By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 23:01

Caught spunk-handed

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

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Assumptions

Don't give up

Fairytale ending

By Loveless - 6/5/2019 00:00

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By Jakub89 - 5/6/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. In order to prove I was human and complete my registration, I had to pass a CAPTCHA. Coincidentally enough, the words in it were "depressed" and "loser". FML

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By horribleevening - 31/1/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By CaptainFluffyPaw - 29/6/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

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By ColdFoot - 3/10/2009 06:38 - Australia

Today, my train was canceled so my ticket expired by the time another train arrived. I was fined $90 by ticket inspectors 'cause my claim that the early train didn't run was "unsubstantiated". Leaving the train I was pushed by the crowd, fell, lost a shoe and had to walk home with one bare foot. FML

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By norestforthewicked - 14/2/2017 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

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By gassygirlfriend - 10/5/2015 08:40 - United States - Nampa

Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML

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By diggingaplotforone - 11/8/2012 23:47 - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 23:12 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 13:16 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he traded nude pictures I sent him for a costume piece in an internet game. He told me I should be okay with this, because, "It's a rare piece." FML

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By WhereforeArtThouJustice - 10/12/2014 21:49 - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

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By just wanted nice nails - 5/8/2015 04:37 - United States - Palmer

Today, I found out that you can ruin a $500 computer with a few stray drops of 100% acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard. FML

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By MenstrualCrampsRuinedMyAcademicFuture - 25/7/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I vomitted on an Oxford professor during my first university interview. They called me "little miss nervous" in my second interview. FML

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By fuckmee - 1/8/2017 05:00

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML

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By why mom - 2/8/2016 23:52

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 13:09 - Canada

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

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By Randolph - 15/10/2012 02:24 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, a clown came over for my son's 8th birthday party. There was a moment of silence then laughter as everyone realized the clown and I were wearing the same plaid shirt. FML

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By Goodyear - 20/1/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

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By punchedhelper - 20/6/2012 23:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

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By notnicefools - 29/5/2012 02:51 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to visit my husband's grave. I was unable to mourn in peace because some teenagers were smoking pot and talking about a government conspiracy "to change the way gravity works" on the next grave over. FML

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By goodbyepromotion - 30/8/2013 06:28 - United States - Dayton

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2014 23:39 - United States - Erie

Today, while doing some spring cleaning, I found the remains of my goldfish, which I was sure my cat ate last year. FML

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By veiny - 21/4/2015 13:48 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my nurse girlfriend told me she's more attracted to the veins in my arm than any other part of me. FML

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By omfg - 8/10/2019 00:01

Addictive

Today, I was introduced to Minecraft. I haven't blinked in 5 hours. FML

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By callerid - 3/8/2009 11:45 - United States

Today, I had misplaced my cell phone. I decided the best course of action would be to dial the number from my house phone and wait for it to ring to locate it. Somebody answered when I called. It wasn't the wrong number and I had a brief conversation with the man that stole my phone. FML

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By MonCoiffeurAdoré - 28/6/2012 02:43

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

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By LikeAndreTheGiant - 13/2/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

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By Dakota - 28/9/2017 04:30

Bad Day for a Good Boy

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

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By LagSwitchFTW - 25/1/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

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By NYCproblems - 24/6/2013 14:06 - United States - New York

Today, my ten-year-old brother came to visit me in NYC. Within ten minutes of walking on Times Square he had seen a prostitute and a partially-naked man. He now refuses to leave my apartment and screams when I try to drag him out. He's here for the next two weeks. FML

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By Ben - 3/8/2017 23:00 - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 14:00 - United States - Charlottesville

Smash the patriarchy!

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML

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By Hotdamn - 21/3/2016 04:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

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By porkeater - 16/7/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

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By saywhatnow - 25/11/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By idiot - 28/6/2020 08:07

Double trouble

Today, I was sitting on my bike texting when someone snatched my phone and ran. Like an idiot, I jumped off my bike and ran after him. He then ran in a big circle, got on my bike and sped off. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2016 19:27 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my coworker cornered me in the office bathroom and insisted that, because she's been watching me, I use the bathroom too quickly and must not be washing my hands, and that I have to wash them from now on. FML

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By zacharynedley - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Elkridge

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7926392 - Wednesday 29 July 2020 0:17

I'm sure what they were doing upstairs makes your little porn seem quaint. I'm thinking he was fisting her while she was giving him a rusty trombone.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7926699 - Thursday 30 July 2020 4:57

Did they harmonize with the porn stars upon reaching orgasm?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7926392 - Wednesday 29 July 2020 0:17

I'm sure what they were doing upstairs makes your little porn seem quaint. I'm thinking he was fisting her while she was giving him a rusty trombone.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7926699 - Thursday 30 July 2020 4:57

Did they harmonize with the porn stars upon reaching orgasm?