Today, I found out that the coworker I’d been crushing on told me he was gay so I wouldn’t hit on him anymore. Turns out he did that so he could focus on wooing a female coworker of mine. They’re now dating. FML
Today, I just realized that my Sims character has a far more stable lifestyle than what I can ever have. FML
Today, I finally finished a drawing of a tiger. The only thing left to do is write the word "Tiger" in Sanskrit and glitter on the portrait, because I thought it would look cool. Only to find out, the Sanskrit word for tiger is "Viagra." No, I'm not kidding. This portrait took me numerous tries and several weeks. FML
Today, my wife was screaming at our son over his maths homework, so I poked my nose in to help calm them down. My wife was not happy when I pointed out that most of her calculations and answers were wrong, whereas our son got most of his right. I’m now in the doghouse because my wife can’t count. FML
Today, my absentee dad died in America and some branch of the American government decided that I need to settle his debts. "Which debts?" you ask. Unpaid child support. Yes, America wants me to pay them my own child support, despite never meeting my dad or even once setting foot in America. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend begged me not to take an amazing promotion at my job. He reasoned that he’d be emasculated and humiliated if he had a girlfriend that outranked and out-earned him. I had to celebrate alone as my whole family lives in another state. Congrats to me but also, FML
Today, my manager yelled at me for not supporting Trump, who "obviously is the best choice for president right now." We don’t even live in America, we live in England. FML
Today, I finally caught the person who has now and again been stealing my lunch at work for weeks. It was my boss. I awkwardly watched him eat my sandwich while he talked about how he's been "saving money by bringing food from home." FML
Today, since I've been falling for the girl I've been sleeping with for the past couple of months, I decided it was time for us to talk about making things official and exclusive. I was confident she'd feel the same way. Then I found out she's an escort. FML
Today, I began noticing a certain female name popping up on my husband’s social media notifications,so I asked him about it. He got irrationally upset at the fact that I pronounced her name wrong, told me she’s “nobody”, then said, “I hate it when you accuse me of shit!” I didn’t even accuse him of anything. FML
Today, my dad was so dizzy, he couldn't get out of bed. I called his doctor but sadly I confused the word "vertigo" with "libido." The doctor may have been impressed but offered me no helpful suggestions. FML
Today, my husband of 35 years told me he had an affair with his secretary in 1995, when I was home with 3 preschoolers. At the time, the phone system required that the secretary pick up, so I was saying hello to her like a fool. I had no idea at the time. He would just come home and tell me how hard his job was. FML
Today, my overly jealous insecure brother "found" my ATM receipt, and called me out during a family luncheon, accusing me for being a drug dealer because, "How else could someone who is unemployed even before the pandemic could have almost 7 digits?" I couldn't answer them. Secretly, I'm a furry hentai artist. FML
Today, I read an FML about a guy who only kissed his girlfriend to make her shut up up. I left a comment, telling him to break up with her and stop wasting her time, only to realise I’d wasted 3 years on my abusive alcoholic ex. I’m now 30 and starting to think I’m getting too old to find someone and have kids. FML
Today, I realized it became my duty as an American to check in on nearby friends and family every time another mass shooting happens. My government refuses to do anything about it. FML
Today, I got slapped in the face for stifling a yawn at my grandmother’s funeral. I wasn’t being disrespectful; I have a condition. FML
Today, my wife opted for a home birth with a nurse and her mother. Her mother is such a baby-feral, men-are-bastards, hippie feminist dragon that not only did she yell at me when I tried to be in the room, she has now pushed me out of the house. I ended up sat in my car with only one shoe and no phone. FML
Today, I presented the worst seminar presentation probably in the entire history of my graduate department. I kept stumbling over questions, and overall, making an ass out of myself. I probably should leave my masters program at how thoroughly I burned myself. FML
Today, I got a new job where one of my co-workers is someone I have been in love with for over 5 years now. She's married but my feelings for her just won't go away. FML
Today, after buying an old house that lacks plumbing a few weeks ago, I’m still crapping in a bucket in the barn. My two favorite Christmas gifts are still 2 pieces of rubber to dampen the noise from my new sewage pump and a used ceramic toilet bowl. FML
Today, I was playing Spikeball with some friends when the ball got lost and went rolling towards a pond. As I sprinted to grab it before it fell in the water, my shoe came off, causing me to trip and faceplant into the mud. I then watched as the ball rolled into the pond. FML
Today, I attended a family reunion, during which my grandma gave me "relationship advice" in front of everyone. She's been married five times, and her longest marriage lasted a whole 6 months. FML
Today, while sprinting, I tripped, fell, and somehow managed to kick myself in the balls. Legs shouldn’t bend like that and I’m frankly amazed I didn’t break my knee. My wife got the whole thing on video too. FML
Today, I looked down while taking a piss and could only see my belly button. Wow, I’m fat now. FML
Today, as I'm terminally ill and have less than a year to live, I told my wife that she could see other men so long as she continued to care for me until I passed. She clapped and cheered. FML
Today, my cat decided to use my keyboard as a scratching post, and now my computer won't work. FML
Today, I've gotten to that point in life where I can no longer seem to trust a fart. FML
Today, I just found out that my local drag strip, where the best races in my area were held, is being shut down to build a truck stop. It was sold out of nowhere, with no warning. It was the one thing that I actually looked forward to every week. FML
Today, faced with the problem of my children fighting over which one of them was going to sit in the middle in the car’s back seat, I suggested that they take turns. Now, they’re fighting about who got to sit there the longest. FML
Today, I had a job interview for a position at a police station. I asked to use the restroom and accidentally opened the wrong door, locking myself in a stairwell. I had to knock on the door until somebody let me out. Safe to say I didn't get the job. FML
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