Hurry Up!

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

Proactive

You snooze, you lose

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 8/7/2016 22:09

12691

828

Today, my phone cut out during a call for a job interview. I tried calling them back, but there was no answer. Later, I got an email from the interviewer, saying I was no longer being considered for the position due to my being "rude and unprofessional." FML

By Kanata - 31/8/2019 02:05

1729

132

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

By Erasmus - 27/10/2008 03:27 - France

14775

58008

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

By Omydayz - 29/3/2016 23:03 - United States - Fremont

19495

1889

Today, I got a yeast infection, caused by the antibiotics for my UTI. I got the UTI after having sex for the first time in a year. A couple of minutes of sex have ruined my health. FML

By so much for romance - 11/1/2015 03:21 - United States - Queensbury

31590

4664

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2011 21:53 - Ireland

17899

28671

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 00:29 - United States

14947

27929

Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML

By anonymous - 29/3/2016 22:50 - United Kingdom - Oxford

19005

1557

Today, I was cleaning up after my mom visited with her dogs. She'd left a little pill-jar on the kitchen counter. Had she forgotten her medicine? It made a weird, soft sound when I shaked it. I opened the lid to shake some pills into my hand, only it wasn't pills. It was two fat ticks. FML

By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 17:01 - Germany

Packaging

1298

187

Today, I refused to ride with a friend on a motorcycle because it is unsafe and went to take the bus. As I got off the bus, I got hit by a speeding motorcycle and ended up in hospital. FML

By leilei - 30/11/2010 00:25 - Philippines

34312

5724

Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML

By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 19:52 - United States

70178

8313

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because of a tattoo I have. It's a small teddy bear on my leg with my parents' names on it. My workplace has no problems with tattoos, but my boss said it was "unoriginal and lame." It's a memorial tattoo; my parents died last year. FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:54 - Finland - Vanda

54811

3464

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 01:14 - United States - Pearland

51856

8316

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

By faza4327 - 6/4/2011 07:43 - Australia

41360

3525

Today, my friend with benefits that I was starting to like forgot my name in front of his friends when they asked who I was. We've known each other for at least a year. I think this means I'm just a benefit. FML

By Sam Stuhlinger - 3/1/2019 20:00 - United States - Denver

2377

787

Today, I was watching my cousin shoot at targets on hay bales with his plastic pellet BB gun. After my sister asked him if it would hurt to be shot with one, my cousin smiled at her and said, "Ask your sister" as he shot me in the leg. I think my screaming was obvious enough. It hurts. FML

By ThanksChris - 16/10/2011 07:06 - United States

31778

3295

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

By blasted - 25/11/2009 13:56 - United States

44136

3842

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

By RC3Welly - 9/3/2009 22:58 - United States

634783

793726

Today, when I tried to give blood, I was turned down before I even made it through the information packet. Why? Because I had thought I was supposed to fast for 24 hours beforehand. FML

By needlessly hungry - 10/3/2019 20:00

912

3324

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

By cduran2011 - 14/10/2011 15:23 - United States

38442

12282

Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 05:59 - United States

23362

6017

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

By Anonymous - 15/8/2011 17:05 - United States

46759

5234

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

By Jim - 25/1/2011 08:27

28303

4275

Today, my neighbor's dog decided to knock over our trash cans, which were full of my bathroom trash. I had to pick up tampon and maxi pad wrappers from all over the neighborhood. FML

By A - 23/5/2015 03:25 - United States - Warner Robins

28321

2538

Today, I wondered why the cashiers at my local chip shop were being so unusually friendly and knocked money off my bill. Then when I got back to my boyfriend's house, I noticed my bright red bra shining through my black top like a light. I debuted my tits for some chips. FML

By Rachael - 24/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Northampton

1298

468

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. Being dumped wasn't the reaction I was expecting. FML

By Anonymous - 19/11/2018 17:30

2748

177

Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

By Lovergirl - 1/1/2010 20:23 - United States

31530

3891

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

By Jmdezy - 5/4/2016 15:45 - United States

10746

24037

Today, I woke up from putting my child to bed. Drowsy, I stumbled down to the kitchen to make a mug cookie. I read a recipe on my phone, and put a knob of butter in a cup to melt in the microwave. I put my phone in the microwave and turned it on for 30 seconds, and didn't realize until I smelt burning plastic.. FML

By Anonymous - 25/1/2020 01:00 - Sweden - ?ngelholm

One night

1721

819

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

By maddie - 6/11/2013 05:06 - United States - Austin

60234

7507

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

By fish killer - 25/3/2011 21:52 - United States

27669

9996

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 11:44 - Australia - Sydney

21711

2216

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was the first time in four months since our baby was born, that I could really enjoy it. After we finished up we walked into the livingroom, where my white faced brother was sitting. He said we left the baby monitor on. FML

By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 16:26 - Canada

15647

37124

Today, I was sitting at my desk when out of nowhere I had a "silent sneeze attack". Someone in the office called the paramedics because they thought I was having a seizure. This is the third time this has happened this week. FML

By fucktheearth - 20/4/2016 03:32 - United States - Brooklyn

21356

1992

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

By SadIndianLife - 15/11/2015 21:00 - India - Delhi

23356

2229

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

By SugarCoat - 8/6/2017 18:00

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

3637

554

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2015 20:24 - United States - Baton Rouge

28796

5480

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

By hardee fucking har yourself, sir - 7/8/2013 22:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

50470

4037

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

By Zero_TAlent_ - 29/3/2016 20:27 - United States - Gettysburg

18272

1593

Today, I went to my dad and new stepmom's house for the week. Upon arrival, I was handed mouthwash, deodorant, and lice shampoo. The guest bed I was told I'd be sleeping in was fitted with a plastic mattress cover. I don't have lice and I don't wet the bed. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 22:06 - United States

30971

2844