ALL FML

By Jules - 15/09/2017 17:00

Today, the first day of school, I threw up on my teacher in the middle of class. FML

agreeclassic 3 387

vote type 1 304

Additional info

By schober60 - 15/09/2017 07:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I frantically finished a paper that I needed to complete before midnight about the competencies of my pharmacy school. When it came time to submit, I accidentally selected the file below my paper, which was my personal log of beer reviews and personal favorites. FML

agreeclassic 2 203

vote type 1 3 178

By sadCowboysfan - 15/09/2017 05:05 - Canada - Ajax

Today, after working out at the gym, I accidentally left my towel in my locker. Since it was early, I didn't mind walking to the showers naked. After showering, I couldn't get my lock to open, leaving me stuck trying to open the locker totally naked, as the locker room filled up. FML

agreeclassic 3 050

vote type 1 3 354

sadCowboysfan app_comment_confession_title

sadCowboysfan 20

Sunday 10 September 2017 18:35

Hi op here, just to let you know how it worked out, it took me about half an hour to open it up after the lock got stuck. For the most part, nobody bothered me except for a few guys who made a point of talking about me being circumcised (unusual in Canada). Eventually, a friend of mine let me borrow some shorts so I could get someone to cut my lock off. I went and bought a key lock right after.

By TakenAdvantageOf - 15/09/2017 04:30

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

agreeclassic 3 451

vote type 1 597

By GumStickExtraGmail - 14/09/2017 17:30 - United States - Arvada

Today, I found my daughter playing on my phone. When I got it back, I saw multiple texts to my boss saying that I quit. FML

agreeclassic 3 733

vote type 1 632

By Dogmom - 14/09/2017 23:15

Today, I overheard my manager tell a customer that it's perfectly safe for dogs to eat grapes if they're seedless. I work in a pet store. FML

agreeclassic 3 251

vote type 1 203

By Kyrie - 14/09/2017 20:00

Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML

agreeclassic 3 520

vote type 1 249

Opposites attract

By forest killer girl - 14/09/2017 16:00

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

agreeclassic 3 254

vote type 1 629

Great plan. Solid.

By Monagro - 14/09/2017 07:00 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me to propose by telling me that the sooner we get married, the sooner she'll get pregnant and hence the sooner we can eat the placenta. FML

agreeclassic 4 097

vote type 1 394

By Flattie - 14/09/2017 04:30

Today, I finally measured myself to find a properly fitted bra. I'm AAA, a size which doesn't technically exist. Goodbye self esteem. FML

agreeclassic 3 599

vote type 1 362

By "Marlon4136" - 14/09/2017 01:30

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

agreeclassic 3 904

vote type 1 281

Nope.

By Just Set Me On Fire - 13/09/2017 23:15

Today, while at work, I felt what I thought was a ball of lint on the back of my neck. I reached back and grabbed it only to end up holding the biggest wolf spider I've ever seen. FML

agreeclassic 4 090

vote type 1 238

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 20:00

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

agreeclassic 2 475

vote type 1 5 985

By Sarah Ellsberry - 13/09/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

agreeclassic 4 140

vote type 1 297

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 08:00 - Canada - Grand Bay

Today, I thought it would be funny to mow a dick into my grandmother's lawn, but the mower leaked gasoline and now there's a giant dead grass outline. FML

agreeclassic 1 162

vote type 1 4 650

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 01:30

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

agreeclassic 3 895

vote type 1 266

By Nicky13Na - 12/09/2017 23:15

Today, I hit the six-year mark for daily vomiting. All the doctor can say is that it's psychological. FML

agreeclassic 4 197

vote type 1 312

Sashay away!

By Anonymous - 12/09/2017 20:00

Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML

agreeclassic 3 771

vote type 1 398

By crawforda350 - 12/09/2017 16:00

Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML

agreeclassic 3 561

vote type 1 275

By DantesInfernalRage - 12/09/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

agreeclassic 3 945

vote type 1 266

Throw the bill at the kid. Do it.

By Deadmeat - 12/09/2017 04:29

Today, I was really excited that I'd made it the two weeks I'd borrowed my mother-in-law's new car without putting a scratch on it. I got off work to discover a customer's child throwing rocks in the parking lot. They cracked the windshield. FML

agreeclassic 4 060

vote type 1 274

By nobodywasthere - 12/09/2017 01:30

Today, I rushed onto the metro to get to work. I found there were no seats left and asked a perfectly healthy guy to let me sit in the handicap spot. He refused to because "being tired" was a handicap characteristic. I have one leg. FML

agreeclassic 4 723

vote type 1 286

By unluckybirthdaykid - 11/09/2017 23:15

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

agreeclassic 5 521

vote type 1 429

By Munch - 12/09/2017 04:00 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

agreeclassic 4 326

vote type 1 909

Props to you, though

By PartyPooped - 11/09/2017 13:00

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

agreeclassic 3 886

vote type 1 347

By poisonivyandbigfoot - 10/09/2017 20:30 - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

agreeclassic 2 439

vote type 1 4 379

By Somekindofcaleb - 11/09/2017 01:30

Today, my car died after I got off work at 1am. All of my coworkers had already left and nobody could come out to jump my car. I had to walk the 3 miles home in a torrential downpour. FML

agreeclassic 3 939

vote type 1 283

By Mito - 10/09/2017 23:15

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

agreeclassic 3 626

vote type 1 324

By RectalSteve - 10/09/2017 20:00 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

agreeclassic 3 582

vote type 1 288

Et tu, Brute?

By FML - 10/09/2017 16:00

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

agreeclassic 5 856

vote type 1 318

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

agreeclassic 32 903

vote type 1 5 686

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

agreeclassic 4 838

vote type 1 249

Today, I found myself completely naked, tied to a chair with a slice of ham on each breast. Note to self: never again let my boyfriend make one of his fantasies come true. FML

agreeclassic 598

vote type 1 144

Today, I got dressed in what I thought was a really adorable outfit. I had a cute pink skirt on, a white tank top and silver strappy sandal heels. On my way to the mall a car pulls over and this guy asks me how much for three hours. FML

agreeclassic 32 281

vote type 1 75 657

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

agreeclassic 24 305

vote type 1 4 758

Today, I was super excited to receive a large inheritance, maybe put it towards a house and a vacation. To my horror, the entire 40k went to my child support arrears. My psycho ex is the one who wanted those three kids, not me. FML

agreeclassic 72

vote type 1 1 259