Today, I realized I sacrificed all my friends to make sure my marriage was successful, but sometimes when under extreme stress from my wife, I use the B-word and that’s enough for her to want to leave me. However, it’s perfectly fine for her to say "Fuck you" and that I’m a everything but a decent human being. FML
Today, I had a substitute for science and I was standing at the stationary table when some other guy came over and made the thing wobble. The whole thing fell over and I got all the blame. Then I was sitting with my friends at lunch but another friend came back right when my crush was gonna sit next to me. FML
Today, I tried to take a selfie with a famous celebrity, but I accidentally hit the video record button and recorded myself walking away from them instead. FML
Today, my husband admitted he sometimes gets me ragingly jealous of other women on purpose because when I’m jealous I put in more effort in the bedroom and it’s easier to get me to do anal. FML
Today, I had a very important video call for my job. I hadn’t used the particular app in a long time so I hadn’t checked my screen name. Turns out the last time I used it was in March with my friends, and my name was "Euro Slut." My employers saw it. FML
Today, I helped my neighbor carry her groceries upstairs. One egg carton slipped from my hand and exploded in the sink. She stared at the mess, then at me, and said, “That's my omelet down the drain.” FML
Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, I overheard my younger coworkers discussing my age. They said, “How old is she? Some days she looks like she's 35 and other days she looks like she's 58!” FML
Today, I'm living in a hotel and every morning during breakfast, I inspect the muffins and see hair under the clear wrap. This morning, I finally found no hair when looking at the muffins and I really wanted one. I peeled back the clear wrap and immediately revealed hair. Why is this place so disgusting? FML
Today, I tried meditating at the park to “be more mindful.” Right as I closed my eyes, a squirrel jumped onto my leg, causing me to scream loud enough to scare a nearby jogger, who then tripped over his own feet. I apologized while shaking uncontrollably. FML
Today, I realized that my new house is next to an elementary school playground. I figured this out after I kept hearing loud high pitched screaming when the kids had recess from inside my house. My sensory issues are already thanking me. FML
Today, a friend replied to my invitation to watch the Silent Hill movie. The invitation was from January. FML
Today, as the new school year starts, we had the traditional class council election, where I bravely nominated myself for class president. As our new teacher tallied the votes on the board, I corrected her with a minor detail: "Ma'am, its Lance A. not Lance O." She responded, "What Lance O? That's your score! Zero!" FML
Today, I held the door with my back to greet everyone into a meeting. When I followed the last person in, my waistband managed to get looped on the door handle and shut behind me as I walked away, taking my body with it. I was leading the meeting, as the branch manager. FML
Today, I was brushing my teeth in a rush before work. I squeezed the toothpaste tube too hard, and some of it it shot directly into my eye. I spent the next ten minutes half-blind, crying peppermint tears, and still somehow managed to be late. FML
Today, I realized that my husband can call me a hoarder because I hide stuff for my son's lunch so it's his to eat. Not only is that what mothers do for their loved kids, he has been hoarding and hiding $100+ PlayStation store credits. Hoarding his own boy's prize for doing well, and now blames me if our son is slow. FML
Today, I ate 30 chocolate pocket brownies, two caramel chocolates, two Budweisers. All of that while on my breaks at work. I'm a guy and I'm worried about getting diabetes while i'm actually craving more chocolate and sugar treats, my body is getting weaker, I'm getting dumber, fatter, and slower as we speak. FML
I must admit, sometimes I am the coworker...
Today, I went to the supermarket and picked up some groceries, along with what I thought was a bag of chips. I ripped it open in the car and realized it was a bag of birdseed. As I spat out the birdseed through the car's open window and tried to clean the mess, a pigeon flew into my car and attacked me. FML
Today, I was in a quiet meeting on Teams using noise-cancelling AirPods when my coworkers started giggling. I assumed someone’s mic was acting up. Turns out, my mic was on, and the mysterious squeaking noise was my chair… or so I thought. Nope. My dog was also behind me licking a balloon for some reason. FML
Today, after I finished dinner, I was getting ready to wash the dishes, but first I needed to take my vitamins. I accidentally gagged myself and puked in the kitchen sink of dirty dishes. I had to clean vomit and the dishes. I vomited my entire dinner. FML
Today, I'm an adjudicator for our school's debate team, collectively I have over 20 years experience both as a debater and as an adjudicator, and yet I have no idea how my daughter manages to convince me she deserves an extra dessert and to stay up an hour past bedtime every single day. FML
Today, I bought a new shirt I thought looked cool. At work, three people complimented me, then each one added a variation of, “My dad has the same one!” By lunch, my confidence had left the building entirely. A coworker even asked if I’d gotten it from the “retro section.” FML
Well that's adorable.
Today, I went to the bathroom after my 9 year-old nephew. Apparently nobody taught him to lift the seat when he pees, or how to aim properly, because when I sat down, I sat in his pee. FML
Today, trying to get to work just off Eglinton station in Toronto, I slept in, didn't shower, and didn't have money for an Uber, so I jumped on the street car. This was the only time they had people checking tickets. One 200$ fine later, I'm late for work, and after a warning for my tardiness, I was sent home for "stinking." FML
Today, my ex got mad at me because I made her shut up. She started a new job six months ago in sales, and all she does in the time we have to work in a team as volunteers is whine about her customers. She even started treating us (other volunteers) like her customers, to the point that we feel uncomfortable. FML
Today, I tried to parallel park my car in a tight spot. After several failed attempts, I finally parked, but then realized I had parked on a slight incline. My car started rolling backwards. I had to chase it down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, I caught my husband peeing into the bath. His excuse was that he was simply too tired to pay enough attention to aim properly into the toilet bowl, this way he could just undo his zip, piss without even opening his eyes, then go to bed. I married a wild animal. FML
Today, I finally have my own space and was hopeful that I would get to improve myself in different ways, personally… except that the thin walls contradicts my personal goal during this moment of my life. FML
Today, I woke up at 6 a.m. from a nightmare in which my stalker ex was my Uber driver, but I woke up before he killed me. I fell back asleep and woke up after several more people attacked me and I fought them off with pepper spray, and found out more people were looking for me because they got 13 years. FML
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