By Anonymous

Tinfoil hat wearers are everywhere

Today, I overheard my mom on the phone ranting about how China "engineered and released" the coronavirus and the giant hornets in an attempt to take over the world. Only one more month of quarantine left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1427

You deserved it

239

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Leave us alone

Who are you?

Do as you're told

By GrandTheftArson - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21081

You deserved it

1565

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By Fauna

Today, I started to make a protein shake to have a healthy breakfast. It exploded. Turns out, my mom lost the rubber gasket and put the blender back, so it looked ready to use. By the time I cleaned it all up, it was time for me to leave for work. I'm now eating chips from the vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1610

You deserved it

147

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By Anonymous

There's insane and then there's this guy

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2093

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1199

You deserved it

1054

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By Matt988 - 22/3/2021 23:00 - India

Unexpected

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

759

You deserved it

230

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By Anonymous - United States - East Hampton

Today, I watched in horror as my dad picked up a dead centipede, placed it on his tongue, and then swallowed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42634

You deserved it

3589

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By irresponsible - United States

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35898

You deserved it

8840

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By anon - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

I agree, your life sucks

43290

You deserved it

3088

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By Hallllo - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

100088

You deserved it

9066

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By anon - 5/6/2021 02:01

Not a great start

Today, after waiting to losing our virginity together, we finally did it, only for my boyfriend to claim he doesn't understand how people enjoy sex, since he found the waiting stressful, the sex awkward and undignified, the orgasm unimpressive and so sticky, he was desperate for a shower afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1059

You deserved it

140

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By Carrie - 23/2/2021 21:30

Bad boy!

Today, I was enjoying my dinner by my patio window when I spotted a cat roaming through my backyard. As I observed it explore my yard, I also watched as it climbed onto, then took a piss on the freshly clean clothes I had left to dry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

803

You deserved it

117

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By scared2poop - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17287

You deserved it

3735

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By Clueless - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49697

You deserved it

4381

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By Anonymous - United States - Provo

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53193

You deserved it

11148

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36675

You deserved it

7096

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43633

You deserved it

5769

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By Blank - United States

Today, my new step-dad proposed to my mom during a family trip to Wal-Mart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41431

You deserved it

4127

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26548

You deserved it

9843

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2021 21:30

Skyped out

Today, I had one minute to go before a team meeting from my work, a blackout occurred in my block. The outage lasted an hour. The meeting was about 40 minutes long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

796

You deserved it

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By Megz - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, my roommate of a year and good friend of several more decided to move out. When I came home from a long work shift, I found all the cupboards emptied out of everything, including all the new stuff I bought to replace what she was going to take with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36143

You deserved it

2729

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By Firewielder - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32854

You deserved it

2997

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By pear8head - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54123

You deserved it

5874

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By Bridget Jones? - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50384

You deserved it

5109

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Crank

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47614

You deserved it

21414

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By longlostkid556 - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56117

You deserved it

5789

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2021 20:00 - United States - Elverson

Ever Given

Today, I had to poop, but as I sat down, it wouldn't come out. After about 10 minutes I realized I needed help. The only help I could get was my mother, who couldn't stop laughing at the sweat and faces I made. I still hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

771

You deserved it

251

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By Anonymous - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40627

You deserved it

2948

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 04:58

The runs

Today, I woke up next to my wife at my in-laws. It was all set to be a beautiful morning when we got serves breakfast in bed, until my mother in-law started pointing at the big shit stain running from my ass and on to the sheets. Never trust a fart, especially when you're sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

744

You deserved it

421

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By Anonymous - Australia

I'm right here

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22669

You deserved it

2174

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By Photoshopped - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11322

You deserved it

918

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By Tony - United States

Today, my fiancée informed me she'd invited her ex-husband to our wedding at her parents' request. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27790

You deserved it

2131

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having a garage sale and my mother-in-law came by to see what I was selling. She decided to buy these ugly green wine glasses that were still unopened. It turns out that she gave those to my wife and I when we got married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18920

You deserved it

43347

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By Pantsontheground - United States - New York

Looking like a fool...

Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1369

You deserved it

2905

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By Unfortunate Painter - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23709

You deserved it

3249

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By MTJY - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my ex. After pouring my heart out to her, saying we were meant for each other, she looked at me and said, "Don't bother, I've already slept with your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43492

You deserved it

5471

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By shnigel - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30334

You deserved it

7294

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By pandapantsMD - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31849

You deserved it

2655

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By psychic parents, how do they work? :( - United States - Effingham

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32661

You deserved it

47374

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By fml333 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26492

You deserved it

3831

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By Anonymous

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1703

You deserved it

839

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Top comments

By Bogrbon | 23

#7904910 - Saturday 9 May 2020 21:37

Sounds like you need to put parental controls on the FoxNews channels. Who knew “parental controls” were there to control your parents.

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7904960 - Sunday 10 May 2020 0:48

Holy shit just one more month of quarantine?! I’d love to borrow the crystal ball you have. I’m jealous your quarantine actually has a deadline. Mine is still “TBD”

COMMENTS

By franky222 | 3

#7904878 - Saturday 9 May 2020 20:03

My family is exactly the same.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7904881 - Saturday 9 May 2020 20:07

murica has held the patent on the virus

By Bogrbon | 23

#7904910 - Saturday 9 May 2020 21:37

Sounds like you need to put parental controls on the FoxNews channels. Who knew “parental controls” were there to control your parents.

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7904960 - Sunday 10 May 2020 0:48

Holy shit just one more month of quarantine?! I’d love to borrow the crystal ball you have. I’m jealous your quarantine actually has a deadline. Mine is still “TBD”

s_ve | 7

#7905150 - Sunday 10 May 2020 22:25

Canada? Lol because same

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7905202 - Monday 11 May 2020 4:27

One more month? Have you seen the dumbasses who are in charge? I'll be drawing a pension before they sort it out. And I'm currently in my 30s!

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7905209 - Monday 11 May 2020 5:25

I mean, she isn't completely wrong... maybe not the engineering part but both did come from China.