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Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

by sm@rtie / 01/03/2009 at 3:38am / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

by Byron fiddles / 02/24/2009 at 6:57am / Hungary (Budapest) / Intimacy

Today, I added "a road sign" to my ever-growing list of 'Things which have hit my car as a result of the wind.' FML

by it'sabitwindy / 12/09/2011 at 1:05am / United States / Transportation

Today, despite my pleading, my boyfriend mounted a set of bullhorns above our headboard. Guess what came crashing down on our heads at 2am. FML

by Anonymous / 11/07/2012 at 10:44am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got into a fight with my girlfriend. After yelling and arguing my point, my cat got up and jumped up next to her on the bed. He sat down, and they both glared at me until I left. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 2:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2015 at 9:20am / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

by Anonymous / 11/27/2015 at 10:52am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

by 3peeps / 12/30/2011 at 2:13am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

by Anonymous / 02/10/2011 at 3:06pm / United States / Work

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

by sunny_ca559 / 03/02/2010 at 8:03pm / United States / Health

Today, I was applying some acne ointment. The directions said, "Apply a thin layer, covering the entire affected area." In other words, for me: My entire face. Lovely. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2010 at 12:04am / United States (Nebraska) / Health

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

by kaileekat517 / 11/21/2010 at 1:36pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

by DietWater / 08/07/2015 at 6:13pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous