Today, in an attempt to eat healthier snacks, I took an apple to work. I ate it after lunch. Now my teeth are full of bits of apple and I can't focus on my work because it's distracting. Three hours until I can get home and floss. FML
Today, I went to go visit my friends in my hometown. It was really nice seeing everyone. We had dinner at one of my favorite places, plus all 3 of my kids behaved! We all said goodbye and I drove home… leaving my kid's stroller in the parking lot. In MA. I live in NJ. I didn't realize till this morning. FML
Today, after weeks of everyone at work avoiding me, I finally asked my coworker what was up. She informed me, “You’re 350lbs and try to dress like an office siren, it’s pathetic to look at.” FML
Today, my husband (M72) and I (F69) had yet another argument over all the time he spends away from home doing hobbies and volunteering. After an emotional conversation about my moving out, he said, "Well, if we are done talking about that, let me tell you what I got to do today." Biggest emotional slap ever. FML
Today, I lost my wallet while out shopping. Panicked, I retraced my steps and found it at a store, turned in by an employee. Grateful, I opened it to find a note that read, "We left the money but took one dollar for karma." I checked. They did actually take one dollar. FML
Today, I did the walk of shame at work after walking in 20 minutes late with a venti iced coffee in my hand for the umpteenth time, my boss then told me to pack up all my things and get out so I could have all the time in the world to get iced coffees. FML
Today, my date received food she didn’t order, and instead of eating it without complaint, she sent it back. When I got up to leave, she began to cry. FML
Today, the guy I'd met online ghosted me because I’d left dead skin residue on his toilet seat. FML
Today, my daughter used my towel. She thought that because it was clean, it would be okay. She’s 27. FML
Today, I told my sister that it wasn't classy to eat an entire box of cookies by herself. She responding by telling me it's not classy to not know who my son's father is. FML
Today, I got in the car with some friends, only to realize none of them were wearing seat belts. They heckled me until I took mine off, then the driver slammed on the brakes and I hit the dash. They'd all known it was coming and braced themselves. FML
Today, I went to the casino and put $500 into a game and lost it all. I tried another $100 and won it all back, plus some. Instead of walking out ahead, I kept trying to hit bigger and ended up losing all my rent money. Rent is due and now I can’t pay it. FML
Today, my boyfriend was breaking up with me because he felt his needs were not met. I asked what I could do to change his mind. He said, "Suck my dick, right now." It got me more turned on than I thought possible. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I kept running into the same guy in every aisle of the supermarket. By the fifth time, I nervously joked, “I guess we’re destined to be soulmates.” He gave me a deadpan look and replied, “I work here.” FML
Today, I joined my crush for their workout class. I didn’t realize it was an advanced class. Ten minutes in, I was gasping for air, bright red, and drenched in sweat. The instructor had to stop and ask if I needed a paramedic. My crush offered me a cup of water along with a look of deep concern. FML
Today, I bought new earphones for my phone so I could finally listen to music again. Not an hour later I broke it. FML
Today, at the park, I saw my toddler fall. I rushed over, picked him up, and said, “It’s OK, Mum’s here.” He looked confused. So did his real mum. I had mistakenly grabbed a random child instead of my own in front of everyone. They weren't even wearing similar clothes. FML
Today, I have a new guitar on its way. I forgot to make up a story, so now my wife won't be happy. FML
Today, while I was at my girlfriend's parents' house for dinner, and I thought no one was looking, I picked my nose and put it underneath my chair. Turns out she has a little brother who found it appropriate to point at me and scream, "Booger monster, Booger monster!" FML
Today, I'm using mold and mildew stain remover on my mattress, all because I threw up on it drunk, and was to lazy to clean it up when it happened. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend of six months to be honest and tell me why she didn't give me a chance at first, two years ago when I first asked her out. I guess I shouldn't have asked, because her response was, "At first I wasn't digging you that hard, but the guys I liked didn't have your personality." FML
Today, I have an office crush that I'm completely in love with. I tried to make some type of connection, but to him I'm dead, I'm just like some kind of office furniture, like a lamp or a printer, but even more useless. FML
Today, we lost our dream house because the current owner heard us discussing our plans to landscape the massive back garden, and she decided she couldn’t sell to someone who planned to rip out all the flowerbeds she spent years cultivating. Why sell the house then, selfish cow? FML
Today, I got fired from my job. Turns out, just because the new redheaded guy at work doesn't say anything about you calling them "Ed Sheeran" all the time doesn't mean he's not reporting it to management. FML
Today, my rich ex-husband died, and left our two children $100 each, while leaving his other children seven figures. He said in his will that it was his "revenge" for my infidelity. Now my kids won't talk to me. How cruel can you be, holding on to a grudge and punishing your own blood for it? FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why we never have sex anymore. He said, "Honestly, you lie there with your arms balled up against your chest, you don't moan or give any indication that you're enjoying things. It makes me really uncomfortable." FML
Today, I’m learning to cook and invited friends over to prove I’m improving. I timed everything perfectly… or so I thought. I realized I’d never actually turned the oven on. We stood around a beautifully plated tray of room-temperature lasagna while I said, “It just needs… a bit more time.” Two hours later, we ordered pizza. FML
Today, I excitedly told my parents I was going to India for an exotic vacation in two months. My dad responded with a "DO NOT REDEEM THE VACATION!" reaction in a racist voice while laughing. My mom snorted and fake-chastised him while also laughing. FML
Today, I went to do laundry in my apartment building. I thought no one was around, so I walked down in my pajamas (a giant t-shirt with holes and socks with sandals). Of course, I ran into the neighbor I’ve had a crush on for months. He was shirtless, holding a laundry basket like an ad for cologne. He smiled and said, “Nice, erm, outfit?” I’ve never sprinted back upstairs faster. FML
Today, I took my date ice skating, even though I’m terrible at it. I always knew I had shit balance, but I practically spent the entire time clinging to the wall, while she glided gracefully around me like an Olympic skater. At one point, she laughed and said, "You’re graceful like a cat… slipping across a frozen patio!" FML
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