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Paying Bills
It just disappears!
The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs
Anonymous
Germany
A lot to unpack here
Today, my crazy cousin copies and buys whatever I buy. Like I bought an electric razor to shave my legs and privates, and she took a photo of it to buy the exact same one for herself for the same reason. In a hospital situation that required her to shave her privates, her husband did it for her as she doesn't know how. FML
Anonymous
Birmingham, United Kingdom
Sticky
Today, it's been a few days since I had surgery, which means I can’t wash my hair myself for a couple of weeks. Today I paid to have it washed professionally… then proceeded to spill liquid glucose all over the ends of my hair. FML
ShyBear
🌶️ Spicy
No more fun
Today, my partner called me from urgent care because his jaw was hurting. Apparently he now has lockjaw from going down on me too much. FML
Anonymous
United States
I ain't pressing charges though!
Today, my stepdad is insisting that we either get rid of my dog or euthanize him because he bit me. FML
Linda
Sweet!
Today, I learned a hard lesson: when you order 12 artificial sweeteners and 6 packets of raw sugar with your home-delivered Starbucks coffee so that you can have a small hoard to sweeten up the coffee you already have at home, they just may put all 18 items in the cup and stir it up to your apparent liking. FML
SHUT UPPPPP
The more you know
Today, my man learned that "boner" used to mean "mistake." Now he won't stop referring to every mistake someone makes as a "boner", laughing like a hyena every single time. FML
toomanypills
Easton, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Freuding intensifies
Today, I'm in 12th grade and came home from school to find out my mother had someone over to have sex while I was at school. She's not had sex my whole life, so the uncomfortable feeling it gave me is different than anything I've felt before. She's been single by the way. FML
Anonymous
Occupational hasard
Today, while at work as a digital personal shopper at Walmart I was done picking, so I went to go put the cart away. I ended up hitting a coworker because she was crouched down cleaning something. I felt so bad and now I’m scared I’m going to get fired. FML
Its painfully bad
Gamers will know
Today, my wife got bored and went into my collection of old PC games. She started playing Mass Effect and commented that she loved it and wanted to play all three. I don't know how to tell her that it ends worse than Game of Thrones. FML
Anonymous
United States
Such an honor
Today, I was selected to throw the ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game. I practiced every evening for two weeks. In front of hundreds of people, I got so nervous that I let go of the ball behind me instead of towards homeplate. The mascot had to retrieve it. FML
Anonymous
Burlington, Canada
More fiber
Today, after several years of effort in fixing my diet, I finally have consistent, reliable, solid shits, this coming after many decades of loose stools that caused my to clog my toilets regularly with too much toilet paper. Only now, my consistent, reliable, solid shits clog my toilets instead. FML
Jennifer
Australia
Breakout
Today, I had a job interview. The night before, I'd noticed a small pimple forming on my chin and did everything I could to make it go away. During the interview, I couldn’t focus on anything except the giant pimple that had sprouted on my forehead. I spent the entire time trying to keep my fringe in front of it. FML
Katie
United Kingdom
The gift that keeps on giving
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend, since we weren't getting along. When I got home, I remembered that today is his birthday. Him and all our friends now think I'm a total bitch. FML
Anonymous
Bad Brains
Today, I'm apparently on a "thinking ban." My wife and kids have banned me from starting any sentence with, “I think“ because it always leads to some sort of disaster, or accident, or expensive mistake, etc. So I'm no longer allowed to think because me thinking is dangerous for everybody. FML
Anonymous
United States
Step brothers
Today, my stepson hit my biological son with a belt. When I demanded to know why, it turned out that my son destroyed his (stepson's) laptop while raging over his stupid video game. My husband is completely mortified and I have no idea who to be more mad at. FML
Tired mommy
Tired and emotional
Tonight, my 7-year-old begged me for a bedtime story. Ten minutes in, I was the one nodding off while he was wide awake. I fell asleep mid-sentence because he gently shook me and said, “Mom, you snore like a Grandpa.” Then he asked if I could “try again but stay awake this time.” FML
FML Videos
Opportunities
...and just like that, the weekend was over.
Bossman Bill
Tampa, United States
Guess who?
Today, I walked into our office and everyone started laughing. It turns out that I'd been the only one not in on the joke to come in dressed as a character from our favorite TV show. However, I'd dressed in normal work clothes. I’m the boss. FML
Waste of money
Virginia Beach, United States
Fixation
Today, I took my kid to Busch Gardens. All he said was, "Can we use the claw machines?" He wouldn't ride rides, watch shows, eat, or participate in anything besides begging to play the damn claw machines. I paid for the full day and dragged him out screaming after three hours. FML
FML Videos
New York, United States
Hurry Up!
shit shit shit shit shit
Anonymous
Warren, United States
The fear
Today, I was going through my Facebook feed when I saw a post of a man being wheeled to the emergency room with a spider stuck in their ear. The post has me scared enough to want to sleep with earplugs. I'm a 37 year-old man. FML
Monica
Calgary, Canada
Clothes horse
Today, I walked into work with my freshly cleaned jacket that I wear in the office due to the AC. The jacket has Velcro on it and I didn't realize until I took it off that one of my bras was stuck to the Velcro. My hair is long so I hope no one noticed it, but I definitely greeted two people after walking in. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Send em
Today, like millions of others before me, I decided to start a YouTube channel. I was thorough, bought all the camera gear, decided on my content, came up with a gimmick, the works. The very first comment I got on my very first video was a request for nudes. FML
Anonymous
Melbourne, Australia
Where are you?
Today, after months of working on our relationship, my ex asked to borrow my car. After many hours and phone calls to see where he was, he still wasn't back. I decided to check my car's GPS and found him at my friend's house. He tried to deny that it was her house, when I've been there multiple times. FML
PaulineIsHere
United States
He's still a very good boy
Today, I spent all day baking dog-safe cookies for my pup's birthday. He sniffed them, turned around, and started begging for one of MY processed garbage cookies from a store instead. FML
Anonymous
Ballshot
Today, I shot my boyfriend in the balls by mistake, twice. First it was a paintball gun I was using with my nephew, then it was a slingshot I use to scare away the bird who keeps eating fish from my pond. He is now sat icing his groin acting like I did it on purpose. FML
Kris
Dunedin, New Zealand
Impressive
Today, I tried to blow my girlfriend's vegan parents minds by cooking them a tofu stir-fry. Being allergic to tofu but wanting to prove my cooking skills, I wore gloves and avoided touching my face. Somehow, I still managed to get it in my eye, causing an allergic reaction that made my face swell up like a balloon. Now her parents think I'm some sort of Martian. FML
Rachel
Sinking pirate ship
Today, I wanted to stream my favourite show illegally, but it turns out the website got shut down and anyone affiliated would face fines. It's a bit of a shame because I had one episode left in the last season. FML
Anonymous
Matawan, United States
Drunk on the job
Today, I was in a rush to get my lunch for work. I quickly opened my fridge to grab it, and accidentally knocked over a beer, spilling a little on my pants. I told myself I'd spray them in the car. I forgot, and when I got into work, someone sat down and commented that they smelled beer. The person was a student. FML