By Jinthebar - United States

Get away from me

Today, I was at a bar talking to a very attractive young woman. I began to see that she wanted me as she pulled closer and closer. Eventually she pulled me in and licked my ear lobe sensually. She then said, "I wanna break your collar bone" in a seductive tone. FML

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Serious times

TMI

Race against the clock

By kindgartin - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

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By nomwar - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By greenandswirly - United States - Columbia City

Today, I injured my knee at a Zumba class, a class I joined to lose weight so my knees wouldn't hurt so much. Now I can't even go for a leisurely walk. FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got lost in a car park, late at night, unable to find my car. I started panicking, so I called my dad. I sat down to catch my breath. After about 2 minutes, I heard a noise. I looked up to see a guy jerking off while watching me. He smiled, so I instinctively threw my backpack at his junk and he ran off. FML

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By Teylot - Canada

Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML

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By umm - United States

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 23:02 - United States

OK, bye then

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years sprung the news that he had gotten a new job across the country and would be moving immediately. With his wife and children. First I'm hearing about them. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

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By cunning glassist - Canada - Courtenay

Check this out

Today, while on a date, I went to take a sip of my drink, but for some reason I expected a straw to be there. I ended up wiggling my tongue and mouth around my glass looking for it as I kept my eyes on my date. It must've looked like I was trying to be seductive in the creepiest way possible. FML

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By disappointedjamaican - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was training at work on proper techniques of physical restraint. As my coworker was practicing on me, I realized this was the first time I've had physical contact with a man in years. I'm ashamed to admit how good it felt to feel his weight pressed into my back as I pretended to resist. FML

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By oheyimsarahh - United States

Today, I was sitting in social studies and someone threw a note at me. It said "Go fuck yourself, everyone hates you, just die." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 23:02 - United States - Santa Ana

Bee Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I woke up to the inside of my house covered in bees. Hundreds of them. I have been complaining about a bee problem to the HOA for two weeks, and their response has been, “The hive was taken care of." Well, a few hundred bees inside and a few thousand on my outside wall beg to disagree. FML

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By Tourist - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By Jota

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML

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By rejectedprobably - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By Mary - France

Today, I was walking my dogs when I noticed one of them had found something, and was eating it. After my command to "drop it" went unheeded, I took it upon myself to scoop it out of her mouth with my finger. After getting it all over my hand, I realized it was a piece of another dog's poop. FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I chaperoned a school dance. A song I knew came on, and, wanting to be the fun teacher, I danced around a little. The students then pointed and laughed. I graduated in '87 and high school still hurts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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By Cantbreath94 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

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By what the FUCK - United States - Midlothian

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

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By yikesss

Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML

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By placard3

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

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By Still Waiting - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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By goodeyesight - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mountain Home

Today, I read a seemingly serious article online about giving your smartphone some extra charge by putting it in the microwave for one minute. My phone is now fried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean out my car and "accidentally" threw away my $520 tax refund check. FML

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By mbesameh - United States

Today, I found out that my dad makes me wear dresses and skirts not because I look pretty in them, but because he was sick and tired of people asking him if I was a boy or a girl. FML

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By naomi3271

Loud fart

Today, I was accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

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By Jenbearish

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

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By URGH - Canada

Today, my friend and I were in her moms car talking about which job was harder: actor or artist. I said, "Art is easy. You just scribble on a piece of paper and call it abstract art." Her mom squinted at me in the rearview mirror and my friend stopped talking. Then she said, "My mom is an artist." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

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By Crushed

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By roar_shark - Canada

Today, I was driving home from my friend's house and noticed this really cute girl riding her bike. She had an amazing body, beautiful blonde hair and looked like my kind of girl! About 10 minutes after I got home, my sister pulled up. She had just biked home from the hair salon. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#173754 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:23

Mmm. Kinky.

Though I'm more of a traditional kinda guy. I only let them break a finger or a toe on the first date.

By LilKonvicted | 0

#173736 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:11

WATHEHELL?

COMMENTS

By narks | 0

#173731 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:08

maybe she meant, she wants to play rough
first?

Reply

DemonicFatty | 2

#1216312 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 8:41

...the fuck

Reply

YtotsDI | 0

#2443374 - Monday 2 May 2011 5:51

o.o"

By LilKonvicted | 0

#173736 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:11

WATHEHELL?

Reply

Lancerman7449 | 0

#811537 - Sunday 31 January 2010 4:58

tht came outta no where. u prolly wernt expectin tht lol

Reply

zezjo | 3

#985304 - Monday 26 April 2010 22:47

muffin face!

Reply

AA357 | 0

#995620 - Sunday 16 May 2010 18:05

In Soviet Russia, collarbones break YOU.

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#4952924 - Thursday 20 September 2012 13:25

158 - Breaks your collar bone?

Reply

cwl727 | 32

#5891017 - Thursday 20 March 2014 19:56

Just get up and walk away.

By straywander | 0

#173737 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:11

you were first indeed. this confuses me.

By rachelbrianna25 | 0

#173744 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:16

lol.............. ummmmmmmmm wow. run boy run!

By WellThatSuckz | 14

#173746 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:18

Run.now.

By Jasper_fml | 0

#173752 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:22

wow.
there are some ..interesting.. people out there..

Reply

lexa1love | 16

#4626785 - Thursday 28 June 2012 19:25

When guys hit on me at the bar I usually say something insane and creepy to get them to back off. Maybe that was her motivation?

Reply

Ugi | 26

#5308589 - Friday 4 January 2013 17:18

But it sounds like _she_ was the one making the move!

By Blanadestroyer | 0

#173753 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:22

Consider yourself lucky she didn't want to break your boner instead, with or without the seductive voice...

By Jimboom | 11

#173754 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:23

Mmm. Kinky.

Though I'm more of a traditional kinda guy. I only let them break a finger or a toe on the first date.

Reply

kiss_1214 | 17

#4026297 - Sunday 12 February 2012 21:39

Full metal alchemist. Awesome

By stonerchu | 0

#173758 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:25

You can have retaliated by saying "well I want to break your pelvis"

Reply

A83_fml | 18

#379722 - Wednesday 8 July 2009 21:26

# 10, 10 points!

Reply

quelbaby | 0

#837796 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 12:16

haha LOL!!

Reply

chunkymunky666 | 0

#2131368 - Monday 28 February 2011 4:00

win

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2477082 - Sunday 8 May 2011 6:49

whaaaa

By Bhetti | 0

#173769 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 12:31

#9 WIN. My kinda guy.