Food

The wedding from hell

By Anonymous - 04/04/2023 14:00

Today, I embarrassed myself and my husband at the wedding of one of his rich cousins by trying caviar for the first time, finding it unbearably disgusting, choking, spitting it out all over the table, and downing three glasses of water to stop myself coughing. Now they think I’m common as muck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 943

Bad news

By Ghostrui - 02/04/2023 12:00

Today, the dentist told me I needed to have two of my wisdom teeth on opposite ends of my mouth pulled. I suppose a liquid diet won't be all that bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 688

You deserved it 158

False economy

By Anonymous - 22/03/2023 16:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tried to save money by buying a generic brand of coffee instead of my usual brand. It tasted terrible and I ended up throwing it away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 549

You deserved it 348

Life insurance?

By Rusty - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - New City

Today, I found out that my parents secretly throw away any food I cook for them, because they think I might try to poison them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 653

You deserved it 2 794

Leftovers

By Anonymous - 20/03/2023 18:00 - United States

Today, my daughter brought home her class hamster for the weekend. It escaped and we spent hours searching for it. We later found it in the fridge, eating our leftover pizza. I never knew hamsters had such a refined palate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 183

The neverending dinner

By Anonymous - 18/03/2023 14:00

Today, I was so excited to finally try a new recipe that I found online. After hours of prep, I realized I misread the serving size and ended up cooking enough food to feed a small army. I don't have a freezer and I live in the middle of nowhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 625

Added flavor

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Omaha

Today, I came into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. My mother was milling the meat around the skillet with the cat's poop scooper as a spatula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 427

You deserved it 3 022

Yummy

By kjmsit - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 332

You deserved it 23 917

Just eat it

By salt bomb - 02/03/2023 16:00 - United States

Today, I spent all day carefully preparing a wonderful homemade beef and vegetable stew from scratch. Close to dinner time, I tasted it and it was inedibly salty. Confused, my horrifically bratty stepdaughter then laughed and admitted she poured salt in it because it wasn’t what she wanted for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 302

You deserved it 144

Inflation blows

By jules - 02/03/2023 10:00 - Germany

Today, I decided I don’t need to restrict my consumption of shrimp anymore, which I used to do because they are so expensive. So, did I finally land a well-paying job? Nope. It's just that all the other kinds of seafood have risen so much in price that it doesn’t make any difference now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710

You deserved it 138

Where there's a will…

By Anonymous - 23/02/2023 00:00 - Australia

Today, my little Pomeranian dog got onto the kitchen bench by jumping onto the washing basket, the bookcase, and over the window sill, and ate my daughter's birthday cake while I was in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 271

I like what you've done with the place

By Tyrez - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Boulder

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 340

You deserved it 1 879

Always check!

By Anonymous - 17/02/2023 12:00 - United States - Bayonne

Today, after eating some fire noodles the day before, I took a nice long poop in my school's bathroom, only to find out there was no toilet paper left in any of the stalls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 239

Clumsy

By IHateBagels - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was cutting a bagel, only to slice the back of my hand with the knife. As I grabbed paper towels to clean up the blood, I noticed that the bagel was pre-sliced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 095

You deserved it 82 466

Tonight, on First Dates…

By Anonymous - 14/02/2023 22:00

Today, I took my date to a restaurant but I had no idea how picky of an eater she is. Our waiter had to practically use 3 pages in his notebook just to write down all her special requests for this single meal. By the end, I could see he really wanted to ask if she was being serious or taking the piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 890

You deserved it 121

Sassy machine

By Shell - 14/02/2023 16:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the vending machine at work, I selected a regular soda but a diet soda came out. It turns out the soda I did select was stuck behind the bottle of diet soda. Is the universe trying to tell me something? FML

I agree, your life sucks 583

You deserved it 251

Channeling Gordon Ramsay

By ThisIsGonnaBeALongFewDays - 13/02/2023 22:00

Today, my cousin came by to visit, and we went out to a pizza restaurant for dinner. She’s a very picky eater, so much so that she takes the cheese off the pizza, despite me politely asking her not to. One of the chefs walks by, sees it, and yells, “What have you done to my beautiful pizza!?” at us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 757

You deserved it 330

Grossed out

By BARF - 12/02/2023 18:00

Today, my boyfriend is an incredibly adventurous eater. We were on a road trip and stopped at a place that had "Fried brain sandwiches" and he insisted on trying one. He loved it. Just watching him eat it made me so sick that I still feel nauseous hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 236

It's a set up!

By Anonymous - 10/02/2023 10:00 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my brother had texted me, asking, "Why did you take Mom's chocolate? That's pathetic." I proceeded to swear on my own life that I didn't, but directly after that he sent me a picture of the wrapper in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 321

Sinking feeling

By Anonymous - 06/02/2023 22:00

Today, my boss replaced me, with my 25 years experience, as head chef with her son, who has a GCSE in food studies from 15 years ago and hasn’t even worked a restaurant before. I’m sitting here, watching our customers send food back untouched because it’s so bad. This has ruined us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 111

Impressive, dude

By Anonymous - 06/02/2023 15:00

Today, I was on a first date at high-end Indian restaurant. I tried to impress my date by ordering the spiciest dish on the menu, only to find out it was way too hot for me to handle. I ruined the entire meal by coughing, choking, and drinking five gallons of water with tears streaming down my face for at least 40 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 2 027

The best laid plans…

By Anonymous - 03/02/2023 18:00

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend by cooking her dinner. I spent hours preparing and making sure everything was perfect. I lit candles, set the table, and even put on some soft music. When she came home, she'd already eaten and wasn't hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 157

Reality check

By Otome Fangirl - 02/02/2023 18:00 - United States - Highland

Today, I was watching a game play of an Otome (a female dating sim game), where the main character tells her love interest that, “Tasty food is the simplest and most tangible happiness” and “Good food drives away sadness.” I have been half starving myself for 6 months because of body image issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 597

You deserved it 423

A man without a plan

By Anonymous - 31/01/2023 16:30

Today, I was going to surprise my partner with a romantic dinner, but when I got home I realized I had forgotten the main ingredient: the food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 229

You deserved it 863

You have arrived at your destination

By Anonymous - 30/01/2023 10:00

Today, an Edible Arrangements driver knocked on my door with the most delicious-looking gift! He was just asking for directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 132

Bon appetit

By Dani - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 067

You deserved it 3 496

Clever boy

By Anonymous - 28/01/2023 02:30

Today, I found out my dog can open the fridge. Now I have no food left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 154

Le epic bacon

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 276

You deserved it 50 723

Priorities

By Nutellalover - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 799

You deserved it 29 477

Sneaky

By Wow - 15/01/2023 12:00 - United States

Today, my cat tried to steal my burger. She was successful. She grabbed the patty with her teeth and pulled it right out of the burger. I was too dumbfounded to try and stop her. I have a suspicion that she is hungry and I forgot to feed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 084

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The Top

Today, and like every year, my godmother sent me a card asking me why I never call her, and why we don't go out on my birthday. Six years ago, she told me on my birthday I was going to hell for moving with my boyfriend and then sprayed me with perfume. He is now my husband, and she claims she forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 491

You deserved it 735

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 628

You deserved it 5 786

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 462

You deserved it 3 244

Today, at work, our customer service chat was empty all day, so I got up to go to bathroom. In the two minutes I was gone, three people tried to chat with me. Then I got a call from my manager, asking me why I wasn't doing my job. He told me to give advanced notice next time I had to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 125

Today, I ran into a childhood friend for the first time in years. It turned out her mother died of COVID a few days ago. It was heartbreaking to see her close to tears all the time we talked, but due to distancing I couldn't even hug her to make her feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 403

You deserved it 166

Today, I learned that the waffle machine at my local hotel has sugar-free bottles of syrup… and that the machine that conveniently dispenses syrup for you which is NOT sugar-free. This is exactly why Americans are stereotyped as being so unhealthy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 223

You deserved it 736