Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

by Seriouslynow / 05/22/2016 at 1:55pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, as I was instructing our new third grade students about how our martial arts classes are safer than people think, someone broke their leg right in front of their innocent faces. They saw the bone sticking out. FML

by muaythaiboss / 05/22/2016 at 1:45pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, after spending months comparing the previous weather forecasts to work out the exact date, and after travelling 12000 km by plane to see the cherry blossoms in bloom in Japan, I learned that this year, they bloomed 10 days earlier than expected. And to top it off, it turns out I’m allergic. FML

by GirlyClaire / 03/29/2013 at 7:37am / Japan (Tokyo)

Today, a motorist yelled at me for texting and driving. I was too ashamed to admit that I'd been admiring the booger I just picked from my nose. FML

by lohandork / 05/22/2016 at 1:33pm / United Kingdom (Wandsworth) / Transportation

DocBastard's comment : Drunk driving Talking and driving Drowsy driving Texting and driving Reading and driving Applying makeup and driving Road sex I never thought I'd have to add "Picking and driving" to my Stupid Things Only Idiots Do While Driving list.

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Today, because I’m on my period, I asked my boyfriend to turn around so I could change my clothes. He replied, “Oh you know, I’ve seen worse, I’ve been watching Dexter.” FML

by Camou / 08/21/2013 at 8:01pm

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

by seththing / 05/21/2016 at 11:49pm / Transportation

Today, my wife was talking to our 9 month-old baby. “Your father really is an example.” I smiled, feeling proud, but then she added, “and not a really good one.” FML

by vdm / 08/17/2014 at 1:21am

Today, I realized my boyfriend's right hand gets more action in a week than I do in a month. FML

by really / 05/21/2016 at 10:23pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

zedjaleaf1's comment : So does that make him his own right hand man.

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Today, I was babysitting a 6 year-old and a 9 year-old. After they went to bed, I started working on a project for on my laptop that was due in 12 hours and fell asleep. I woke up to a dog licking my peanut buttered keyboard and the two kids sitting in the corner giggling. FML

by Kendall14159 / 05/21/2016 at 10:14pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I gave a presentation for my final on class. While I was giving the speech my shirt strap broke. I ended up flashing everyone including the teacher. At least I got an A. FML

by hrs220 / 05/21/2016 at 5:55pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

george_s_4's comment : You got an A and I'm sure the guys and in the class weren't complaining so I'd say it's a win ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice since I was 13. FML

Today, I asked about 30 students and 3 of my teachers to sign my yearbook. So far, only my math teacher agreed to write in it. He wrote, "You need to try harder next year." FML

by sastgamer / 05/21/2016 at 1:46pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my two year old has learned new things from his best friend. His best friend is our dog. He's learned to eat dog food, lick people, and now he's started taking off his diaper to lift his leg and pee. FML

by proud parent / 05/21/2016 at 12:03pm / United States (Texas) / Kids