Kitten Struggles

Today, as I was walking back inside I noticed my mop leaning on the wall next to my door. I picked it up and started slow dancing with it, imagining it was the girl I'm in love with. I didn't notice my neighbours bunched up at their window laughing. FML

Proactive

Dad jokes, part 43884

You snooze, you lose

By anonymous - 4/5/2011 10:01 - Australia

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Today, I asked my grandpa why he spoils me so much. He told me it's because he truly believes no one else will ever want to. FML

By bxjxj - 22/12/2014 18:40 - United States

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Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

By RiceSickle - 1/8/2014 02:50 - United States - Pleasanton

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Today, the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

By ouch - 1/7/2015 13:35 - Canada - Saint Marys

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Today, I accidentally covfefe

By Anonymous - 2/6/2017 11:08

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Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

By heartsick - 4/4/2012 05:43 - United States - Davenport

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Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 18:00 - United States

Dumpy baby

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Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

By djl - 20/12/2012 05:30 - Canada - Beaumont

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Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - 1/3/2010 13:17 - United States

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Today, I held a container while a patient tried to throw up in it. She missed. FML

By FML - 12/11/2009 07:14 - United States

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Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

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Today, I was running late for an important job interview because I couldn't find my keys. I place the keys on my kitchen counter every day to prevent exactly this type of situation. After few minutes and missing my interview, I finally found my keys, in my hand. FML

By Anonymous - 12/7/2012 16:04 - United States - Millers Tavern

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Today, I went to a bar with my best friend, and some guys came up to us and started flirting with her and offering her a drink. I felt a bit left out and started joking that "I'm thirsty too". One guy looked at me, cringed and said, "No, I don't buy drinks for weird girls." FML

By notgoth - 27/7/2014 22:17 - Netherlands - Rijen

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Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

By tumblrinas_at_work - 2/5/2015 08:04 - United States - Woodland Hills

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Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

By oldtexas - 13/8/2009 07:27 - United States

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Today, my dad asked me to help him buy a laptop by searching online. He explicitly said, "When you have time." I decided to shower as I had just woken up. While showering, I was startled by loud banging and my dad angrily asking why I wasn't looking for his laptop. FML

By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 02:00

Impatience

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Today, I drove 6 hours to make a job interview missing my best friends' wedding. The interview is actually tomorrow. FML

By poncho31 - 22/5/2010 08:08 - United States

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Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

By Teaching26 - 15/5/2010 07:47 - United States

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Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

By racchhh - 26/7/2009 15:25 - United States

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Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

By dicksonthebrain - 26/9/2014 13:03 - United Kingdom

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Today, I fell asleep during my division emergency meeting. As I about to head home that evening, my boss patted me on the back saying "Wrong move. Good luck". Turned out, it was a meeting to determine who will be kicked out of the company due to recession. My name was written first on the list. FML

By Unemployed - 30/9/2009 09:03 - Malaysia

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Today, my boss commented on the fact that I don't usually wear makeup, then told me it would be much appreciated if I'd change that. FML

By sarahc_c - 8/12/2014 09:17

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Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

By like - 14/3/2009 05:50 - United States

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Today, I was once again passed over for a promotion. I'm now the assistant to a kid who has failed to meet almost every single responsibility he's been given before. It's my job to make sure he's successful, and if he isn't, I'll lose my job. FML

By wenchfucker - 18/6/2012 19:49 - France - ?pinal

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Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

By gibsonSG323 - 14/6/2010 23:13 - United States

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Today, I'm severely sunburned and can barely walk properly. My boyfriend keeps telling his friends that it's because of "how hard he gave it to me last night". FML

By snowwhite - 28/10/2013 04:51 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

By everythingWASperfect - 13/11/2010 14:43 - Canada

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Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

By Anonymous - 19/4/2011 15:06 - United States

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Today, I woke up to my best friend laying next to me vigorously touching herself. She thought I was asleep. FML

By Anonymous - 1/10/2019 12:00

Alexa, play "Asleep" by The Smiths

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Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:23 - United States

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Today, after checking in and waiting 3 hours to see the doctor, the receptionist said she forgot about me because she didn't see me. She asked me to come back tomorrow. I was sitting right in front of her. FML

By misty - 28/6/2011 16:14 - Canada

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Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

By ihatebeingacashier - 11/7/2016 21:06

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Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

By whorecrux - 2/7/2013 03:37 - United States - Newark

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Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

By oprahahaha - 2/3/2009 04:20 - United States

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Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

By Confused - 23/3/2012 15:34 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, my thighs started chafing 3 hours before the end of my work shift. Now they burn no matter what I do. I still have an 8-hour shift tomorrow and I can barely walk. To make it worse, my mom's only words of advice involved me losing weight so it "doesn't happen again". FML

By lonely-mind - 17/9/2018 06:30 - United States - Jackson

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Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2017 14:00

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Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

By joi9496 - 1/1/2018 01:30

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Today, I was awkwardly taking a dump at work, when a coworker in another stall started talking shit to me about our boss. I grunted and agreed, hoping he'd shut up and leave me alone. That's when a third guy sarcastically chimed in with insults from a third stall. It was our boss. FML

By Anonymous - 3/3/2013 18:03 - Germany - Augsburg

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Today, my daughter admitted why her grades, which are usually straight A's, have been slipping the past few weeks. Turns out she has been deliberately failing tests to avoid becoming valedictorian, so she won't have to deliver a speech at graduation. FML

By stillaproudfather - 22/5/2014 19:24 - United States

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