Food

Smoothie with a kick

By Anonymous - 02/07/2021 02:01 - Germany

Today, I made myself a smoothie with fruits and wild greens, which tasted much better than it looked, so I licked the splashes off the blender’s lid. Including a stray leaf that didn’t get blended. Which turned out to be stinging nettle. FML

agreeclassic 372

vote type 1 897

Gamers gonna game

By Anonymous - 25/06/2021 02:01 - United States - Escanaba

Today, I had to delay the Father's Day dinner that I had to cook, so it wouldn't conflict with my wife and kids' gaming schedules. FML

agreeclassic 988

vote type 1 137

Randy Mandy

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 23:01 - United States - Steele

Today, I was eating lunch with my grandmother when a very muscular young man entered the restaurant. As soon as he walked in, my 70-year-old widowed grandmother looked at him and said, out loud, "Ooh, eye candy!" Everyone in the restaurant began staring at us, and the poor guy's face was red as a tomato. FML

agreeclassic 1 021

vote type 1 132

Tasty

By bob - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating noodles. Midway through chewing, I sneezed. The noodles got stuck in my nose. FML

agreeclassic 33 419

vote type 1 4 230

Mean meanie

By yeah uh huh - 15/06/2021 21:00 - United States

Today, my stepmother, an uncontrolled diabetic who refuses to change her abhorrent eating habits, berated me for how "mean" I am for limiting my kids’ junk food, and making them eat a portion of vegetables with every meal. Yeah, real mean. FML

agreeclassic 1 093

vote type 1 85

These are lovely

By kittybad - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didn't have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

agreeclassic 54 176

vote type 1 4 498

Care and sympathy

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 12:01 - United States

Today, after taking vacation time to visit her, my mom told me she was glad I was leaving so she could get back to her diet. I'm prediabetic and have been trying to manage the condition. She ordered dessert at every meal and was the only one in the family who did. FML

agreeclassic 913

vote type 1 109

Feeling faint

By jacey - 12/06/2021 02:01

Today, I discovered that my body will go straight to “weak and lightheaded” before it even considers “hungry.” FML

agreeclassic 883

vote type 1 101

Food ****

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 22:01

Today, I decided to start eating healthier, so I had fruit and yoghurt for breakfast and a chicken salad for lunch. My stomach violently rejected both meals in a fountain of vomit. I later ate a giant McDonald’s meal with no issue, and felt loads better. FML

agreeclassic 846

vote type 1 350

Heavy sandwich, man

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 22:01

Today, I was sitting on park bench eating a sandwich when suddenly the bench broke and I fell and broke my arm. FML

agreeclassic 1 009

vote type 1 116

Bon appétit

By nauseated - 05/06/2021 13:01 - United States

Today, I got asked to a BBQ by new friend. I walked in, and to my horror she's a hoarder. The house was packed wall to wall and everything was covered in thick layers of dust and dog hair. Her dogs were filthy and untrained. They snatched food off the counters while she laughed and kept cooking. FML

agreeclassic 1 029

vote type 1 96

Grossed out

By tiaox - 04/06/2021 11:01

Today, I went on a date with an amazing girl. The date was going well, until she started eating. Although her mouth was closed the entire time, she somehow still made the loudest, most disgusting chewing noises I’ve ever heard. I felt bad about dumping her over that, but I just couldn’t continue. FML

agreeclassic 928

vote type 1 259

Hey stinky!

By kristinjanie10 - 04/06/2021 04:00

Today, my doctor informed me that my severe body odor has no cure, no treatments, and is caused by… eating food. Not any specific food, just food. So either I can stop eating entirely, or I can smell like rotting fish in an outhouse. FML

agreeclassic 1 301

vote type 1 116

Who's the loser?

By thomasthedankengine - 02/06/2021 15:59 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was at a family friend's house for a gathering. I grabbed my food and started heading towards the patio. Unfortunately, I didn't make it to the patio, as there was a glass door in my way that I didn't see. My sophomore year crush saw everything, along with her new boyfriend. FML

agreeclassic 821

vote type 1 298

Fear of mash

By nekos - 02/06/2021 00:01

Today, my mother insists that because I won’t eat my dad’s mashed potatoes, it means I must think he is a bad cook and that I'm a disrespectful little prick. I wouldn’t touch mashed potatoes even if Gordon Ramsay made them, and I was on the brink of starvation. FML

agreeclassic 805

vote type 1 315

Hangry people

By missy - 01/06/2021 08:01

Today, my parents yelled at me for ordering too much fast food. The only reason I’m doing it is because there isn’t any food in the house. Not only that but I’m also trying to gain weight. FML

agreeclassic 852

vote type 1 214

Urges

By Anonymous - 29/05/2021 04:01

Today, I accidentally bought chicken fingers. I couldn't even make it two days as a vegetarian. FML

agreeclassic 299

vote type 1 974

Premeditated

By IgiveUp - 28/05/2021 06:01

Today, I went out to eat with my friends. When the bill came, all three of them had "inconveniently" forgot their wallets at home. I ended up having to pay. It was a $178 check. FML

agreeclassic 1 135

vote type 1 134

Social anxiety

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 06:00

Today, I was eating at my aunt's place with all my cousins and the salad had little green and alive bugs. I didn't want to cause attention, so I tried to pick some off and just kept eating. FML

agreeclassic 534

vote type 1 738

There's no such thing as a coincidence

By Anonymous - 24/05/2021 10:57

Today, I cracked an egg with a disgusting rotten black yolk into the pan, ruining my almost done breakfast. Last time this happened, just coincidentally, two deaths in the family and a near deadly mental breakdown followed. Now eggs seem too gross to eat, and I’m afraid this time was another bad omen. FML

agreeclassic 1 066

vote type 1 163

Dream baby dream

By lani - 24/05/2021 00:00

Today, and since I decided to cut back on unhealthy foods, my last five dreams were literally just slideshows of junk food. FML

agreeclassic 796

vote type 1 137

Pleased to meet you

By Cookie Monster nom nom - 17/05/2021 15:01 - United States

Today, I went out on a date with a cute girl. Everything was going great, until the food arrived. She not only shoveled food into her mouth like it was going to run away, she also smacked, sucked her fingers and laughed out loud with her mouth completely full. It was like dining with a 5-year-old. FML

agreeclassic 1 158

vote type 1 200

Thank God for that

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 02:01

Today, after helping my grandma to clear out and renovate her house, she tells me that the only reason she doesn’t hate me is because God will hate her if she does. All because I threw out a pack of biscuits with an expiry date of Nov 2012. FML

agreeclassic 1 030

vote type 1 87

Smart kid

By outsmarted by a 5/yo - 10/05/2021 04:00

Today, since my daughter refuses to eat any kind of soup whatsoever, I asked her "What are you gonna do when you’re on a date?" She replied with, "Uh...not order soup?" FML

agreeclassic 219

vote type 1 1 940

Misleading

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I'm laughing at how you think this is a date." FML

agreeclassic 56 159

vote type 1 6 552

Yummy

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 11:01

Today, I got an unexpected freebie for breakfast: I took my coffee and a plate of food up to my room. By the time I got there, some fairy had topped the food with a generous serving of animal hair. Gee, thanks. FML

agreeclassic 711

vote type 1 207

Cough it up

By kaitlyn is here - 27/04/2021 05:01

Today, my parents took me out to eat. When the bill came, they stared at me for a while before asking, “Aren’t you gonna pay?” They've never made me pay before, there was no indication that I’d have to pay this time, and I’d left my wallet at home. FML

agreeclassic 1 266

vote type 1 259

Thanks, Shep

By Anonymous - 24/04/2021 14:01

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

agreeclassic 1 124

vote type 1 152

Messy situation

By Steven Haga - 23/04/2021 04:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I ordered some food and included a slice of cheesecake. However, I think they glued the Tupperware lid together and I didn't actually want to launch the cheesecake into the air when I finally got it open. FML

agreeclassic 805

vote type 1 133

Classic brain fart

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 05:30 - Australia - Ballarat

Today, I lovingly simmered a chicken carcass, vegetables and spices to make soup. Two hours it took. After all that, I mindlessly strained out the chicken bones and let the soup pour straight down the sink. FML

agreeclassic 1 126

vote type 1 603

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

agreeclassic 11 076

vote type 1 23 705

Today, my work sent out a fake phishing email as a test. I didn’t fall for it, but because I’m in tech support, we were flooded with panicked callers. People who fell for it have to take training, or their accounts will be locked - which means we will be flooded with panicked callers again. FML

agreeclassic 798

vote type 1 136

Today, my wife asked me for a divorce, shortly after I found out she's been having an affair. Then our county placed us on quarantine for Covid-19. Now I'm stuck living with her until it goes away. FML

agreeclassic 2 413

vote type 1 190

Today, I was sitting on a train, doing homework for my programming class, when a man sat in the seat next to me. He must have been a programmer too, because he spent the next few hours staring at my screen and laughing whenever I made a mistake. FML

agreeclassic 28 474

vote type 1 2 601

Today, I applied to a new gym. Now I have a hernia. FML

agreeclassic 22 924

vote type 1 4 782

Today, I took my clothes off for a shower at an RV campsite. I started running the water when I noticed there was a pack of hornets in the bathroom. I stood there, stark naked, waiting for a chance to get out, for four hours. FML

agreeclassic 43 081

vote type 1 5 636