By Jinthebar - United States

Get away from me

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

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Messed up

Compassionate management

Great family you've got there

By ScorpioQueen - United States

Today, I decided not to park in the parking garage on campus, in an attempt to save the $8 it would have cost me. Instead, I parked in a surface lot (about a mile away) and got a $50 parking ticket for not having a permit to park there. FML

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By ilikeirishducks - Italy

Today, I had a bath in the bathroom we are currently renovating. There's a big hole in the middle of the floor. When I got out of the bath, I swung one leg across the gap to get a towel from the rack. I drew back my leg and looked down to see my brother's hot friend staring up at me in horror. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spokane

Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML

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By Crapped - 10/6/2021 20:01

Get on with it!

Today, I shat myself, all because my little sister spent two hours trying to make a Tik Tok video in the one bathroom we have in the house. FML

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By Butch - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Today, while at a party, my extremely drunk crush came up to me and told me she had a crush on me. She then wanted to have sex with me while she drunk, but since she was under the influence I didn't. Later, when I told her about it, she say denied the fact that she likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2021 11:01

The disrespect

Today, I visited my mom at the graveyard first thing in the morning. Not even 24 hours after the funeral, someone’s dog had taken a massive, liquidy shit all over her grave. FML

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By Laundrylady - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, my wife got fired for leaving work early once again. She's been doing random "spot checks" for the past month, convinced that she'll catch me cheating on her. This paranoid crap is exactly why I'm filing for divorce. FML

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By fuck - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, my girlfriend dragged me along to one of her family's paintball matches. Her father is a former marine, and hates my guts. He kept going well out of his way to hunt me down and pump as many rounds into me as possible without causing a scene. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 11:01

Renters' rights

Today, I’m a student renting a room in an old lady’s house. The other lodger, who arrived a few weeks later, hates my guts now because my room has a tiny old TV and hers doesn’t. It wasn’t even my choice to take this room, it was decided by the landlady. But sure, I’m an evil, TV-hogging bitch. FML

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By Braced - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

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By MrAwsum - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

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By bent & broken - United States - Hot Springs Village

Today, I was lost on a dirt road when it started raining and I got stuck in the mud, so I walked 5 miles to a farm. They brought their tractor and pulled me out, but then my key broke off in the ignition. It's my birthday and I can't get home for the party my wife planned. FML

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By Anonymous

All out in the open

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me over for dinner. When I walked in the door, he asked why I was here; apparently he dialed the wrong girlfriend. FML

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By SalonGirl - United States

Yeet the feet

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

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By thefrightening1 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

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By rydawg79 - United States

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

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By slut - Canada

Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML

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By dickface - Canada

Today, I was sitting beside a very cute girl on a 3 hour bus trip with my class. She fell asleep, head on my lap. She woke up because my erection was jabbing her in the cheek. FML

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By Dude wtf - 19/4/2021 02:02

Indecent proposal

Today, a guy propositioned me for a threesome with his girlfriend. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he's knows I'm gay and have a boyfriend, or the fact that his girlfriend is my sister. He seemed confused as to why I turned him down. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got home from working late and decided to write a cute email to my girlfriend since I haven't seen her in two weeks. I was about to finish it off when my door swung open, and in a panic, I opened another tab to hide my email. It was porn. FML

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By trickortreat - United States

Today, while up in my room getting ready to go out, I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs, and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southend

Today, my little sister randomly came up to me and said: "Aww, don't be sad. Even ugly people can get boyfriends." She then smiled, patted my back, and walked off. I wasn't actually sad before, but I am now. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at work serving customers at the checkout. A girl was brushing the floor behind me. I turned around and whichever way she brushed, the brush hit me twice straight in the balls before she noticed anything. She had to serve the rest of the customers while I recovered. FML

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By howtobesingle - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

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By blaise - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she responded, "You were the other guy". FML

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By pincushion - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a CT scan done with contrast. My tech seemed competent in his job so I wasn't nervous, until he tried to start my IV. It took him 3 attempts to get it right. Not only was I stuck 3 times, he also blew one of my veins. I now have severely bruised arms and what look like track marks. FML

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By coveholli - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

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By Anoymous - United States - Burlingame

Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML

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By macattack - United States

Today, I was in my car with my window down at a red light. Outside, a sweet old lady was sitting on a bench with her dog sleeping next to her. I yelled out the window to tell her how cute her dog was. She replied, "He's dead" and cried. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#173754 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:23

Mmm. Kinky.

Though I'm more of a traditional kinda guy. I only let them break a finger or a toe on the first date.

By LilKonvicted | 0

#173736 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:11

WATHEHELL?

COMMENTS

By narks | 0

#173731 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:08

maybe she meant, she wants to play rough
first?

Reply

DemonicFatty | 2

#1216312 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 8:41

...the fuck

Reply

YtotsDI | 0

#2443374 - Monday 2 May 2011 5:51

o.o"

By LilKonvicted | 0

#173736 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:11

WATHEHELL?

Reply

Lancerman7449 | 0

#811537 - Sunday 31 January 2010 4:58

tht came outta no where. u prolly wernt expectin tht lol

Reply

zezjo | 3

#985304 - Monday 26 April 2010 22:47

muffin face!

Reply

AA357 | 0

#995620 - Sunday 16 May 2010 18:05

In Soviet Russia, collarbones break YOU.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#4952924 - Thursday 20 September 2012 13:25

158 - Breaks your collar bone?

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5891017 - Thursday 20 March 2014 19:56

Just get up and walk away.

By straywander | 0

#173737 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:11

you were first indeed. this confuses me.

By rachelbrianna25 | 0

#173744 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:16

lol.............. ummmmmmmmm wow. run boy run!

By WellThatSuckz | 14

#173746 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:18

Run.now.

By Jasper_fml | 0

#173752 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:22

wow.
there are some ..interesting.. people out there..

Reply

lexa1love | 16

#4626785 - Thursday 28 June 2012 19:25

When guys hit on me at the bar I usually say something insane and creepy to get them to back off. Maybe that was her motivation?

Reply

Ugi | 26

#5308589 - Friday 4 January 2013 17:18

But it sounds like _she_ was the one making the move!

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#173753 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:22

Consider yourself lucky she didn't want to break your boner instead, with or without the seductive voice...

By Jimboom | 11

#173754 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:23

Mmm. Kinky.

Though I'm more of a traditional kinda guy. I only let them break a finger or a toe on the first date.

Reply

kiss_1214 | 17

#4026297 - Sunday 12 February 2012 21:39

Full metal alchemist. Awesome

By stonerchu | 0

#173758 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:25

You can have retaliated by saying "well I want to break your pelvis"

Reply

A83_fml | 18

#379722 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 21:26

# 10, 10 points!

Reply

quelbaby | 0

#837796 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:16

haha LOL!!

Reply

chunkymunky666 | 0

#2131368 - Monday 28 February 2011 4:00

win

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2477082 - Sunday 8 May 2011 6:49

whaaaa

By Bhetti | 0

#173769 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:31

#9 WIN. My kinda guy.