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Your instinct was right, because it’s good to laugh life off. Follow the instructions below, and if your story gets through the moderation process, it'll published in the next 24 hours or so.


    Remaining characters: 320

    Your story must start with “Today,” and end with “FML”. TXT language is forbidden and spelling mistakes hurt people’s eyeballs, so the use of either would result in the direct dismissal of your FML. Don’t use this space for discussions, advertising or spam, or for posting anything which isn’t an FML. Furthermore, it’s not possible to obtain badges by posting keywords, so stop believing things you’ve read on message boards. Don’t try reposting old FMLs, we’re not that daft.


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    Ironic

    Squirting the night away

    By svet - 22/02/2009 02:07 - United States

    Spicy Spicy
    Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML
    I agree, your life sucks 32 540
    You deserved it 84 323
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    Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home
    The Top FMyLife FMyLife
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    Today, my switch to night shifts has coincided nicely with my neighbour buying her twin juvenile delinquent crotch goblins a drum set and a guitar. Now during the daylight hours, when I’m supposed to be asleep, all I can hear is their racket on the other side of the wall, mere feet from my head FML
    I agree, your life sucks 462
    You deserved it 134
    Today, after years of impotence, I woke up with a raging boner. I was so happy until I remembered my wife divorced me last year because of my impotence. This depressed me so much that I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to masturbate, and the boner went bye bye, never to return. FML
    I agree, your life sucks 654
    You deserved it 153
    Today, I took this gorgeous girl from work to eat at Olive Garden. I was trying to be romantic and had the waiter bring two glasses of wine. I guess she doesn't really drink wine, she covered her fettucini Alfredo in vomit. After dinner, she thanked me with a french kiss. FML
    I agree, your life sucks 37 048
    You deserved it 7 951
    Today, I received a notice that my boyfriend had given me a rose via Happy Aquarium on Facebook. It came with a date cancellation so that he and his friends could play BioShock. FML
    I agree, your life sucks 25 654
    You deserved it 4 654
    Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML
    I agree, your life sucks 19 551
    You deserved it 8 468
    Today, I went on my first date in over 4 years with a smoking hot guy. The big event was a trip to Target. I work at Target. He took me to my workplace for our date. And they say romance is dead. FML
    I agree, your life sucks 32 005
    You deserved it 3 046
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