Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor's house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, "I hope this kills you!" because I'm allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML
Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML
Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML
Today, on the way to work, I was punched in the balls by a complete stranger. FML
Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML
Today, I had an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and found peanut butter on it. I'm extremely allergic to peanuts. FML
Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML
Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML
Today, after volunteering all day at the homeless shelter, I was mugged on my way to my car. FML
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Top comments
Blacksxe 1
I assume they yelled: "Eat my nuts!!!!"
moonmonkeyman 6
So u are complaining that u got hit withs nuts instead of being shot with bullets??
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Comments (93)
Blacksxe 1
I assume they yelled: "Eat my nuts!!!!"
blackheart24 10
Statistics show that more and more people are falling victim to the newest heinous crime: Drive by Peanuting. Let us pray for the victims.
YoTengoTomatoes 7
So, would op rather be shot at than thrown nuts at?
ClassyCommando 13
There's a big difference between "I'll bust a cap in yo' ass!" and "I'll bust a nut in yo' ass!" That...could be misinterpreted. :)
n_epic_fail 14
Because you would have loved to be worth a bullet, right?
Guren 0
Wait so **** your life because you would have rather been shot?
I_Hug_Cats 26
At least OP is worth something, even if it is a bag of peanuts...
ladyLALAA 29
Once my housemate and I threw cadbury cream eggs at some protesters.
22cute 17
37 76 96 - **** your life because you cannot appreciate how funny this FML is.
alliewillie 22
I think so many of these FMLs would be funnier without the addition of the last sentence where the OP attempts a witty or ironic observation. Funnier to just tell the story and let commenters draw their own conclusion!
TheFamilyElf 17
122- those things are delicious! If I were those protesters, I would have stuck around and hoped you threw more at me!
daisy963 4
Oh wow that would of been the funniest thing!!!
tiptoppc 21
I was at a village In. Years ago and a group came in. My friends and i were laughing at jokes we were telling (it was like 1am on a Saturday, which they were open 24hrs on weekends) and another group of people that were dressed up from a rather flamboyant party (not gay I don’t think) when one of them came up to us and said “you all can eat a bag of dicks!” Then dropped a small bag on the table with different colored hard candy that was shaped like a dick and balls. They timing and delivery was brilliant and made a great time better. I just hope OP isn’t allergic to peanuts, or if not, and they didn’t hit that hard, could at least laugh, unless they have a stick up their ass’
SebastianG 2
Who does that? I'm sorry though!..
waswashere 0
Well I mean with the economy and all
Birdie_Sage 0
In that case, wasting food is not good. So pick it up and eat 'em!!
kbtoyz69 9
were they "salty" nuts?
Brownie101abc 7
O.o
Dajucy1 7
It seems one of your eyes is bigger than the other, I'd get that checked out if I were you
Birdie_Sage 0
Your eyes are really pretty today!
Caitlyn2 0
They must have been nutty.
vampiresam9097 5
Thats so punny! Lol!
vintagemeow 6
Too easy, you're better than that
bioboy725 10
They were such goobers.
PAPERCLIPv2 4
You're worth MY bag of nuts ;)
biggestfan23 11
Yea that's not creepy or anything
phatdaddy62 23
I'd say the creepiness was intentional.
nofearjenshere 12
The level of creepiness of the comment goes well with their picture.
xXxIracebethxXx 14
The creepiness has been doubled!
baseballplaya5 7
Man that's nuts
Philerup31 12
Bah dum tss
Angitia 8
I can't seem to figure out how this comment is any better than #5's.
PYLrulz 17
Yeah, I find that odd too. Hell, usually the first pun or two gets thumbed up, then most puns after that usually get trashed
GirlYouNasty 11
This comment is only good because of 59's reply.
moonmonkeyman 6
So u are complaining that u got hit withs nuts instead of being shot with bullets??
MrSassypants 34
I think OP is complaining that s/he got hit with peanuts when instead he could've got hit by nothing.
ZooMzy 9
56- Apparently not if OP is complaining about only being worth a bag of nuts. If there was nothing thrown, OP would complain about being worth nothing.
yahoowizard 16
He'd rather go down gloriously fending off an army of 100 marines singlehandedly, as opposed to only being worth a driveby and a bag of peanuts
tygerarmy 35
Maybe the OP has a nut allergy? These drive by assassin's are masters of their craft.
bitch_pleez 10
Letting autocorrect work its magic She's skeins Allen's Aldiss s disowns dmskansxkxkane d end Sheba skins Shane decor floods djdienejdienndjdnwnsjdienei ejejdue sheik when throw skid ejdn Deneb kfken jerkdjdienejdienndjdnwnsjdienei
KiddNYC1O 22
Op wants to be worth bullets through his chest lol.
ChelseaGrin112 14
Well, at least they're better than bullets.
bobbeta30 14
Lol I'm thinking of the two peanuts walking in the park, and one of them was "asSALTed" lol I love that joke......... yup.
hawaiianluv 6
Hopefully you aren't allergic...
leadawg75 12
No kidding. That really would've been reckless manslaughter wouldn't of?
leadawg75 12
No kidding. That really would've been reckless manslaughter wouldn't of?
jbfan23100 0
That's the moment when you're supposed to take out your chain-saw and run after them!!
TheElderTROLLZ 15
So you carry a chainsaw with you 24/7?
ladyLALAA 29
Who doesn't!
jbfan23100 0
Aww c'mon I was being sarcastic, do I really deserve downvotes??