Love: Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

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Love

Out of it

Late term

Triage

By jackpot - Venezuela

Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

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By sarahhh - United States

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said "Do I have to bring you?" FML

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By oops1234 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML

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By greeneyedpothead - United States - Hanford

Today, I got my foot stuck in the car seat belt. I kept pulling to loosen it up but it just kept getting tighter till my foot was in the air, so I started panicking and eventually started crying. My boyfriend had to pull over and save me from a seat belt. FML

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By work -_- - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML

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By RosaP - Canada

Today, I slept over at a friend's house. We decided to dress up as ninjas and play a trick on her younger brothers, sleeping in the basement. While sneaking down the stairs, in the dark, her mother came home. Thinking I was a robber, she beat me with a lamp. FML

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By tazthespaz - United States - Comstock Park

Today, a telemarketer called my house phone and asked for my grandpa. We were having his wake. FML

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By kerdersty - Canada

Today, I was snowboarding when a skier cut me off, resulting in me colliding with a 12 year old girl. The girl was totally fine, and I was alright except for a slight nose bleed. I apologized to the girl, then her mom hit me over the back with a ski pole as I snowboarded away. FML

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By springbreak09 - Mexico

Today, I left for vacation in Mexico. Upon landing, I received a text message from the guy I've been seeing. It read, "Sorry, I'm not boyfriend material. Have a good trip." I paid 75 cents to get dumped, internationally. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML

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By kaylashay2k13 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

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By figures - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so insecure that I was still slightly flattered when the demented old man at the nursing home where I work hit on me, because at least somebody finds me attractive. FML

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By zuper_duper - United States

Today, after six months of dating, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because my "obsession" of being on the computer and playing games all the time was cutting into "our time". She then told me to "get a life" and never wanted to see me again. She told me all of this on WoW. FML

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By linzl00 - United States - Springfield

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Dunfermline

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

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By llmd - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend just to hear his voice since I haven't seen him in a while. His mom picked up and said "Chris isn't here right now, he's with his girlfriend. Do you want to leave him a message." We've been dating for 4 and a half months now. FML

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By AlexSnower - 12/4/2020 02:00

Mismatched

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

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By KittyKat168 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

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By jjkk - 23/1/2021 05:02

Good night, sleep tight

Today, I have been trying to stop sleeping during the day, so I decided to clean my room to keep myself awake. Four hours later, I woke up on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

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By fme - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband put up one of those sticky fly trap strips behind our toilet. I was tired and didn't notice it in the dark bathroom. I leaned back and it stuck in my hair. I didn't notice the dead flies in my hair until I went to buy lunch. FML

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By Badhusky

Today, I had to carry the dead weight of my 90-pound husky upstairs to the bath because he hates it. He cried the entire time, loudly. He then rolled in the dirt when I let him outside to pee not even an hour later. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

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By Julie - Denmark - F?rup

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

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By gorillalove - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, getting home from a long day at work, I checked the mail and saw 3 envelopes from the IRS. Apparently I now owe over $4,000. I only have $2 in my bank account. FML

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By shaggyberaddy

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By PEGASISTER FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!! - Mexico

Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned there are people who will beat you up if you don't give them your spot on a bench. FML

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By sweet_02 - United States

Today, I was talking this guy I'm dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn't care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

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By gassy

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

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By Charlie - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

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By Uh_Oh_Bro - United States - Annandale

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Kids…

Today, at my job as a teacher, I saw a student cut another student's hair, I stopped a group of students from eating glue, and I had to tell a student to put away the toy cars he was playing with. I teach high school math. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tripped over a kid at work. She was sitting on the floor with her legs sticking out into the walkway. Her mom caused a scene, accusing me of doing it on purpose. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1460289 - Sunday 26 September 2010 16:11

Just one last mooch, for old times' sake.

You wouldn't want him to stay because he couldn't afford to leave? Pay the man.

By untoward | 0

#1460339 - Sunday 26 September 2010 16:15

fhl your life just got instantly better.

COMMENTS

By SxyDianosaurRAWR | 0

#1460282 - Sunday 26 September 2010 16:10

lmfao

KingDingALing | 9

#1460413 - Sunday 26 September 2010 16:22

^ I hate it when people do that.

OP- suck him off.

sheribb | 5

#1460428 - Sunday 26 September 2010 16:23

why did you put up with that shit for 4years?? Please tell me you didn't gov him any money and made him and his crap walk wherever the hell he needed to go!!