Kitten Struggles

Today, I'm faced with the prospect of having to defend my sister from a herd of very angry bronies. FML

Fashion Police

No justice

Spooky

By Why? - 5/3/2015 22:34 - United States - Broomfield

27452

2526

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

By say no to dick - 18/4/2014 22:56 - Australia - Newcastle

33658

43423

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

By assante2010 - 24/7/2011 00:09 - United States

58244

6852

Today, I heard a baby crying while I was walking down the street. I walked around until I found it. In a dumpster. I immediately called the cops, completely freaking out. When the cops came, they pulled the baby out of the dumpster. It was a plastic baby doll. FML

By failbaby - 2/6/2009 06:18 - United States

49463

24142

Today, I was supposed to start my first day of work at my dream job. However, my car had other plans and refused to start. When I called my boss to tell him I was going to be late, he told me not to come in at all and fired me on the spot. FML

By piece of crap car - 4/1/2017 06:27 - United States - Portland

8708

799

Today, I was trying to cook a pizza for lunch at my in-laws. I preheated the oven and took my dog out to go potty. I come back in to find the house filled with smoke, the detector going off, and a fire in the oven. Apparently, my mother-in-law left a tray of glass candle holders in it. FML

By ThankfullyNotKickedOut - 26/8/2016 18:17 - United States - Coldwater

11325

3975

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

By argh - 20/3/2012 08:16 - United States - Houston

7082

33323

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a 3-hour trip because she needed a break from the baby and me. I forgot to mention who she went with: her ex. FML

By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 23:04

I need some me time

1804

121

Today, a telemarketer called my house phone and asked for my grandpa. We were having his wake. FML

By tazthespaz - 29/12/2016 03:18 - United States - Comstock Park

5077

372

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

By roommateprobssss:( - 11/12/2012 15:57 - United States

26176

2626

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

By TalkDirtyToMe - 10/10/2014 19:33 - New Zealand

45887

7413

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

By Whoops - 20/10/2011 04:36 - United States

31734

1977

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

By I Feel Horrible - 20/7/2014 17:59 - United States - San Francisco

58839

9388

Today, I bought a box of tampons and went to the store restroom to insert one. I then put the box inside my purse. On my way out, I got stopped by security, who yelled at me to empty my purse. He grabbed my bag, spilling the tampons everywhere. Apparently, he thought I was stealing. FML

By sailinggsoul - 2/8/2019 00:01

1808

142

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

By kumcat - 11/1/2015 05:57 - United States - Aurora

31855

3934

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

By lazy pregnant girl - 5/7/2012 19:34 - United States

25700

10140

Today, I went on a date with a cute guy. After picking me up, he started to play on repeat, and sing to me, 'Happy Together' by The Turtles. For the entire 20 minute ride. FML

By girlie5445 - 13/2/2010 08:49 - United Kingdom

25759

3718

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

By notapervert - 28/2/2013 07:57 - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

18933

39473

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

By MCKilllerrr - 18/1/2011 05:05 - United States

39658

3505

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

By Rashbeard - 5/1/2020 01:00

Rash beard

1703

406

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text telling me to turn the radio on to a certain station. When I did, there was a talk show on, and the host was ranting about how important it is for women to control themselves and not be emotional. My boyfriend continued texting me, asking if I was listening. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 04:17 - United States

58041

14766

Today, I kept having dreams that I had made drunken snapchats. Those weren't just dreams. FML

By ac19k - 22/3/2016 02:34 - United States - Franklin

387

242

Today, I canceled going to a party with my sisters because I had a secret plan to have a threesome. They left for the party, but soon returned thinking it would be no fun without me. By then we were already making a lot of indecent noise. They heard it all. FML

By Sofi - 21/8/2018 06:00

2105

2796

Today, a woman contacted me because she thinks my daughter and her children are half siblings. I thought it was a scam until she sent me a picture of my estranged ex and her kids, who look almost identical to mine. I’m the eighth woman she's contacted so far, with who knows how many more to go. FML

By how many?! - 22/8/2019 00:01

2034

146

Today, I was woken up by a call from "the Nuisance Call Prevention Registry". The lady on the telephone didn't see the irony. FML

By Telemarket - 4/4/2012 10:58 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

25381

2235

Today, I found out my 35 year-old brother got divorced 18 months ago when my now ex-sister-in-law told me via Facebook messenger, and asked me to tell my parents, as both of them were too scared to do it themselves. FML

By Clauric - 3/5/2016 15:15

12139

857

Today, my school is having their homecoming, and it seems everyone but me has someone to go with. My best friend has her boyfriend, my brother has a date, and I have my hamster. FML

By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 02:47 - United States

30292

6828

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

By AvocadoPurse - 31/12/2019 16:00

2652

261

Today, I decided to make a toaster scramble. I thought it was bad enough when the pastry fell through the grate in the toaster over. Then it burst into flames. After 5 minutes of fanning the smoke away from the smoke detector, it still went off. Now my entire dorm building is outside in a snowstorm. FML

By im_a_mocker - 28/1/2009 23:35 - United States

23219

5846

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 17:45 - Sweden - Stockholm

13850

1556

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

By MADfml - 26/2/2009 03:12 - United States

59469

5180

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

By MadameM - 26/2/2009 08:17 - United States

41973

9607

Today, I went to Safeway. Go in, get stuff, come out, and I have almost no room to get into my car because an SUV was parked in a compact spot next to me all crooked. Irritated, I got a pen and paper and wrote 'Nice parking you F*ing idiot' and stuck it on the windshield. Then I notice someone was in the SUV. FML

By Amanda - 11/8/2009 05:52 - United States

17116

46371

Today, I was halfway through eating a what I though was a delicious sandwich, when I turned it over and saw nasty green mold on the bread. FML

By Magaña.i.am - 16/4/2019 16:00

1670

438

Today, I put cucumber slices on my eyes to help me relax. I found this very calming till I woke up to ants trying to eat my eyes out. FML

By jumpy - 3/1/2010 23:59 - United States

30523

6523

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

By Loveless - 6/5/2019 00:00

3113

191

Today, while walking around outside with my friends, I was told that I have no right to complain about the heat since I'm not fat. Thirty minutes later, I had sweat out all the liquid in my body and promptly passed out from heat stroke. FML

By yuhan - 22/7/2018 19:00

3769

486

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 12:22 - United Kingdom - Slough

27048

3856

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

My package

2313

646

Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML

By Tom - 10/3/2011 11:09

42152

3575