Today, I gathered the courage to sing karaoke after saying no for years. The lyrics screen froze halfway through the song, and everyone expected me to keep going from memory since I picked it. It turns out I only knew the chorus. I hummed for an entire verse as bemused strangers politely clapped along. FML
Today, I ordered in a kebab and decided to play Billy Ocean on full blast as I waited. The delivery driver reached the lobby, and as I run down, I left my keys behind. So here I am, eating a kebab, outside my house, whilst "Love Really Hurts Without You" plays on the other end of the door. The person with the keys comes in an hour. FML
Today, I went to play a game with a friend. Turns out he's the sort of dude who, when he first installs a game, gets obsessive with making sure the settings are EXACTLY right. We got maybe five minutes of gameplay in between menu sliders, hardware tweaks, and unofficial drivers and patches. FML
Today, another typical interaction with my ex-wife, which is always fun. Her: "Thank you for the e-transfer. When do you get back today?" Me: "Drop the kids off after 4." Ex-wife: "Sure. You could treat me with decency instead of acting like a controlling dictator." Eight more years of nonsense. I sure can pick 'em. FML
Today, I found my long-term partner has been liking an OnlyFans account's tweets. I'd be upset, but I think we're still together because neither of us wants to admit defeat. FML
Today, I was walking my dog when I tripped on the leash, dropping his treat bag. He snatched one, looked at me, and ran full speed in the opposite direction. I had to chase him for three blocks, yelling his name. He thought it was a new game. FML
Today, I spent some time talking to a girl I'm interested in. All signs point to a "no" if I asked her out, but the repeated shifts between chatting like we're the only people on Earth, to feeling like she doesn't know I exist when I randomly experience radio silence, is an emotional rollercoaster I'd like to end. FML
Today, I angrily scolded one of my employees for making an avoidable mistake for the third time. Unfortunately, my mother decided to pay me a surprise visit, and arrived mid-rant. She chewed me out for being mean and made me apologize. Now everyone at work calls me "mama's boy" and nobody takes me seriously. FML
Today, it’s my birthday. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in June and was not planning on having another kid. Took a Plan B pill after a rendezvous in August, but found out this AM that I’m pregnant. Guess the Plan B didn’t work. FML
Today, I tried to comb my hair after waking up. I not only broke the comb but also pulled a muscle in my arm. I do not go to bed with wet hair. FML
Today, I have horrible heartburn (as opposed to wonderful) so I went to pick my fresh Aloe vera for treatment… and saw it was all chewed up by wildlife, who apparently also have heartburn. FML
Today, I already felt like shit for no reason, only to find out my boyfriend been drinking again, even though he knows it worries me. He lives two hours away and I don't have a car. Apparently he's had two bottles of vodka, and he started getting nasty over the phone with me. FML
Today, I tried to be nice and held a door open for someone. I didn’t realize they were actually far away, so I ended up awkwardly standing there for 30 seconds while they power-walked towards me. FML
Today, I tried a new workout class as part of my New Year's resolution to get fit. The instructor said, “Don’t worry, we’ll start easy.” Twenty minutes in, I was flat on the floor while everyone else continued effortlessly. When the instructor asked if I was OK, I gave a thumbs-up, but I haven’t been able to sit down since. FML
Today, when I got to a family reunion, I realized I've been on the internet for so long that I've forgotten how to have an actual conversation with real people. Now I'm the "Weird Uncle." FML
Today, in a restaurant, staff asked me to fix my skirt because multiple customers complained my buttcrack was putting them off their food. I thought the waiter was using fake complaints to justify his rudeness, but when I got up to fix it fully, half the restaurant applauded me. FML
It's ok, they've got 9 lives.
Today, after years of problems with my chest, spine, and gut, my doctor asked if I always suck my stomach in trying to look thinner. As he said it, I realised I do it all the time. Apparently I’ve been doing it for so long, I’ve given myself Hourglass Syndrome. It’s a real thing; look it up. FML
Today, I have been trying to keep up on chores. I washed all of the blankets in the house, then had to pick up my son from school. I couldn't find my phone before leaving though. When we returned, we found out where it was. The washer. It's not coming back from this. FML
Today, I bought a cutting board at a Dollar Store that had a helpful kitchen guide printed on it. It was supposed to list “liquid conversions” but instead said “liquid conversations.” My husband quipped that it reminded him of me in college. I'm a recovering alcoholic. FML
Today, I finally got insurance after months of paperwork, and so I went to the doctor. I was billed $873 for a "consultation" that pretty much consisted of being weighed and told to "Google it." FML
Today, it was my first day. HR handed me a badge with my photo and… someone else’s name printed in big letters. I spent the whole morning being introduced as “Greg” to people who said, “Nice to meet you Greg.” By lunch I’d corrected maybe 3 people and reinforced everyone else’s assumption that my real name was Greg. FML
Today, I started out as a serious artist, I even got some of my work displayed in galleries. Now I live in my mom’s attic and I manage to pay her some rent by drawing furry porn for online perverts. I’ve drawn so many hair-covered buttholes I don’t even get upset anymore. FML
Today, I live in my own house, but on my mom’s property. Whether I look outside towards the south, west, or east, I always look upon some ugly crap my mom has lying around. Except the north. On that side, it’s the neighbors’ crap. FML
Today, as I was going to check the mail, a huge dog ran into my house. The closest room with a door was the bathroom so I slammed myself inside and screamed for help. We live far from any neighbors and my phone was outside, so there was no hope of rescue. It paced outside the door for four hours. FML
Today, I was driving when a couple flipped the bird on me before cutting me off, so I flipped them off back. After they'd got away, another driver thought I'd actually been flipping him off and followed me into a parking lot. This guy was huge, and let’s just say he didn’t give me a chance to explain myself. FML
Today, I started my week-long girlscation with two of my childhood friends. So far, one hasn't stopped burping, farting, or talking about "needing dick", and the other can't stop trying to one up everyone else in the car. Day one out of five. Sigh. FML
Today, I made the coolest platonic friend who I really liked. She liked me too, until I accidentally found her setting up an OnlyFans and, in a fit of feeling very weird about it, confronted her. Now she won't talk to me at all and has blocked me on every single online platform you could imagine. FML
I'm not really a unicorn! Gasp!
Today, I introduced my two crazy friends who are both into QAnon to each other. It went so poorly that now they fight online over who has better facts, and they both complain to me about the other. FML
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