Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML
Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML
Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML
Today, my business partners of 5 years asked me right after our 5-hour audit with the tax department, "Oh, we have to pay tax?" FML
Today, while working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, my boss asked me to check in one more patient before I left. He paid his $50 copay in nickels and dimes. FML
Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML
Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML
Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML
Today, I got home early from work at 2am to find my girlfriend of 5 years missing. Upon further inspection, I caught the "other man" dropping her off out front. So much for the engagement ring I bought for her. FML
Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML
Today, after moving 1,400 miles across the country, quitting my full-time job, and selling most of my furniture to attend flight school, I got a call a month before my start date saying that they are closing my location. FML
Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML
Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML
Today, my boss asked me to talk to the HR manager to see if I was happy about my pay, which made me think I was going to get a raise. Turns out they paid me nearly twice as much as they should have for the last 2 years and I owe them over €5000. FML
Today, while I was at work, my husband threw out 50 out of my 70 T-shirts, all of my tank tops, and all but one of my sweaters. I'm not getting them back because they're burning in a bonfire in the backyard. FML
Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML
Today, as I was pulling into work at 15 weeks pregnant, I projectile vomit all over myself and my vehicle. I had an emotional breakdown as I went back home, and called my boss to let him know I would not be in that day. I am now looking for a new job. FML
Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML
Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML
Today, while working in a blood drawing clinic, a mom sat in the chair holding her 4-year-old child, who kicked me square in the groin. Being a heavyset lady, I shrugged it off and collected the sample, while the child screamed, "Kicking worked on the last man that did this!" FML
Today, I shared an elevator alone with an attractive co-worker. On our way up, she let out a loud, noxious rip. She covered her nose and mouth while giving me an accusing look, as I said with a straight face, "Excuse you." Later, I received a note from HR for harassment. FML
Today, I told my unemployed boyfriend to pick a town anywhere in the country that he thinks he can find work in. I offered to find myself a job there, find a flat, and pay for rent, bills, and food while he looks. He said I was selfish for wanting him to hurry up. It's been three years. FML
Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML
Today, my work is doing a legal investigation about whether they can avoid paying me maternity benefit. According to my sleazy boss, "You notified us too late." FML
Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML
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