Today, my family was going to have lunch with my parents' friends, who have a kid my age who is very similar to me, and is really cute. I wanted their number to see if it could turn into something beyond friendship, so I dressed up cute and did extra flawless makeup. All for the lunch to be canceled. FML
Today, someone told me to watch out for ice and slick spots. Gee, thanks. I could have used that information before I stepped out of my car and fell on some black ice. My left arm feels like it's on fire, and I'm left handed to boot. FML
Today, I had a long talk with my now ex-boyfriend. I explained why I'm not comfortable with him bringing up his new female coworker multiple times a day, talking with her about their kinks and fetishes, or possibly being around her outside of work. We've been together for nine years. He's only known her for a week. FML
Today, as I continue to experience more revelations about how fucked up my mental and physical health really are, I'm starting to feel as though I was destined to not live very long. If I were to list every mental health issue or chronic condition I have, it would likely be enough for an entire Wikipedia article. FML
Today, I asked my roommate to spit in the toilet instead of the sink so I wouldn't have to touch it. When I rinsed the sink after brushing my teeth, he said, "Why would you touch the sink? It’s gross." FML
Today, my ex told me he never wanted to talk to me again, because of how annoying I am. I’m still madly in love with him. FML
Today, I decided to take a nap in the park. I found a nice shady spot and closed my eyes. When I woke up, I realized I had fallen asleep on an ant hill. My entire body was riddled with ants. FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been pursuing for six months doesn't date people in recovery. That's literally how we met. FML
Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML
Today, I woke up and realized it's still 2020. It's like Groundhog Day. FML
Today, my girlfriend screamed at me for "disciplining" her son, saying, "You're not his father!" I've lived with them for two years, supporting them, while his real father is off shooting up heroin, but sure, I'm out of line for telling the little brat that I don't like being called "Butt-crack." FML
Today, for the first time in at least two years, the temperature exceeded 100 degrees in my area. Except this time, it nearly hit 110. Even with my fan and air conditioner on the highest setting, my room was still burning hot. It's currently 11pm and the temperature has gone down… to 81 degrees. FML
Today, after mom and dad divorced, remarried people who already had kids, then had more kids, I have 3 siblings, 5 half-siblings, and 3 step-siblings. The reason I’m telling you this is because this Christmas I apparently got lost in the crowd and both mom and dad forgot to buy me a gift. FML
Today, I snapped my banjo string while vigorously masturbating. I was so ashamed, I told the doctor I did it during sex, but I could tell they didn’t believe me. I want to curl up and die but that hurts my stitches, so I guess I’ll have to lie flat on my back and die instead. FML
Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML
Today, I travelled in a shared taxi on the winding roads of the Peruvian Andes. The guy next to me felt sick and started to throw up. In Peru, they shove 8 people into a 5-seater car. FML
Today, I found out my husband’s former mistress is going to be at Thanksgiving dinner. Why? Because his idiot brother married the tramp AFTER the affair came to light. So now not only is the whore my sister-in-law, she’s being included in every family gathering henceforth. Fuck this family and… FML
Today, we discovered that our 14 year-old son is having sex. I was mad as hell at him, but by the end his dad completely took over the conversation, congratulated the hell out of him, and gave him money for condoms. If I wasn’t there, I genuinely think he would’ve asked our son for tips on infidelity. FML
Today, I fucked up when I answered a phone call. I wasn't sure who the number was at first, and it turned out to be my ex girlfriend who had apparently been stalking me. She asked me how my new girlfriend was, and as I answered it in front of my girlfriend, she's now depressed. FML
Today, my boyfriend has a freezer full of his favorite dish, which I cooked for him, yet he is subsisting on chocolate and those pathetic ready-made sandwiches from the supermarket. Why? Thawing and heating up a meal is too much trouble when I’m not there to do it for him. FML
Today, I came in to what was already going to be a long day at work. All of my coworkers no-showed. With them, it probably would've taken about 5-6 hours to get all my work done and go. It took ten hours. My feet hurt. FML
Today, I watched my country's president yet again talk about how, thanks to "his economy", we're all doing better than ever. I watched from my childhood bedroom, because in the last year, inflation has gotten so bad that I can't afford even the cheapest apartment. FML
Today, our cats got in a serious fight about the rights to some prime mousing territory. The territory in question? Our kitchen. FML
Today, I was just released from hospital after a heart attack. As a 37 year-old woman with healthy habits and no family history of heart issues, the doctors have no idea why it happened. So instead of telling me how to change my lifestyle, they told me to proceed as usual, and hope that it doesn't happen again. FML
Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML
Today, a customer told me to go to the “fucking border back to illegal immigrant land” and that he can’t wait to “put Trump back in office” so he can get rid of “incompetent ass Mexican bitches” like me. What did I do to cause this? Tell him that we were out of a sauce. FML
Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML
Today, I went out in public for the first time since getting new glasses. I was mistaken for Jeff Goldblum at least a dozen times. The first few times it was amusing, but now I can see why being famous is such a headache sometimes. FML
Today, my wife screamed, cried, called me lazy and a bad parent, and threatened to leave and take our four kids. All I did was ask for an hour to myself every day for some private time. FML
Today, I live in Romania and my walls are particularly thin. After enduring my neighbor’s parties, the house music of my neighbor, I’m now enduring the covers of traditional Romanian songs with a flute by my neighbor. FML
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