Work and Health: Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally...

By wdones97

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1857

You deserved it

2782

Favorite

Work

Health

No pain, no meds

Nerves of steel

Workaholic

By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50548

You deserved it

9605

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50669

You deserved it

3495

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Sticky

Today, I read that using vegetable oil would give your legs a smooth feel, especially if you haven't shaved for weeks. So I tried it out. My legs felt slimy, the oil clogged up the blades, and I was reduced to shaving my legs with a naked razor head and soapy water. Endlessly smooth indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7974

You deserved it

27594

Favorite

By hamandegger - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76142

You deserved it

4482

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Northridge

No kinkshaming here

Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34962

You deserved it

5738

Favorite

By live2dance4ever

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1610

You deserved it

191

Favorite

By kinky - United States

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33543

You deserved it

37859

Favorite

By squidwardpotatoes - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from "SpongeBob" with large letters spelling "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32167

You deserved it

3242

Favorite

By pandasbear - United States

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22793

You deserved it

14164

Favorite

By oh.geez - United States

Today, my fiancé has decided to become my cat's personal trainer. This includes talking to the cat, attempting to motivate him to run up and down the stairs and telling the cat to call him "Coach Daddy". I now have a crazy fiancé and a very angry cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27069

You deserved it

4866

Favorite

By Rash - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38833

You deserved it

3221

Favorite

By oooooops - United States

Today, I made a speech in front of my entire graduating class and their families, despite my fear of public speaking. It seemed to go well and I got a big round of applause at the end. Then I panicked and instead of waving, I lifted my arm straight out in a Hitler salute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36965

You deserved it

7578

Favorite

By mermaidkeels - United States

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

I agree, your life sucks

16855

You deserved it

987

Favorite

By anon. - New Zealand

Today, I went for a drive with my boyfriend and his dad. His dad was kind enough to point out at every opportunity girls "that would be better for him than me". FML

I agree, your life sucks

31432

You deserved it

3071

Favorite

By thairsha - Japan

Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML

I agree, your life sucks

24305

You deserved it

4201

Favorite

By ChubbyAmerican - United States

Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38821

You deserved it

15857

Favorite

By limecat - United States

Today, I was stopped by a cop while walking down the street. He was slowly trailing me before pulling along side of me and asking how my night was going. He then said, "You know I can't let you do this. Know those new jeans you bought? The sticker is still on the leg" and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12268

You deserved it

36939

Favorite

By Rebecca c - 23/3/2021 08:01

Nice neighborhood

Today, I had to clean up human poop that someone trailed through the store. Then, as I was cleaning up all the shelves at the end of the day, I saw that someone had changed their sanitary pad, took a new one out of the packed and used it, then left the used one on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1185

You deserved it

Favorite

By RejectRaven

Today, my two year old got out of her crib while I was sleeping and destroyed $700 worth of my makeup from Sephora. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2548

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1495

Favorite

By Em - France

Today, my boyfriend accidentally called me from his pocket. I thought it would be funny to see what him and his friends were talking about. I laughed when I heard him talking about us fooling around until I realized it wasn't me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38202

You deserved it

3604

Favorite

By Mrs. Awkward

Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it's perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2553

You deserved it

269

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13554

You deserved it

51028

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26783

You deserved it

3604

Favorite

By PissedbythePiper - United States - Saukville

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26263

You deserved it

2898

Favorite

By chickenmcnuggetgirl - Ireland - Enfield

Different strokes

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a chicken nugget fetish. He wants me to take a chicken nugget bath in a bikini. He seems to be dead serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50328

You deserved it

5110

Favorite

By Aunjy - United States - Marmora

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56429

You deserved it

4263

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 02:02

Father, you mean father

Today, I found out wife has two baby daddies for our two kids. I’m neither one’s baby daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1033

You deserved it

Favorite

By dads can’t cook? - 17/3/2021 21:30

Assumptions part 27674

Today, I was messaging a new friend when she mentioned her dad was cooking dinner that night. I jokingly texted, “Oh no! I’m sorry!” Turns out her dad is a professional chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks

239

You deserved it

1044

Favorite

By talker - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10501

You deserved it

22927

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64639

You deserved it

8123

Favorite

By howniceofyou - Canada

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34435

You deserved it

13090

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40392

You deserved it

17589

Favorite

By Jade

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night because I was thirsty. In my groggy state, I grabbed the first bottle of liquid I could find, opened it, and took a sip. It was nail polish remover. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18315

You deserved it

42505

Favorite

By nina - Luxembourg

Today, I was talking to a friend about this stranger I kissed a few nights ago while drinking. I commented that I was ashamed of doing so, and to make matters worse, the guy was really unattractive. It turns out he was no stranger. I'd kissed my friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9646

You deserved it

40749

Favorite

By dumbass

Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4589

You deserved it

2255

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 22:02 - United States - Anchorage

Get the message, dude

Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I’m thinking of proposing to you in December." FML

I agree, your life sucks

946

You deserved it

182

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received an envelope from verizon. I assumed it was my bill. I opened it and saw a visa credit card offer so I quickly snapped it in half to prevent identity theft. Only after playing with the pieces for 10 minutes did I realize that it was my $100 rebate from my new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8184

You deserved it

62335

Favorite

By nthor - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14655

You deserved it

140936

Favorite

By rawdoglyfe69 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63370

You deserved it

6062

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41644

You deserved it

4172

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7699130 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 23:06

Open mouth, insert foot.

By acmariner99 | 24

#7705658 - Monday 8 October 2018 17:53

Open mouth, insert beer!

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7699130 - Tuesday 25 September 2018 23:06

Open mouth, insert foot.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7705628 - Monday 8 October 2018 16:54

Ye, hypocrite!

By acmariner99 | 24

#7705658 - Monday 8 October 2018 17:53

Open mouth, insert beer!

lisyaorancrazed | 16

#7705929 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 7:33

Or several

By ojosRojos | 28

#7706147 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 16:21

I don’t think this is really a big deal. You don’t have to ignore the fact that the patient has an addiction problem, and I’m sure he/she is well aware that “I need a drink” is just an expression people say when they’re stressed. It’s not like you actually drank in front of the patient or gave him/her alcohol. Don’t sweat it, OP!

By Eivana | 36

#7708810 - Monday 15 October 2018 2:24

Not a good idea, OP.