By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/3/2020 02:00

Not that handy

Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML

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614

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Check this out

Assumptions

Live dumping

By Closingwild - 21/7/2012 06:18 - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my sister, but they already knew each other from my sister's work. She's an exotic dancer. FML

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28353

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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40963

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4467

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By joe - 19/11/2012 03:13 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I bought a new armband to hold my iPhone while working out so I can listen to music and I was excited to start getting in shape. Unfortunately, when I tried it on, my arm was too big and it didn't fit. FML

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22908

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1418

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140

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By hopeless-.- - 29/8/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

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31037

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7433

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By cannotexplain - 4/10/2016 14:43 - Australia

Today my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a mutual decision but I was curious as to what he thought went wrong. "I was just never sure if you brushed your teeth regularly." He cheated on me twice. FML

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12297

You deserved it

1243

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By fuck - 14/8/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, while out shopping, I noticed a seedy bum kept following a girl around the store. Trying to be a good samaritan, I trailed them into the street. The bum jogged up behind her and looked like he was about to grab her, so I ran up and tackled him to the ground. Turns out he was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27735

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By Andiii - 26/7/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I got a surprise call from LA Fitness saying I've been signed up for a two week pass. It's from my boyfriend. Didn't see this one coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30446

You deserved it

8566

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By Lemonhead - 30/11/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike back to my house. Suddenly I was hit by something in the head. I looked down to see a lemon on the ground and looked up to see a guy yelling at me in a car that was passing. He was yelling at me because I got in the way of the house he was throwing it at. FML

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29853

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been in love with for a long while got back together with her ex boyfriend because he had confessed his true feelings to her through a note in her locker. It was my note. FML

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115078

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3091

You deserved it

121

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By UHLSucksSTL - 6/10/2016 15:50 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11197

You deserved it

737

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By AbFlab - 1/6/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

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34675

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5186

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By madamefuxalittle - 8/7/2014 20:52 - United States - Stratford

Today, an elderly lady sat next to me on a bench, and started telling me out of the blue about how bad it is to have saggy boobs. I was uncomfortable enough at the unwanted info, without her then looking at my chest and adding, "But I expect you already know that, dear." FML

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46686

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By hawaiianlovechild - 29/11/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, my dad and I were watching Hawaii play the Navy in football. I cheered when Hawaii won. My dad turns to me and says, "You know your mother and I concieved you there?" Thanks Dad. FML

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22374

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3897

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 15:37 - United States

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to talk with a British accent during my job interview to make me sound smarter. I'm applying for a job at McDonald's. FML

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29457

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5335

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By ignored - 28/9/2019 00:01 - Canada

Wait here

Today, I showed up on time for a job interview. After waiting for about three hours, I was informed that the manager had "better things to do" than interview me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 00:33 - United Kingdom - Knowle

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29306

You deserved it

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By - 15/2/2020 01:00

Too stupid

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

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434

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2075

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By toametru1 - 9/11/2016 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

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12056

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8845

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2017 08:28

Salad days

Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML

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8480

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748

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 21:31 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, let's just say it's not always a good idea to storm into your mum's bedroom after hearing several loud slaps accompanied by yelps. What sounds like domestic violence might just be your mum and step-dad's foreplay. For Christ's sake, I need brain bleach. FML

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42131

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By anonymous - 1/2/2009 10:53 - United States

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

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70917

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1164

You deserved it

307

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By Ouchithurt - 4/8/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49803

You deserved it

20927

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By Agathus - 10/11/2011 14:35 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my mother spent over $5,000 to fly in a Feng-Shui master, put him in a five-star hotel, and had him walk around our house with a compass, moving things to help improve the "energy flow." Now all I have in my room is an old mattress and lamp. He's coming back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37259

You deserved it

3292

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By yikes :/ - 22/5/2017 18:00

Today, the cute coworker who's been flirting with me drove me home. While I was contemplating asking him to kiss me, he politely told me to, "Please get out, I promised my girlfriend I'd pick her up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3947

You deserved it

982

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 01:15 - India - Ahmedabad

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

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41615

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By yep, she does have a tumblr - 18/7/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30365

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By dazzla08 - 26/3/2011 00:07

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

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54421

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3313

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By poorcollegestudent - 30/10/2009 20:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my university bookstore and tried to use my debit card to pay, but got the "Insufficient Funds" notification. I was buying a single postage stamp, which costs 57 cents. FML

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31095

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By oD_Ronan - 29/8/2013 07:39 - United States - Olympia

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

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41190

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 13:29 - United States

Today, is the day of the biggest concert in the state of Florida, and it's also my birthday. I was so excited to hear my mom got tickets. It was for her boyfriend and her. I'm stuck at home babysitting. FML

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58745

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4397

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 01:55 - United States - Port Orchard

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

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45437

You deserved it

9256

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By WhoLikesPie - 25/7/2015 15:51 - United States - Tampa

Today, I went to my girlfriend's job to surprise her for lunch, her manager said she hasn't worked on a Saturday in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31148

You deserved it

2078

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By Marcella - 24/10/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55347

You deserved it

4411

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By well SHIT - 27/2/2014 21:46 - United States - Little Elm

Today, while having a sneak through my brother's browser, I found a bookmark for a Google Docs file. It was a short story involving him horrifically killing our entire family. It ended with the words: "And that is what happens when people don't respect the author's privacy." FML

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27798

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 11:10 - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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45050

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By anonymous - 11/2/2011 09:54

Today, I was posted with a very lonely gate-guard. From the second I arrived, I had to listen to him drone on and on, and now I know his entire life story. I was there for four hours. FML

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25133

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By Rowaelin16 - 23/8/2016 02:50 - United States - Chicago

Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML

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18769

You deserved it

1447

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7893699 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 3:49

I think you can go there as much as you want!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7893690 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 2:37

If you gave him a good handjob, free movies for life!

Comments

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7893686 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 2:06

Maybe ease up on the drinking from now on since you’re giving favors to guys that can only get a job at a theatre.

Marcella1016 | 29

#7893720 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 6:50

Yep favors like that only go to those worthy white-collar guys!

...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7893690 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 2:37

If you gave him a good handjob, free movies for life!

rhett | 4

#7893796 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 14:17

Probably true even it it was a bad one

RichardPencil | 28

#7893830 - Tuesday 31 March 2020 18:15

Nah, a bad handjob is so shameful, you hope the giver just vanishes from the earth in an anticlimactic puff of smoke.

They can't even pull off the simplest sexual favor. To hell with them!