Food

Sneaky

By Wow - 15/01/2023 05:00 - United States

Today, my cat tried to steal my burger. She was successful. She grabbed the patty with her teeth and pulled it right out of the burger. I was too dumbfounded to try and stop her. I have a suspicion that she is hungry and I forgot to feed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 165

You deserved it 1 071

Heavy sandwich, man

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 22:01

Today, I was sitting on park bench eating a sandwich when suddenly the bench broke and I fell and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 116

Doggy bag

By DumbFish - 05/04/2017 22:00

Today, I got up the courage to go to a nice place for lunch alone. I wasn't expecting the Tilapia I ordered to be the whole fish, so I asked the waiter for a box because, "I forgot about an appointment in 20 minutes," just so he wouldn't think I was an idiot who didn't know what I was ordering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 835

You deserved it 1 021

Bad boy

By Anonymous - 22/01/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I'd finally got home from a 15-hour shift at work and wanted to lay down and eat. I poured myself a bowl of cereal, went to my room, and sat it on my bed. My dog then jumped right on my bed and yanked the sheets off, causing the cereal to fly everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 246

Chance encounter of the morning

By Gale - 06/12/2024 15:00 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I tried to get a picture of a cute cat while on my morning walk. The cat didn't run away scared, it was even as if he knew it was "strike a pose" time. Then, out of nowhere, a seagull swooped down and stole my breakfast bagel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 302

You deserved it 252

Lactose intolerance

By Anonymous - 25/05/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, after I learned a long time ago that it's prudent to smell your shredded cheese as with milk to check its freshness, that lesson came into play when I doubted the quality of some cheese my roommate was going to use for nachos. I smelled it and got the dry heaves from the stink. He can't smell anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 395

You deserved it 104

Movie night

By Spanky - 23/01/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with a friend and her grandma. Her grandma was using toothpicks and dropping them on the ground next to our popcorn bucket. I took a big handful of popcorn, and was fortunate enough to get a piece of her toothpick lodged in my throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 771

You deserved it 2 532

Dude, what the…?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 056

You deserved it 4 757

Addams Family Values

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 07:56 - Germany - Zittau

Today, I heard my mom say to the dogs, "Are you hungry? Do you want something tasty out of the garbage can?" Don’t worry though, she probably only meant the one in our garden, where she keeps the deer heads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 142

Smoothie with a kick

By Anonymous - 02/07/2021 02:01 - Germany

Today, I made myself a smoothie with fruits and wild greens, which tasted much better than it looked, so I licked the splashes off the blender’s lid. Including a stray leaf that didn’t get blended. Which turned out to be stinging nettle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 900

Sweet!

By Linda - 21/01/2021 17:02

Today, I learned a hard lesson: when you order 12 artificial sweeteners and 6 packets of raw sugar with your home-delivered Starbucks coffee so that you can have a small hoard to sweeten up the coffee you already have at home, they just may put all 18 items in the cup and stir it up to your apparent liking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 2 156

Ewww, gross

By spekledworf - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Wrentham

Today, I discovered why the milk in my house has a funny, sweet taste. My family has been pouring the leftover milk from their cereal back into the carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 905

You deserved it 2 085

All you can eat buffet of shit

By Anonymous - 07/03/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, my dad insisted on taking us to a local buffet that is known for bad food and botulism. He kept piling things onto a plate for me, despite my objections. A waitress commented on how much was on my plate. I told her I wasn't hungry, and it was my dad's doing. Her response, "Your skinny self needs to eat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 111

For science

By Anonymous - 28/04/2009 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I was eating cereal and decided to warm it up to see what it tasted like. So, using a candle in the room I placed my spoon over the flame and waited to see if it heated up. Pleased with my silly experiment, I put the spoon back in my mouth. I now can't talk because of my swollen tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 767

You deserved it 250 925

Pranked

By VHBJ - 16/06/2015 16:13 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 877

You deserved it 3 555

Sandwiches rule

By Sebastian Bonaparte - 11/02/2021 00:30

Today, it's the fourth day since I got home from hospital in a wheelchair after a car wreck. It was also the first day that someone in my house offered to do something for me. My father-in-law visited and offered to make me a sandwich. My response? I cried. My wife and kids laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 117

Rushed off my feet

By Anja - 05/07/2024 16:00 - United States

Today, I woke up late and grabbed what I thought was a granola bar on my way out. It wasn’t until I was halfway through eating it that I realized it was a dog treat. I had the godawful taste in my mouth all throughout the day, despite several cans of Pepsi and Mountain Dew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 525

You BASTARD!

By moosemay - 02/04/2013 15:04 - Germany

Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 770

You deserved it 4 430

Hangry boi

By Anonymous - 11/04/2022 14:00

Today, thanks to my wife’s obsession with expensive foods like chutney, relishes, exotic spices, and preserved foreign vegetables and herbs, I'm literally staring into a fridge full of glass jars, with a door that barely stays closed, and yet has nothing inside suitable to eat for my dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 226

Am I really the asshole here?

By What did she expect? - 07/04/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend screamed at me for throwing away her food, calling me a sick, controlling psycho. When I pointed out that the seafood pasta I tossed was a week old and almost certainly rotten, she dug the box out of the trash and ate it to prove a point. Now she's got food poisoning and somehow it's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 121

Pet peeve

By MY CHIPS - 14/04/2025 07:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got home from work to see that not only had my wife opened my bag of potato chips, she'd ripped it all down the side and left it open all day without a clip. Now my chips are stale. She has a whole bag of her favorite flavor, unopened, right next to it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 107

Escape from Hell

By BleedingEarsHungryStomach - 31/12/2022 00:00

Today, my flight home was delayed, then cancelled. I've been hiding in the bathroom for almost an hour, just to get a break from my mom's endless stream of celebrity gossip and every other thought that comes into her head, all while she cooks delicious food that I can no longer eat due to severe allergies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 175

Nice try

By Anonymous - 14/09/2023 14:00

Today, I fed my husband a vegan beef burger so I could show him that it tastes exactly the same when he didn’t notice. He noticed on the first bite and spat it across the kitchen because he thought the meat had expired before I cooked it, and tasted disgusting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 109

You deserved it 1 878

Hush hush

By Louis - 02/09/2024 09:00 - Australia

Today, I went to sneakily grab a snack without waking up my roommate. I was being extra quiet, tiptoeing like a ninja. I opened the fridge door slowly, but managed to knock over a stack of Tupperware boxes. The crash was so loud it could’ve woken the dead. My roommate appeared in the doorway, not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 249

Good job

By An. - 11/01/2021 15:01 - United States - Denver

Today, after a really bad day, I just wanted to order DoorDash. When my food came, I saw my burger had tomatoes in it, despite requesting no tomatoes. I’m deathly allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 145

Policy of truth

By Anonymous - 29/04/2025 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to my daughter in tears because her dad decided 5 was the ideal age to tell her the chicken, bacon, and mince she eats every day comes from dead chickens, piggies, and moo cows. I now have a vegetarian 5 year-old and I’m seriously worried about malnutrition and stunted growth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 171

He's onto you

By No way, doggy - 25/01/2025 00:00 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I tried to sneak some cookies out of the pantry without my dog noticing. I dropped one, and now he thinks that every time I open the pantry, it’s snack time. He won’t stop barking at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 317

You deserved it 189

Get your own food, lady!

By Anonymous - 09/11/2022 06:00

Today, I'm so nice, I allowed my landlady to use my freezer in the hallway. In exchange, she's so nice, she feels entitled to take my food being stored in said freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 187

Yummy

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 11:01

Today, I got an unexpected freebie for breakfast: I took my coffee and a plate of food up to my room. By the time I got there, some fairy had topped the food with a generous serving of animal hair. Gee, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 207

Slip up

By clumsyandhungry - 15/09/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 997

You deserved it 8 746

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I had lower lumbar back surgery. I'm in horrible pain, my kids are wedged up my butt even though my husband is home, and I've heard nothing from friends or family, not even a check-in to see how it went. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155

You deserved it 169

Today, of all the things I have to be self-conscious about (my looks, my weight, my mental health…), I now have to be self-conscious of my breathing, because my brother says it’s “painful to listen to.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 342

You deserved it 108

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 557

You deserved it 412

Today, I learned why one should never insert a tampon after squeezing lemons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 845

You deserved it 16 096

Today, I tried to look cool while playing beer pong. Instead, I slipped violently on a puddle of spilled beer, threw my drink over the person next to me and on the ground, and then fell face-first into the mess I made. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 980

You deserved it 1 260

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 157

You deserved it 68 915