framing your dog. Bitch!!!

By Jewelofagal | 2

#670323 - Friday 13 November 2009 23:34

Your Mom can't help that you haven't housebroken your dog. It's too much for you to expect her to give you two weeks of her time but to also clean up feces and urine.