By Linda - 21/1/2021 17:02

Sweet!

Today, I learned a hard lesson: when you order 12 artificial sweeteners and 6 packets of raw sugar with your home-delivered Starbucks coffee so that you can have a small hoard to sweeten up the coffee you already have at home, they just may put all 18 items in the cup and stir it up to your apparent liking. FML

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TMI

The end of the road

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By tor - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

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By MadameM - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Lovely bundles of joy

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

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By - United States

Today, my cousin got hired after six days of job-hunting. I graduated from university six months ago and haven't even scored a single interview; he's a deadbeat junkie who just got out of prison after doing time for armed robbery. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By talker - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

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By kacysospacyy - United States

Today, I went on a run with the family dog. I returned home to three missed calls and a hysterical voicemail from my dad. Why? The dog was gone. Not me, his fifteen year old daughter, the dog. FML

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By uterus why

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By Hopelesslover - Malta

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

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By NotJessePinkmanFFS - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

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By "LovelySB"

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

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By whut - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Thanks, I guess

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

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By hatemyboss - United States - Alameda

Today, I asked my boss if I could have a bigger cubicle. I'm now working in one that is half the size of my old one. FML

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By pikachu_43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

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By wellalrightythen - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

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By scott - 10/6/2020 20:08

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

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By Itchy Missy - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

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By karmaquestionmark - United States - Silverton

Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Bairnsdale

Today, I faked my age to win a colouring competition. I just turned 19. FML

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By fuckingcool - United States - Ortonville

Today, my friend was complaining to me that she's gained 20 pounds and it's all gone to her butt and boobs. Meanwhile, I've also gained 20 pounds, and it's gone straight to my stomach. She looks better than she did before. FML

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By Snow-White - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

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By geewhiz - United Kingdom

Today, I'm 19, I'm at uni, I've never been kissed and the only person I have had a proper conversation with in the past week is my Mum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

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By hdgyfjdzdfg - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like his grandma's house. FML

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By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

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By steak through the heart - United States - El Monte

Today, I went on a date. I took her out to an expensive steak house. When she was done eating, she got up, said she was married, and told me she only accepted the date because I'd be paying for it. FML

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By mack - Canada

Today, I went to a 'haunted' theme park, actors had been trying to scare me the whole night. I was waiting by an outdoor heater for my friend when a hand came out of nowhere close to my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was only some chick wanting to warm her hands by the heater. FML

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By Adam

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

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By leovaldez - 22/6/2020 20:08

Call CPS!

Today, after years of having seasonal allergies and months of having my throat close up, my mom agreed to see a doctor, only to insult me in front of the doctor, saying I just find new ways to make their lives harder and I'm probably making it all up. FML

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By spaz - United States

Today, my dog started barking very aggressively. Thinking she'd started another gruesome fight with my older dog, I jumped up from the couch, spilling my coffee all over my laptop and dress, and knocked over a vase my grandmother gave me. She was barking at her own shadow. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By Noah

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of having sex, my boyfriend of two years got a call. After taking the call, he said, "It's an emergency," and that he has to go. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me is wife is going into labour. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to conquer my fear of blades, and tried shaving my legs with a razor. I sat on the side of my bathtub and wet my legs, but some of the water splashed. I slipped on it and fell back, hitting my head on the tile wall and slicing my leg open at the same time. FML

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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By cammy123 - United States

Today, I went to Target. I was on my way to the bathroom when I find a huge mirror. No one was around so I started to see how my butt looked in my jeans, checked up my nose and fixed my bra. An older woman then walks out of a door next to the mirror and explains that it's a two-way mirror. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7966155 - Thursday 21 January 2021 18:27

When you're paying $5 for 50 cents worth of coffee, trying to get sweetener packets worth 1 or 2 cents each, it's not clear who's doing the bilking.

"Stealing" sweeteners this way is hardly the perfect crime!

By sirrubberduckie | 35

#7966263 - Friday 22 January 2021 6:01

If you can afford to get Starbucks delivered, you can afford sugar. It's like $2 for 4 lbs. Come on now.

COMMENTS

By Bogrbon | 22

#7966137 - Thursday 21 January 2021 17:04

That's what you get for trying to bilk a company out of extra peripherals. I assume they include them for your cup of coffee that you're paying them for and generally don't want to pay to subsidize your home coffee...

By RichardPencil | 29

#7966155 - Thursday 21 January 2021 18:27

When you're paying $5 for 50 cents worth of coffee, trying to get sweetener packets worth 1 or 2 cents each, it's not clear who's doing the bilking.

"Stealing" sweeteners this way is hardly the perfect crime!

By fettslaab | 16

#7966190 - Thursday 21 January 2021 20:34

Problems, problems.

By bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#7966240 - Friday 22 January 2021 0:50

Have you never been to a Starbucks before? When you order sweeteners, they always put them into the drink. If you want to add your own, you do so at the cream/sugar stand.

By sirrubberduckie | 35

#7966263 - Friday 22 January 2021 6:01

If you can afford to get Starbucks delivered, you can afford sugar. It's like $2 for 4 lbs. Come on now.

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7966369 - Friday 22 January 2021 14:21

Like, go to the store

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7966522 - Saturday 23 January 2021 3:32

Killer coffee! And I don't mean that in the good sense.

Also, Killer Coffee would suck as a rock band name.

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7966567 - Saturday 23 January 2021 10:27

They're onto you - hope you didn't drink it.