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The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Anonymous
No way she'll be a Karen
Today, while picking names for our unborn daughter, my mom decided to help by providing a list of names she absolutely won’t accept because they’re all women she hates for insane reasons. It has over 300 common names on it. Every time we pick another name, boom, there it is on her damn list. FML
No life (apparently)
United States
We believe in you
Today, after months of playing chess as a hobby, I'm actually starting to get kind of good. Excited at my results, I decided to share this with a friend. Her response: "Don't quit your day job. You're not becoming a professional." First of all, I'm not trying to be THAT good, nor do I expect to. Secondly, ouch. FML
Anonymous
United States
Thanks mom
Today, I learned that I may have lung cancer. I've never smoked a day in my life but it could be from secondhand smoke exposure from all the years of my mom smoking around me. FML
Anonymous
Capreol, Canada
What's the plan?
Today, and for the last two weeks, my husband has been playing hide and go seek with the internet router and my iPad to, I guess, try and punish/annoy me. I keep finding them, use them when he’s not home, and put them back. FML
Anonymous
West Chester, United States
The writing is on the wall
Today, I overheard the guy who hired me talking to one of my managers in hushed tones about me. I'm pretty sure he's going to send me an email soon, saying that my job "probably isn't the right fit" for me, which is part of what I overheard. FML
Anonymous
United States
The place to be
Today, the choir director I’m playing drums for sent an email saying we’d changed venues, but didn’t say where it was, making me hunt for this venue, and making me nearly late to rehearsal. The bass player was here on time. How did she find the venue? The director's Facebook. FML
Anonymous
India
That's wild
Today, a colleague was telling me she still breastfeeds her 4 year-old son, and that she has breastfed kids of her neighbours too. She kept talking about it and I ended up staring at her ample breasts. She noticed and asked me if I wanted too. Now I don’t know what to do. FML
Ash
Doncaster, United Kingdom
We care
Today, my friend spent ages telling me about her friend who is in hospital underweight with anorexia and how she wants to do anything to help because she's so worried. What I wished I could've told her is that my own ED makes me suicidal and I'll probably not survive long, but I'm not underweight so nobody cares. FML
Anonymous
United States
Ratted
Today, one of my friends got me in trouble when he called our house and asked my parents why they didn't see us at a school conference. My parents were at a meeting elsewhere at the time, so I didn't bother to tell them about it, as we couldn't have gone there to begin with, and it was voluntary. They're mad anyway. FML
Anonymous
Stalkers everywhere
Today, I got another "secret admirer" letter from someone at work. I'm now talking to the police, yet again, because I'm a middle school teacher and suspect it was from one of my underage students. Nobody warned me about this when I became a teacher. FML
Kristie
Australia
NEXT!
Today, I went on a blind date. Everything was going great until I laughed so hard at one of his jokes that I snorted, choked on my drink, and accidentally slapped his face while trying to cover my mouth. We didn't order dessert. FML
Anonymous
Calera, United States
No dice
Today, I interviewed with a company 5 times over the course of 7 weeks. It was going really well and although not my dream job, it would provide a step up for my family. I got the offer letter at 1 PM! As I’m reading it, I realize it’s actually addressed to the other finalist. Sent to me, not for me. Offer rescinded. FML
Anonymous
United States
What?
Today, I had to deal with my baby daddy, who I currently live with and was in a relationship with (but not anymore after today) cursed me out after someone who works for the county came to our home and served him papers. Mind you he’s been speaking on the phone with this person, and told them he would be home. FML
Despair
Manchester, United Kingdom
Don't call us, we'll call you
Today, I was at a job interview and, just as I was about to answer a question, I suddenly got the worst case of hiccups. I tried to hold them in but ended up hiccuping in rhythm, making me sound like a malfunctioning robot. I spent the rest of the interview with a red face and no idea how to get my dignity back. FML
that desert girl
Phoenix, United States
Doggy dog world
Today, I've been crying on a regular basis because I know one day my dog will die. He’s a completely healthy and happy dog, I just can’t accept how short his life will be and the fact that he’ll probably die before me. FML
David
Cork, Ireland
David Tinfoil
Today, as an amateur magician, I tried a new trick at my nephew’s birthday party. The trick involved pulling a fake rabbit out of a hat. I didn't realize my nephew had put his real pet rabbit in the hat as a prank. The poor rabbit jumped out, scaring the kids, and causing chaos. FML
It means child p*rn
Edison, United States
If you know, you know
Today, I was at a party, and heard a mutual acquaintance had been arrested. I asked what for, and was told "Cheese pizza." I yelled in confusion and outrage, since I thought they were joking. I was told later in private what "Cheese pizza" meant. FML
Trent
United States
Deviated septum blues
Today, I had a nosebleed at work after having recent surgery. As I was walking to the bathroom, I tripped and fell, sending blood splattering everywhere. My manager, who was walking by, looked at me and said, “You’re really committed to the bit.” I was too embarrassed to respond. FML
EnSatsuKokuRyuHa
Just predator things
Today, my boss "entrusted" me with the company's biggest client because I was handpicked. Immediately when our solo call started, she asked, "Are you married?", I honestly responded, "I sure am!" She abruptly hung up and no longer responds to our calls. She spends here more than all our other clients put together. FML
Anonymous
Germany
Invaders
Today, the snails have been so prolific that not only have I lost any hope of growing vegetables this year, but they have actually eaten all the flowers off my crocuses, and the broom on the terrace looks like it’s wearing hair gel. FML
Anonymous
Thanks for your input
Today, my granddaddy called me with the sole purpose of letting me know that I’ve gotten so fat, he doesn’t even recognize me anymore. I’ve been silently suffering with a health condition that causes major weight gain. FML
Anonymous
United States
Behave
Today, I had no choice but to move in with my grandmother who is extremely strict and old fashioned. She is demanding that I quit my construction job because according to her, women are supposed to be dainty and petite and poised and beautiful, not construction workers. If I don't, she'll kick me out. FML
Werebothwomen
United States
Roomies
Today, I found out that my roommate of over 8 years assumed “the rag” I keep “above the toilet” was meant for wiping, and “the rag” on the separate towel rack was for washing your face. I have used the hand towel “above the toilet” to dry my hands after washing for a decade. FML
I h8 my skin
Skin deep
Today, for the sixth time, I made a girl feel cherished and appreciated, only for her to pick someone else. I have vitiligo all over my skin and face, so girls typically don't look at me twice, and the potential girls I would like to date only "see me as a friend" and pick men with normal skin. I give up on love. FML
Bless
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Season 3 claims another victim
Today, I was watching Euphoria’s new season and my mom barged in without knocking to ask me something. At that precise moment, a very explicit sex scene came on. She threw a bitch fit, tore up my prom ticket and told me that I ever lose my virginity while living under her roof, she’ll kick me out of the house. FML
tas2013kid
Taiwan
Slicey slicey
Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML
Party's Over
Halloween is near
Today, like we do every year, we watched a documentary show's annual Halloween special. Everything is set: food, location, the works. Our so-called uber-religious mom, who always opposes to this because it's "inauspicious", right before it started, hijacked the TV to stay in one channel, The 24-Hour Bible Channel. FML
SN MetalMilitia
🌶️ Spicy
Make believe
Today, I once again bought condoms at the gas station to make the people who work there think that I have a sex life. FML
Anonymous
Dick move
Today, my wife insisted on getting burgers at like 11:58, two minutes before the place closed, which was a dick move. As she’s placing her order, I clearly heard the guy in the back going, “For fuck's sake…” as he restarted the grill. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he spit in her fries, honestly. FML