Hurry Up!

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

Family values

Whatthefuckaburger

Goodbye Bill

By blah. - Thailand

45849

3828

Today, after getting off work from a horrible 16 hour shift, I went out to my truck. My windows were completely covered in window chalk, to the point that I couldn't leave. I had to spend the next hour and a half washing it all off while my manager laughed about it. FML

By chicoallen - United States

27879

2204

Today, I found out that my company used a nice photo of my coworkers and me for their corporate website, in efforts to make their office seem fun and relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't just fired every single person in the photo, myself included. FML

By Welp - Romania

14203

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1090

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

By Brock - New Zealand - Auckland

26408

38872

Today, I went to the mall. While shopping in a store, a woman bumped into me numerous times. Getting annoyed, I turned to her and loudly exclaimed, "Are you blind?!" Turns out she was. FML

By Not So Smart - Canada

12542

47900

Today, my boyfriend referred to his penis as 'The Eye of Sauron'. It didn't help when he pulled down his foreskin, pointed it in my direction and said 'I see you'. FML

By anon - United Kingdom

37385

5564

Today, I was knocked unconscious by the 10 year-old I was babysitting because it was his younger sister's bedtime and he didn't want her to go. When I came to, their mother was screaming at me for sleeping on the job. In the middle of the kitchen floor. I lost a job and gained a killer headache. FML

By kids shouldnt have hard sports equipment - Australia - Woodville

23065

1608

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 08:00

Evil will always win

1953

173

Today, my 19-year-old brother subjected me to yet another rant about how the writers of My Little Pony aren't writing the show for people like him any more, the "true fans", otherwise known as pimply-faced adults who don't use deodorant and only shower once a week. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Ely

40376

4498

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

48282

4195

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

By wideawakeandinpain - United States

31943

3108

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

49535

9493

Today, I had to clean up after the kid that discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

36157

3154

Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

By WhatALoserAmI - India - Bhopal

14596

851

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

By Obee - Canada

77143

27427

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some lean pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

By Anonymous - United States

24149

40803

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

By Nalya - France

35847

2060

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Bellingham

13640

1166

Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML

By ewmomew - Canada

27553

9281

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

By toriforever - United States

51528

4344

Today, I am pregnant, sober, designated driver, and puke cleaner. Yay for the New Year! FML

By Anonymous - United States

29663

7378

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Chilly

30318

2615

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

By Z3R0G5 - United States - Indianapolis

54081

19193

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

By life sucks - United States

46670

5066

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

By Anonymous - United States

8901

25020

Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML

By Andrew - United States - Monroe

12894

46372

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

By JustWashedTheseJeans

11099

1876

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

By 352 - United States

24229

4163

Today, I was beating the hell out of one of the most useless employees ever. I mean really laying into him, all while telling him for the umpteenth time how to do his job right. Then my husband informed me I was hitting him in my sleep. FML

By management - United States

39037

7329

Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

By Nickolas Neffster - United States

33979

3088

Today, I watched a YouTube video at work because I was bored. I forgot I was on a conference call and my computer's desktop was shared with 15 other people. No one said anything till it ended. FML

By anonymous

9387

44220

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

39945

17710

Today, I got a reply to my Valentine's Day card that I sent to my girlfriend. I'll get the address right next time because her neighbor is really creeping me out now. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

11027

23602

Today, my husband deleted the Messenger app, because he doesn't use it a lot, and people can text him. That's fine, but he didn't tell any of his contacts that. All his friends think he's blocked them. He's now pouting, because no one's texting him. He's not on Facebook, so no-one sees him there either. FML

By NoFriends - 6/10/2020 16:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Social media was a mistake

898

149

Today, I told my cousin I was admitted to a top MBA program. He asked if it was an online-only certificate program. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 20:00

Underestimated overachiever

1179

176

Today, I seriously considered writing in SCP-106 for president. I hate both candidates so much, I would willingly take President Radical Larry. FML

By Avnirvana - 7/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Fair analysis

363

701

Today, the girl I've been hitting on for months on MSN and that I'm about to meet told me "I know you are in love, and you know I'm not". Erm, no, I didn't know. FML

By Titanic - France

24895

5104

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

By ABBenzin - United States

41312

3765

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

By 12incher - United States

83417

42587

Today, I received our gas bill for about £200. My flatmate felt that this was extortionate and therefore phoned up our gas company and angrily told them to recalculate the bill. They did. We now owe £300. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

28417

5043