Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2015 10:05 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

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Night terrors

Mixed signals

Capitalism kills

By easyontheeyes1 - 1/5/2020 02:00

Romantic afterglow

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Immediately after we'd finished, he said, "Get off, you're making it hard to breathe on top of me." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2015 19:13 - United States - Summerfield

Today, my friend got pulled over. The cops searched the car and found a bong among the stuff we were moving to her new house. When they confronted her with it, she told them it must be mine and that she'd never seen it before. FML

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By confused - 12/6/2020 02:06

Can't win

Today, I was told by my wife that she was moving in with her mother, because I was causing her to have panic attacks. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she needs a few months to herself. I have given her her way for most of our marriage. FML

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By pinecones - 2/2/2015 14:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML

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By yeueid - 31/3/2016 22:24 - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 05:07 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

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By Ella - 21/1/2009 17:56 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and didn't realize my skirt was tucked in my ugliest underwear until I reached the elevator. Thanks for not telling me girl-in-the-yellow-shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2015 16:29 - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2015 13:34

Today, I was reading comments on an FML, and saw some made from my girlfriend's account. Now I know she's one of those people who say "Dump him!" even when the situation clearly doesn't warrant dumping. Looks like I might be in for a sudden breakup in the future. FML

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By ring-a-ding-ding - 6/12/2014 05:18 - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

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By Nick - 29/6/2012 21:39 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML

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By KittyKat168 - 9/9/2016 09:34 - Germany

Today, I managed to spill Superglue on the one place you absolutely shouldn't spill Superglue. FML

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By Deweyboy - 10/10/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By screw_this27 - 1/7/2019 12:00

Today, I received a book about sailboats. I'd ordered a book about makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 12:53 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML

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By PositiveElectron - 27/8/2015 19:52 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2018 22:00

Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2017 15:00

Today, while driving to work, an idiot pulled out of a junction without looking and wiped me out. I'm now in hospital with two broken legs, looking at employment pages because I didn't give work "enough notice" about my absence. FML

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By Ewwwwno - 19/9/2017 11:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML

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By wotwzombie - 11/3/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By condiments - 22/2/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I went shopping with my mother, when someone snuck a pack of condoms into our cart while our backs were turned. When we got to the register, my mom, whose wealth makes me ineligible for financial aid, noticed the condoms and she announced that she wasn't paying for the college I got accepted to next year because she doesn't want a promiscuous daughter. FML

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By anonymous - 20/9/2016 22:49 - United States - Avon

Today, I tried to jokingly hold the door shut so my friend, who I'd seen walking down the hall to our class, couldn't get in. It was funny, until my new teacher yelled "Open the damn door!" from the other side. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 22:00

Today, as I was at Starbucks writing a paper, a man came and sat next to me. He started staring at me, then I noticed his hands were down his pants. It was noticeable that he was masturbating, so I went to tell a worker. They just said, "He's a regular" and didn't do anything about it. FML

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By cassidy_smith12 - 24/8/2013 14:55 - United States - Medina

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

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By FUCK - 22/7/2013 18:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

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By Tom - 25/11/2010 13:28

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

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By Why Charlie!? WHY!? - 9/8/2018 13:00

Today, I woke up seeing my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for 2 weeks. My annual 2 weeks vacation starts today too. FML

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By betrayed - 19/7/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

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By potassiumgirl - 11/4/2012 19:53 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

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By Ew-dles - 9/9/2017 20:00

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

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By sickness and health my sphincter - 22/3/2013 21:53 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my 2-year-old daughter and my 27-year-old husband both woke me up in the early hours of the morning. Their complaints were the same: they'd both wet the bed. FML

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By THOMASisMYname - 6/7/2011 17:06 - Canada

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

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By DocShadow - 3/12/2013 17:33 - United States - New York

Today, my 4-year-old daughter stood up to a bully in the mall. I was the one who was getting bullied. FML

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By justhelpful - 2/7/2012 17:44 - Austria - Mils

Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML

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By ReComatosed242 - 9/3/2016 00:29 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 05:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had to go into the school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By isuckatlyfe - 20/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was excited to see my ex-girlfriend. We had broken up while I was in Iraq and I wanted to try to get her back. I spent my first day back looking for a place to live while her and her new boyfriend got it on as I slept. I had chosen that apartment for us and paid for that bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, my girl and I were in bed trying to nap before class. She kept tossing and turning, obvious signs that she was having no luck. Sweetly, I ask her if there was anything I could do to help her relax. She says "you can tell me a story about your day, that always puts me to sleep". FML

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By mn167109 - 9/12/2014 05:45 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I asked my dad why we didn't have any baby pictures. His response was, "They got lost in the flood of '93." I was born in '95. FML

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Top comments

By MrsHaxxo | 22

#6274458 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

At least he is trying to protect his family.

By Hoopachi | 19

#6274459 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!

Comments

By feven | 32

#6274453 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:24

Oh god. I hope you're okay

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#6274517 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:44

He really knows how to lay down a beat. Maybe he should become a DJ.

Reply

derpina72 | 23

#6275291 - Monday 27 April 2015 19:45

Sorry OP...On the bright side...if it really had been a burglar, you know your dad can defend you!

By MrsHaxxo | 22

#6274458 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

At least he is trying to protect his family.

Reply

TheBelt | 19

#6274492 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:33

He was having a snack attack.

Reply

feven | 32

#6274523 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:48

His family or the T.V.? Lol.

Reply

MrsHaxxo | 22

#6274593 - Monday 27 April 2015 2:19

maybe both :p

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6274597 - Monday 27 April 2015 2:25

Maybe he considers his TV family.

Reply

gerrags | 16

#6274671 - Monday 27 April 2015 4:22

Be glad it wasn't me, I have a machete next to my bed.

Reply

theTravinator | 21

#6274705 - Monday 27 April 2015 5:02

#29 Maybe he really likes the abc family channel?

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6274769 - Monday 27 April 2015 6:28

#29 - I think a lot of people do. TV isn't the best parent, friend, and babysitter, but it's by far the best mix of the three.

Reply

ThatHorse | 15

#6274928 - Monday 27 April 2015 9:05

There's a reason the police are required by law to announce their presence before opening fire on anyone, even if they *know* beyond any doubt the person they're aiming at is the guy they want.
Shit like this is the reason.

By Hoopachi | 19

#6274459 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#6274509 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:39

The mom tasered then both, not because she thought it was a burglar, but for the snacks.

Reply

Emzinatorbot | 26

#6275284 - Monday 27 April 2015 19:37

#18 I am disappointed that you did not say "for shits and giggles"

By uglyheadedbitch | 20

#6274460 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

Shit nigger

By chefnoel22 | 11

#6274462 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:26

Hahaha well maybe next time have a light on?

Reply

ItsDutch | 16

#6274602 - Monday 27 April 2015 2:34

Doesn't that defeat the purpose of sneaking?

Reply

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6274949 - Monday 27 April 2015 9:39

Well he obviously was trying not to disturb anyone, hence the headphones, so why would he turn on a light?

Reply

shinxanta | 21

#6346826 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:13

You're not a bright one, are you?

By fantasyworld | 37

#6274463 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:26

Hope you're ok.

By CARCA55 | 12

#6274465 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:26

Or at least that's what he claims to have thought

By meggieeeee92 | 27

#6274466 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

By you having to sneak downstairs, does this mean you were going to watch something naughty?

Anyway, I hope everything is okay.

Reply

Hoopachi | 19

#6274479 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:29

Or it could mean she was just being consderate and not trying to wake up the entire house…

Reply

VeganDarkLight | 31

#6274556 - Monday 27 April 2015 1:32

Or he isn't allowed to watch TV at night.

Reply

lyricalservant | 21

#6274762 - Monday 27 April 2015 6:15

#8 strange question. You must have done that before, huh?

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6275029 - Monday 27 April 2015 13:19

What, you haven't, 46?

By Codezlol | 21

#6274467 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

Now that's what I call a snack-attack!!

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6274468 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

why would you have to be so sneaky to watch a movie?

Reply

Merylwen | 24

#6274481 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:30

Because teenagers are not usually allowed to watch a movie in the middle of the night before a school day. AKA parenting.

Or OP was just trying to be quiet to avoid waking up anyone.

Reply

LordMuffin11 | 15

#6274753 - Monday 27 April 2015 5:55

I've had insomnia most of my life and my mom has always been a really light sleeper. When I had a bad night of sleep, I would have to sneak downstairs just to be nice to my mom. Maybe it's the same sort of situation for the op.