Catfishing Fail

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

You can't win sometimes

Time don't heal nothing

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By tumbleshay - 21/3/2015 01:32 - United States - Veneta

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Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 14:59 - Australia

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Today, one of my co-workers invited me to a cookout at her house with some other people from my new job. She said to wear my suit. Assuming she had a pool, I showed up in a bikini, only to find everyone else wearing business attire and staring at me like I had lost my mind. FML

By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 02:36 - United States

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Today, I was tinting my own eyelashes when I missed my eyelashes and stabbed myself in the eye with the applicator loaded with dye. Now, I have beautiful lush black eyelashes, to match my half closed swollen red left eye. Sexy. FML

By Bunni - 22/10/2009 22:22 - Australia

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Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

By cedechan - 29/9/2012 04:08 - United States - Tucson

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Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

By ohdearyme - 9/1/2015 12:06 - United Kingdom - Guildford

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Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

By A-64 - 8/5/2012 20:48 - Belgium - Brussels

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Today, our cleaning lady's son came to our house claiming that his mother had died of a heart attack. We gave him her entire month's salary as well as some extra money. A few hours later, our cleaning lady turned up for work. Turns out she doesn't have a son. FML

By duped - 15/8/2011 05:45 - Pakistan

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Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

By cbrocks - 16/10/2009 18:22 - United States

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Today, after being single for a year, I finally have a boyfriend. Today, my chronic nightmares also started up again after being gone for a year. Apparently I'm allowed to have either a love life, or sleep. Not both. FML

By cacheson - 19/8/2017 20:00

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Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

By - 30/12/2009 11:16 - France

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Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

By Itchy Missy - 10/9/2014 03:38 - United States - Denver

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Today, I was in the shower getting ready for a date, when my older sister thought it would be a laugh to turn out the light. Getting out of the shower to turn it back on, I slipped and hit on my head on the counter. Thanks, sis. FML

By Anonymous - 14/2/2010 19:06 - United Kingdom

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Today, I had phone sex with my boyfriend. He had an asthma attack. FML

By JRLJLS - 15/4/2013 09:09 - United States - Lehigh Acres

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Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2011 07:29 - United States

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Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

By crier - 27/8/2013 18:34 - United States - Norfolk

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Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

By hmb - 16/9/2010 18:50 - United States

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Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

By unwanted daughter - 2/7/2014 15:54 - Canada - Oliver

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Today, I was helping a couple come up with a name for the baby they just had. I suggested "Joshua" thinking that it was an okay name. All sudden, the room got quiet. Turns out I had forgotten that Joshua was the name of their 3 year old son who had died a couple months before. FML

By 8reth72 - 11/6/2009 14:17 - United States

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Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

By some explaining to do - 25/12/2016 08:34 - United States - Los Angeles

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Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

By z - 5/11/2009 17:20 - United States

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Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

By Paul - 2/5/2013 01:52 - United States

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Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

By anon - 31/7/2010 17:04 - Canada

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Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

By Anonymous - 5/11/2009 00:40 - United States

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Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

By lovehurts - 28/12/2010 20:41 - United States

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Today, I had a phone interview for a job I've had my eye on forever. I was dumped a few hours before the interview, but was okay until I was put on hold with music playing. Me and my boyfriend's song came on and I started bawling. I could hardly talk when they took me off hold. FML

By amya - 17/10/2009 08:39 - Canada

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Today, I fell asleep in history class. I was dreaming about my history teacher. When I woke up everyone stared at me rather weirdly and the teacher wasn't there. Turns out I was moaning my history teachers name through my sleep. FML

By asleepinclass - 16/3/2009 17:18 - Poland

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Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

By marriedtoaretard - 19/2/2012 22:45 - United States

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Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

By Austin - 17/6/2016 05:57 - United States - Rancho Cordova

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Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying how I hated my job, I felt trapped, and that I was wasting my time working there. A few minutes later, she answered, "That's how I feel about our relationship." FML

By Ineverknew - 19/3/2009 16:43 - United States

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Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

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Today, my cousin got married. I was cold so I went to get my jacket from my car. While leaving I saw my cousin walking around the front of the venue. I told her she looked beautiful in her dress. She looked up and said, "Where is my beer, have you seen my beer?" and threw up on me. FML

By Scarred4lyfe - 28/2/2016 22:32 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

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Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

By Anonymous - 5/7/2009 23:20 - Canada

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Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

By Ceej - 30/7/2011 21:06 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

By mustachio101 - 17/7/2012 23:30 - United States - Montgomery

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Today, my school is having their homecoming, and it seems everyone but me has someone to go with. My best friend has her boyfriend, my brother has a date, and I have my hamster. FML

By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 02:47 - United States

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Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

By jlujan00 - 18/11/2015 23:40 - United States - Albuquerque

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Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

By Ignored - 11/4/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it stuck mid-floor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we'll be OK. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is deathly claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. In this case, all over me. We were stuck for 2 hours. FML

By goingup? - 25/2/2009 17:53 - United States

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