Health: Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment... - FML

By Anonymous - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

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Late term

Sensitive

Fancy a pint?

By Ari

Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 02:02

Who you gonna call?

Today, I couldn't enter my workplace because I haven't gotten the new keycard yet. I ended up having to wait outside for close to an hour. FML

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By M95 - Norway

Today, I'm a 15 year old boy who is bald. Why am I bald? My little brother thought it would be funny to put glue in my hair gel. FML

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By Elcam - Belgium

Today, I replaced a usually fun collegue's picture of his kids with a picture of my face against glass, so it looked I was inside the screen. Everyone laughed, but he reported me because I tried to "erase his children" and "if anything happens to them" it's now my fault. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I opened my Christmas presents with my husband. One of the things he got me was a ball gag. "Yeah," he said with a grin, "That one's more for me but I didn't wanna buy myself headphones." Cue our son asking me what it was. FML

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By Eloise

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Chicago

Today, I got my daughter's school pictures. Instead of smiling, she did the duck face. She's 6. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at a family get together with distant relatives. My grandma made a point to say how all of the grandkids brought their boyfriends or girlfriends. She looks at me, then turns to everyone and says "But not our Becky! She is more interested in her cats right now than finding a man." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the fifth time this month, I had to explain to a group of people that yes, my name really is Donald Trump. Like all the other groups, they burst out laughing and did some Trump impressions for 15 minutes. FML

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By Eliza - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

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By Crispy cripple

Today, my dorm's fire alarm went off. In the rush to escape, I slipped and fell off my bunk bed, breaking my ankle in two places. Crying, I told my roommates I needed help to walk. They shrugged and left after mentioning that I would slow them down. FML

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By

I'm in a hurry

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

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By fsdjhgasjlhg - Australia - Cairns

Today, I found a topless photo of my mother on my phone. Thanks, iCloud. FML

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By manderz? - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By Funless - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jefferson

Today, I found out what it's like to drive seven hours home with a woman who just brutally rejected your marriage proposal. FML

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By T-Guy - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to spice up our sex life, so we went and had sex in the park. We had 30 minutes of "spice", just to spend seven hours in jail. FML

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By BenjiFurImmer

Today, I found out that when my uncle died, he left me and the rest of my family £2000 each. Only my parents kept and spent my share on themselves. FML

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By stupid useless criminal

Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2020 08:05

Daily grind

Today, over half of my coworkers have called out for various reasons and my manager is on her third week of vacation. My coworkers keep calling out. I'm the only closer. I just want a day off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By rimjob - United States

Today, my dog barked for 30 minutes with me yelling for him to shut up. Guess that's how long it takes someone to steal the rims from my truck. Good dog. FML

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By Spanishredhead - United States

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

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By presidont - Switzerland

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

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By hoho5191 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

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By Busty

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

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By kclopez

Today, while going through customs at the airport, my bag was selected for screening. It was nearly overflowing because it was so full, so before the TSA agent searched it, I said, "Watch out - it's going to explode when you open it". Wrong choice of words. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my cat vomited violently. I can smell it but I can't find it. FML

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By workaholic

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By shadowfigure - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

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By Lyn - United States

Today, I'm supposed to start my new job as a Crime Scene Tech. Instead, I managed to electrocute myself with my hairdryer. I'll now have to attempt to explain to them that I really am qualified to safely operate an electrostatic lifting device, and other expensive equipment. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Barrie

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

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By unwanted - Australia

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

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By cheesy grin

Today, my front tooth randomly fell out in the middle of class. I brush regularly and visit the dentist, the tooth was perfectly healthy looking, and it didn’t hurt beforehand or bleed. It literally just fell out for no reason. Now I have a gap grin and I don’t know why. FML

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By sad - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Purr Evil

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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Top comments

By MrsHaxxo | 22

#6274458 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

At least he is trying to protect his family.

By Hoopachi | 19

#6274459 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!

COMMENTS

By feven | 32

#6274453 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:24

Oh god. I hope you're okay

Reply

friedpwnadge | 25

#6274517 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:44

He really knows how to lay down a beat. Maybe he should become a DJ.

Reply

derpina72 | 23

#6275291 - Monday 27 April 2015 19:45

Sorry OP...On the bright side...if it really had been a burglar, you know your dad can defend you!

By MrsHaxxo | 22

#6274458 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

At least he is trying to protect his family.

Reply

TheBelt | 19

#6274492 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:33

He was having a snack attack.

Reply

feven | 32

#6274523 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:48

His family or the T.V.? Lol.

Reply

MrsHaxxo | 22

#6274593 - Monday 27 April 2015 2:19

maybe both :p

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6274597 - Monday 27 April 2015 2:25

Maybe he considers his TV family.

Reply

gerrags | 16

#6274671 - Monday 27 April 2015 4:22

Be glad it wasn't me, I have a machete next to my bed.

Reply

theTravinator | 21

#6274705 - Monday 27 April 2015 5:02

#29 Maybe he really likes the abc family channel?

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6274769 - Monday 27 April 2015 6:28

#29 - I think a lot of people do. TV isn't the best parent, friend, and babysitter, but it's by far the best mix of the three.

Reply

ThatHorse | 15

#6274928 - Monday 27 April 2015 9:05

There's a reason the police are required by law to announce their presence before opening fire on anyone, even if they *know* beyond any doubt the person they're aiming at is the guy they want.
Shit like this is the reason.

By Hoopachi | 19

#6274459 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!

Reply

PenguinBitch | 43

#6274509 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:39

The mom tasered then both, not because she thought it was a burglar, but for the snacks.

Reply

Emzinatorbot | 26

#6275284 - Monday 27 April 2015 19:37

#18 I am disappointed that you did not say "for shits and giggles"

By uglyheadedbitch | 20

#6274460 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:25

Shit nigger

By chefnoel22 | 11

#6274462 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:26

Hahaha well maybe next time have a light on?

Reply

ItsDutch | 16

#6274602 - Monday 27 April 2015 2:34

Doesn't that defeat the purpose of sneaking?

Reply

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6274949 - Monday 27 April 2015 9:39

Well he obviously was trying not to disturb anyone, hence the headphones, so why would he turn on a light?

Reply

shinxanta | 21

#6346826 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:13

You're not a bright one, are you?

By fantasyworld | 37

#6274463 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:26

Hope you're ok.

By CARCA55 | 12

#6274465 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:26

Or at least that's what he claims to have thought

By meggieeeee92 | 27

#6274466 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

By you having to sneak downstairs, does this mean you were going to watch something naughty?

Anyway, I hope everything is okay.

Reply

Hoopachi | 19

#6274479 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:29

Or it could mean she was just being consderate and not trying to wake up the entire house…

Reply

VeganDarkLight | 31

#6274556 - Monday 27 April 2015 1:32

Or he isn't allowed to watch TV at night.

Reply

lyricalservant | 21

#6274762 - Monday 27 April 2015 6:15

#8 strange question. You must have done that before, huh?

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6275029 - Monday 27 April 2015 13:19

What, you haven't, 46?

By Codezlol | 21

#6274467 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

Now that's what I call a snack-attack!!

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6274468 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:27

why would you have to be so sneaky to watch a movie?

Reply

Merylwen | 24

#6274481 - Monday 27 April 2015 0:30

Because teenagers are not usually allowed to watch a movie in the middle of the night before a school day. AKA parenting.

Or OP was just trying to be quiet to avoid waking up anyone.

Reply

LordMuffin11 | 15

#6274753 - Monday 27 April 2015 5:55

I've had insomnia most of my life and my mom has always been a really light sleeper. When I had a bad night of sleep, I would have to sneak downstairs just to be nice to my mom. Maybe it's the same sort of situation for the op.