By funkmylife69

Mr. Smooth

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1493

You deserved it

436

Favorite

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The smell detective is on the case

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 1/5/2020 14:00

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1314

You deserved it

485

Favorite

By screwed - United States

Today, my dad came home from Vegas. Today, my college savings account is down by $64,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45060

You deserved it

3179

Favorite

By Maggie123 - Canada

Today, I was taking my morning pills. There had been a lot of fruit flies in my house lately. I grabbed a cup of water beside to sink to wash the pills down. As soon as I tasted the drink, I realized it was vinegar and dish soap used to trap the flies. I washed my pills down with dead flies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33212

You deserved it

27838

Favorite

By Noname - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31417

You deserved it

6801

Favorite

By ohdear - Australia

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65528

You deserved it

5282

Favorite

By fobfan14 - United States

Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48690

You deserved it

5352

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52973

You deserved it

5864

Favorite

By messyfamily - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31632

You deserved it

2832

Favorite

By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

95723

You deserved it

6242

Favorite

By beaverfever - Poland - Kolobrzeg

Today, I wore a tank top for the first time in a few years. It turned out even worse than the last time. I got insulted by several people over my "Never say never" upper chest tattoo, which I got years ago, before the words ever became associated with a certain douchy Canadian pop "singer". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47191

You deserved it

10735

Favorite

By choker - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

94668

You deserved it

8252

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31993

You deserved it

3888

Favorite

By boyishgirl - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33842

You deserved it

3068

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27513

You deserved it

13363

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my hair straightener broke. My husband suggested putting electrical tape on it because it was heat proof. I did and started straightening my hair. The supposed heat proof tape melted and got stuck in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10294

You deserved it

34629

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I walked into the restroom at work, only to find my boss stroking and playing with himself. I have my annual performance assessment with him in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33441

You deserved it

2323

Favorite

By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25031

You deserved it

11469

Favorite

By m - United States - Stamford

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. I was pretty upset, so one of my guy friends offered to comfort me and get some ice cream. Apparently his definition of "comforting" is to feel my tits and try to get me to give him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38812

You deserved it

5838

Favorite

By MGDS - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41116

You deserved it

3246

Favorite

By sheilob - Australia - Camden

Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25520

You deserved it

6280

Favorite

By pottyhostage - Sweden

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8851

You deserved it

44985

Favorite

By just_a_bit_akwRd - United States

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50589

You deserved it

7792

Favorite

By Potforapeso - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out my son was selling pot for pesos. We live in New Jersey and have never planned on going to Mexico. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42399

You deserved it

5280

Favorite

By Luke - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out. And then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25140

You deserved it

2593

Favorite

By emkaycutie - United States

Today, I was giving a lecture to my class I heard a phone go off. Aggravated and exhausted, I asked everyone to turn their phones off. Then the phone rang again. I lost my shit and spent the next half hour calling my students a bunch of "technology whores". Then I realized the phone was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18176

You deserved it

199701

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33423

You deserved it

2795

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1313

You deserved it

311

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51418

You deserved it

5842

Favorite

By youngsamoo92 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11489

You deserved it

2923

Favorite

By schoolgrlstaci - United States

Today, we had a school assembly at 7:00 pm about drinking and driving. There was a cop doing a demonstration of a field sobriety test on stage. I was randomly selected to perform a breathalyzer test in front of all the students and parents. I blew 0.06. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26007

You deserved it

102742

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a little boy shyly told his mom he thought I was cute. I smiled at him as she looked me up and down and said to him, "Eww, honey. No, you do not!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37759

You deserved it

3153

Favorite

By officeditz - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27400

You deserved it

5652

Favorite

By fuck no!

What are you not getting?

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1554

You deserved it

228

Favorite

By Crashburn - United Kingdom

Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40760

You deserved it

15361

Favorite

By Kevin - Canada

Today, my parents took my laptop, cut the Internet, took my car keys and TV, and removed my bedroom door. Why? Because they thought the plant I was growing for my science project was a marijuana plant. Oh yeah, they took that too. My presentation is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38342

You deserved it

2782

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss captured a huge spider and put it in a jar on the desk in our shop. He's named it Fluffy and is threatening to fire me if I harm it. I'm horribly arachnophobic and we share that desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23881

You deserved it

2554

Favorite

By Sleeping Beauty - United States - Jamestown

Lookin' good

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21980

You deserved it

3749

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my toe. After telling my friend about it, he promptly stomped on it to "see what my reaction would be." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34357

You deserved it

3495

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got run over. Not by a car, but by a lady in a wheelchair. Am I really that invisible? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1527

You deserved it

143

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got my very first paycheck of $129 for over 40 hours of work. I got paid roughly $3.00 an hour. Alaska minimum is $9.50 per hour, and my HR office is refusing to answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2984

You deserved it

158

Favorite

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7845706 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:39

To be perfectly honest, that's what every guy thinks when making out ... if not before. JS.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7845713 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:51

Maybe I don't understand the concept of a crush.

Back in my day, it meant you someone you wanted to bone.

COMMENTS

By worldclassrager | 39

#7845705 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:22

What a dick

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7845706 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:39

To be perfectly honest, that's what every guy thinks when making out ... if not before. JS.

RichardPencil | 30

#7845908 - Monday 23 September 2019 22:47

Like as soon as I lay eyes on them.

Getting to know them excludes many.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7845713 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:51

Maybe I don't understand the concept of a crush.

Back in my day, it meant you someone you wanted to bone.

By DogStew | 20

#7845716 - Monday 23 September 2019 6:52

That’s your crush. Another winner picked a winner.

By SkullHQ | 27

#7845720 - Monday 23 September 2019 7:20

Maybe it was a joke? Hopefully you're the joking type

By Wadlaen | 19

#7845740 - Monday 23 September 2019 10:15

That's a keeper!💕😂

By JackWood | 10

#7845757 - Monday 23 September 2019 11:37

Find another crush this one obviously gets around.

By Abbusser | 9

#7845773 - Monday 23 September 2019 13:42

Some guys always know the right thing to say...

By demix_fml | 32

#7845791 - Monday 23 September 2019 15:13

So romantic 🙄

By DieYuppieScum | 4

#7845793 - Monday 23 September 2019 15:19

Was it the sentiment or the phrasing that made this an FML in your mind?