Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML
Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML
Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML
Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML
Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky when we decide to try the old 69. One thing leads to another when her clit ring went deep into my nose, and leaving me feeling like the wrong kind of bull. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML
Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML
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Top comments
michaelaranda 28
Tell your girlfriend to stop reading cosmo. Sorry about your balls.
TaiReiSi 12
I'm really trying not to think of what she did...
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Comments (121)
Cujo3269 9
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You don't like foreplay?
cakefete2 31
I've always distrusted those magazines. Now you proved one reason why.
hippo1234 19
As a [sane] woman, those magazines are complete and utter rubbish. If you see one near a person you are interested in dating, and they're not reading it ironically, satirically, or making a collage, run. Run fast and run far.
DanielleinDC 34
Or maybe reading it for the lulz. You read some of the ******-up stories in there and think, damn, at least I'm not as crazy/sleazy/stupid as THESE chicks. I haven't touched one of these mags in years, except maybe when I saw one lying around and looked at the stupid "confessions" for ***** and giggles. As for you, OP, I hope you recover, and I hope your girlfriend never tries anything out of that stupid magazine again. There are far better sources for sex tips than a stupid magazine.
aire101 16
Yeah, i don't read it for the sex tips, but the confessions are hilarious and occasionally they even have an interesting article. Read about a Sugar Baby website once in it. I didn't even know some of what it talked about was legal.
TheDrifter 24
Ahh, sugar babies. Hookers on a long term lease and perfectly legal. Such an amazingly ridiculous notion.
ocramavaf 15
see cosmo advises women who read it in a way that they sabotage their relationships and convinces those above mentioned women that it's their partners fault and in order to find love they should keep buying cosmo, my best suggestion is advise her to stop reading it and ask you what you like instead, sorry for your balls Op.
KingLewisII 34
Seems like that mag is a real ball buster. .....Someone had to say it.
thomcmoore 23
#20, careful with your use of "sack" here. Perhaps OP's offender misinterpreted "jump in the sack" and that's the problem.
TXFernwoods 26
Aw jeez..
khaoticpanda 28
Cosmos tips. 'When making out, suck on his tongue like you would suck on his penis'
badluckalex 23
is this a real quote from one of the magazines?! ahahah
KingLewisII 34
That just sounds weird
khaoticpanda 28
Yes actually, this was an actual quote.
TunaFireStarter 16
This is an actual quote. Google "crazy cosmo sex tips" to read some of the horror stories they suggest. "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle."
mandy_2480 21
Really? I can picture a bunch of article writers sitting around a computer giggling while writing a tip like that.
TheDrifter 24
They must have been picked on as teens and now they're trying to get even.
themonesterman 12
Tell her that your sex life is fine; you only need one tip ;)
unkn0wnFML 5
"Vffffffff, ahhhhhhhh, vffff, ahhhhh." -Peter Griffin
91hayek 31
Never read Cosmos but just from the covers of those type of magazines I become suspicious. Anything that has over fifty ways of doing something is crazy.
ChelzTheWolfGirl 29
Isn't Cosmo just a troll magazine? Do they ever have legit things in there? I'm always finding YouTube videos with the most horrible advice ever written being read out of Cosmo magazine. I seriously just hoped it was a troll mag.
worldclassrager 41
What's the name? I need to know so I don't suffer the same thing on accident Get well soon OP