By Menareidiots - United States

Get in there!

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Mind your own beeswax, Amanda

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really nervous, he decided to have a couple of drinks to loosen up. He ended up throwing up and passing out before he could get down on one knee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

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By Heather Scurfield - 21/3/2021 10:59

Stomach bug?

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

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By Hairball - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

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By lulupie

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

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By aubrey

Time to go topless I guess...

Today, I accidentally gave myself a chemical burn. It hurts like hell and I've been told all I can do is wait it out for a few days. The worst part? It's from a reaction to a cream I used all over my chest. I can't wear a shirt without being in immense pain. FML

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By caphis - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By Malpal - United States

Today, I tried jumping off my bed over the footboard. I tripped and broke a full length mirror with my face. FML

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By FacebookStrikesAgain - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason why my credit card mysteriously maxed out 2 months ago 'might have been' because she posted a picture of it on Facebook. I ordered a new credit card without the custom picture of us immediately. She broke up with me. FML

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By Cookyourowndamnfoodasshole! - 27/1/2021 18:30 - United States

Make it yourself, champ

Today, I overheard my boyfriend complaining that I’m lazy since I never cook for him. I stopped cooking for him because he constantly complained that the food was never as good as what his ex-wife made, or like his mom made. FML

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By sastgamer - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I asked about 30 students and 3 of my teachers to sign my yearbook. So far, only my math teacher agreed to write in it. He wrote, "You need to try harder next year." FML

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By fmmlll - United States

Road trip

Today, I'm going on an 8-hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

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By Quincy_Ethan - United States - Killeen

Today, my little sister was using my phone to play games. About an hour later, she came to me and said my phone wouldn't work. Turns out my phone had gotten hot and she put it in water to cool it down. FML

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By lifesucks - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

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By Anonymous

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again...

Today, after showering and moisturising, I turned my fan on to max blast. I got covered in clumps of dust, which I had to take another shower to remove. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2021 04:01

You have mail!

Today, I bought a Plan B at CVS. I always use my parents' phone number for reward points. Turns out my mom is enrolled in digital receipts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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By fuck Star Wars!

In a galaxy far, far away

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a massive argument. I suggested we have a movie night. He suggested an all day/night Star Wars marathon. I’d be OK, if it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve done that at least five times in the last two months. He says I’m the one being unfair. FML

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By Username - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

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By OhNo - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I accidentally stood up my first date ever. How? I spent all of last night cleaning my parents' house for extra spending money to make sure the date went perfect, but I ended up sleeping through the alarm as well. FML

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By salope - France - Paris

Today, my boss broke off our relationship because he said it's inappropriate. I really liked him, but I accepted it and respected his integrity. A few hours later, I found out he's now dating my colleague. FML

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By Eleanor - United States - North Grafton

Today, my freshman students got in a fist fight over a chair. FML

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By EmBAREassed - United States

Today, I was walking around Walmart feeling pretty good about myself as I received numerous looks from guys in passing. All of a sudden a man approached me to tell me that my dress was extremely see-through. And, since I was wearing a thong, he and everyone else could totally see my ass. FML

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By dvddtraveller - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

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By mermaidkeels - United States - Miami

Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 02:02

Empathy hurts

Today, my brother-in-law's wife said she won the jackpot by marrying into our family. What she doesn't know is that they make fun of her family behind her back, and her husband has no drive or focus in life. Now I get to watch her discover how crazy they really are. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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By auscop - Australia

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

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By mbrooke - United States

Today, me and couple of friends were driving around town and saw a lady who had accidentally backed her car up onto a concrete wall. Laughing, we all turned to look as we passed and I drove straight into a parked police car at 30 that had stopped to help her. FML

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By maida - 2/6/2021 04:01

Bad data

Today, I discovered my mother has been replacing my chronic pain meds with sugar pills, to prove to me that "the placebo effect is real and works on everyone." No wonder I’ve been in excruciating pain for days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML

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By Gjkashldf - United States

Today, I was at the gym and I saw a really cute guy working out nearby. I tried to get his attention by taking off my shirt and smiling at him. When he walked over to me, instead of asking for my number, he just said "Can you please put that back on? Thanks". FML

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By anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, we've hit day 4 with no hot water in my apartment. Today is also day 4 of the office insisting that the plumber is "on his way". My neighbor just got arrested for screaming at them. Looks like we'll be entering day 5 soon. FML

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By fuuuuck - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Wakey wakey

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Mind your own business

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

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Top comments

By PureGold | 0

#6793 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:56

"So they high-fived."

HAHA. Wow, guys are so clueless.

By bobdole | 0

#6797 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:02

he's my hero

COMMENTS

By Melody_fml | 0

#6792 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:55

huh thats stupid.
i'm sorry and goodluck with that one..

Reply

Rach_star | 0

#543412 - Sunday 6 September 2009 15:15

Stupid?
HE'S AWESOME :)

By PureGold | 0

#6793 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:56

"So they high-fived."

HAHA. Wow, guys are so clueless.

Reply

dedrater_kool_u | 0

#2443527 - Monday 2 May 2011 6:14

so ur blonde too, eh?

Reply

hippo1234 | 19

#2776939 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 6:51

no, it's part of the bro-code. never leave a bro hanging.

By collegeboy89 | 0

#6794 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:57

That is hilarious

By bobdole | 0

#6797 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:02

he's my hero

By Dr_Phil | 0

#6798 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:03

Like Easy-E says, college girls are easy.

By oneangredwarf | 0

#6800 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:03

omg i love it, that is EPIC #1

By Herbs_Special | 0

#6801 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:04

Bet they were laughing like hell later.

By mleeb | 0

#6803 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:06

i'm sure that didn't slow things down. you probably just thought to yourself, "well, I guess i have something to put on FML now."

By Seegtease | 0

#6810 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:16

Nothing lame about it. Just sheer awesomeness.

By blacklagoon_fml | 0

#6815 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:20

Guys are gross.