torri · 9 January 2022, 11:01 ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Don't have fun without me

Today, on my friend's birthday, I met a guy I really liked at a club, and he asked me to go home with him. At 2 a.m., my friend called but I missed her calls. When I woke up, she'd texted me pictures of all my things that I had at her place thrown outside in the snow. All because I didn’t go home with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668 You deserved it 1 295

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Singleagain · 9 January 2022, 01:59 🌶️ Spicy

Sussy baka

Today, I confronted my boyfriend about allegedly texting another girl behind my back and exchanging nudes. I asked him, “If I were to look through your phone right now, would we still be together in the next 5 minutes?” He responded by smashing his phone to the ground and stomping it to smithereens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 519 You deserved it 265

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Diane Princess · 8 January 2022, 20:01 🌶️ Spicy

Pros and cons

Today, the guy I picked up made me bacon and a bagel for breakfast. I was so turned on by this gesture that we did it again in my kitchenette… Only this time, I was farting uncontrollably because I have celiac disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 568 You deserved it 519

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Anonymous · 5 January 2022, 19:58 ·Germany 🌶️ Spicy

Social distancing is a thing

Today, I met a guy at a bar. Went home, got condoms, had sex. Also got Covid. First one night stand in four years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835 You deserved it 1 663

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Anonymous · 2 January 2022, 11:01 ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Expectations

Today, my boyfriend and I are on vacation. He was watching TV, and I thought I’d try to be sexy, so I walked in wearing lingerie. He smiled at me and said, “What the hell are you wearing?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 573 You deserved it 237

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sad and ugly · 31 December 2021, 04:58 🌶️ Spicy

Lonesome tonight?

Today, I really want to punch whoever says women have no problem getting laid. It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of another human, I actually considered hiring a male prostitute just so I can be in a man’s arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 651 You deserved it 429

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crushedgal · 30 December 2021, 07:59 🌶️ Spicy

Unmasked

Today, I found out I have Covid, from a guy who ghosted me last week after sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176 You deserved it 645

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OnlyFecked · 29 December 2021, 13:59 🌶️ Spicy

What are you guys up to?

Today, my dad discovered my daughter’s OnlyFans account. I’ll let you do the math on that one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643 You deserved it 331

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Anonymous · 28 December 2021, 11:01 🌶️ Spicy

Please clap

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. How did I find out? I'm sitting in a hospital room being given antibiotics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 927 You deserved it 137

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Anonymous · 27 December 2021, 20:01 🌶️ Spicy

This the end

Today, my dad's last words before he fell into a coma, and later died, were about how he wanted to stick his face in the ass of his 20-something nurse and motorboat her cheeks. I had to lie to my mother and say that his last words were that he wanted to see her again before the end. Thanks dad, NOT. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 990 You deserved it 203

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Taylor Tempest · 27 December 2021, 16:59 🌶️ Spicy

Drugs are bad, mkay?

Today, I learned that weed brownie plus weed gummies leads to me drooling… on my ex-husband’s cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358 You deserved it 2 462

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Anonymous · 27 December 2021, 02:01 🌶️ Spicy

Frustration

Today, as I'm laying in bed with my wife, she noticed I'm wasn't hard, so she said, "I can fix that." As I prepare myself for a BJ, she lifted my boxers and blew air on my member, and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 157 You deserved it 401

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ouch · 25 December 2021, 14:01 🌶️ Spicy

911 is a joke

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and somehow managed to pull a back muscle. I’ve been naked for 3 hours, scared to move because it hurts so bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319 You deserved it 213

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Anonymous · 24 December 2021, 11:01 🌶️ Spicy

Batman ruins another relationship

Today, my girlfriend asked what my sexual fantasy was, and I said Catwoman. She got disgusted at me, because according to her, Catwoman is 15 years-old or something. Turns out she has only seen Gotham, featuring Catgirl as a teenager, and not the grown-up Halle Berry version I was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 720 You deserved it 243

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Anonymous · 24 December 2021, 05:01 🌶️ Spicy

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Today, I had to have the awkward conversation with my wife of 20-plus years that the reason I’ve lost interest in sex is because our sex life has been mind numbingly boring for at least 15 of those years, always the same positions, never wanting to try anything new, just so boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965 You deserved it 1 490

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Anonymous · 23 December 2021, 23:01 ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Let down

Today, I visited a friend out of state. We've been flirting for months and decided to fool around at night. He was very loving and attentive, but... he'd bragged about his dick being 6 inches and it ended up being not only thin, but very short. So thin and short that I couldn't really feel it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587 You deserved it 394

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Anonymous · 23 December 2021, 08:01 🌶️ Spicy

Oversharing while drunk? Nah

Today, after my roommate and I, as well as our significant others, had some drinks, then we started listing off/counting our past sexual partners. It got to a point where his girlfriend and I both had multipliers of 10 times that of our partners. They kicked us both out, and she didn’t offer me a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737 You deserved it 1 372

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Ouch · 22 December 2021, 22:59 ·Netherlands 🌶️ Spicy

Agony

Today, I had sex with a guy I really liked. His testicle spontaneous turned inside his sack and he blacked out from the pain. He peed my bed, and I had to rush him to the ER so they could turn it back. Had to explain to his family and doctors what happened. It was my first time meeting them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 237 You deserved it 220

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Interrogation

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 157 You deserved it 4 070

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Anonymous · 21 December 2021, 20:01 🌶️ Spicy

Cucked

Today, my wife confessed to me that she used to sext her old coworker, and almost had sex with him. The bad part is that it turned me on. Should I encourage her? FML

I agree, your life sucks 652 You deserved it 1 183

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Anonymous · 20 December 2021, 08:02 🌶️ Spicy

The help's helped

Today, my husband has some issues, and has been going to therapy every week after losing his job, so I've been paying the therapist's hourly rate. Turns out they’ve been using the hour to fuck like bunnies, no therapy has ever taken place, and I’ve been paying for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 311 You deserved it 175

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Anonymous · 19 December 2021, 23:01 🌶️ Spicy

Awkward conversation ahead

Today, for the last two years of trying for a baby, my wife has been secretly still on the pill and takes a morning after pill every time we had sex. Funny, I thought we both wanted a baby, so I guess she doesn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846 You deserved it 247

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Anonymous · 19 December 2021, 02:01 🌶️ Spicy

A tale as old as time

Today, my wife and I used to have sex at least 5 times a week, but since we said "I DO" at our wedding I’m lucky to get a shag once a month, and you can forget about blowjobs, I’ve not had one since before the wedding. Nothing about our life has changed to cause this, except we’re married now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 692 You deserved it 395

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Anonymous · 16 December 2021, 19:59 🌶️ Spicy

Love Story

Today, I realised I may have some kind of problem, given that I masturbate daily, and sex with my wife no longer interests me because it takes too long, involves her instead of me alone, is too much hard work, and generally annoys me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593 You deserved it 2 019

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Anonymous · 15 December 2021, 07:58 🌶️ Spicy

Child abuse

Today, we’re both 19 and on our third date I tried to get intimate with him. He asked what I was doing. Turns out his bible-thumping mom censored his entire life, such as zero internet access, and homeschooled him to make sure he never, ever learned about sex. He’s 19 and truly has no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 173 You deserved it 284

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Anonymous · 14 December 2021, 01:58 🌶️ Spicy

Make your mind up

Today, I had threesome with my wife and her best friend. Now my wife is mad at me for sleeping with her best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500 You deserved it 1 348

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anonymous · 12 December 2021, 19:59 ·United States 🌶️ Spicy

Dog people

Today, my dog-obsessed wife complained that we never have sex anymore. Call me crazy but constantly hearing her say how dogs are better than husbands, sleeping with three huge dogs in bed every night, and watching her shove her tongue in the dogs’ mouths doesn’t exactly whip me into a sexual frenzy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 734 You deserved it 272

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Anonymous · 11 December 2021, 17:02 🌶️ Spicy

Young love

Today, I walked in on my son having sex with his girlfriend. An hour later, I did it again and got quite annoyed, and yelled at them for having sex again. He said, "What do you mean again? We haven’t finished yet." My son has been having sex for over an hour. Man, do I feel inadequate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 547 You deserved it 2 176

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Anonymous · 11 December 2021, 07:59 🌶️ Spicy

Chubby Love, by Bon Iver

Today, I realised that my husband and I have gotten so fat that his already small dick no longer even reaches me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 943 You deserved it 1 575

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Anonymous · 9 December 2021, 19:58 🌶️ Spicy

Glued

Today, as a police officer, I was sent to deal with an indecent exposure. It was two homeless people who'd both passed out on drugs in the middle of sex. I had to wake them up, then help prise them apart, as his penis was still very visibly inside her exposed for the whole street to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 833 You deserved it 188

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