Catfishing Fail

Today, I got home from the hospital. Yesterday was my birthday, and I got a piece of steak caught in my lower esophagus, resulting in a trip to the ER and an overnight stay so they could put me under and fish it out. I’m not allowed meat for a month while they find out what caused it. FML

Out of it

Breaking Badly

Buzzing the tower

By ER Birthday - 19/9/2019 14:00

Unhappy Birthday

1354

172

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

By everore - 25/12/2012 18:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

30954

3433

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 04:18 - United States

31161

13209

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

By interviewed - 16/9/2009 10:37 - United States

50637

4160

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2011 00:50 - Brazil

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8621

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 18:00 - Ireland - Dublin

31435

2561

Today, I went to a park and sat down next to this older lady. These kids started to fight and scream at each other. I leaned next to her and said, "Man am I glad those aren't MY kids." She turned to me and said, "Yeah, they're mine." FML

By Sardine - 18/12/2009 22:14 - United States

9410

32837

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

By please don't get the succ - 29/6/2016 18:21 - United States - San Francisco

9538

634

Today, I woke up thinking after wearing glasses and contacts all my life that I had miraculously been corrected to 20/20. Turns out I had just fallen asleep with my contacts in. FML

By kiriakousauce21 - 15/2/2010 07:44 - France

11818

32735

Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML

By Motherly Love - 14/8/2011 10:34 - United States

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Today, I read the instructions on my new prescription constipation medicine: "For best results, defecate before use." FML

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 14:50 - Canada

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1698

Today, I was stretching after a group run. I noticed one of the girls was having problems balancing, so I told her that I have horrible balance too, but that it'll get better. She sneered and said she had a brain tumor when she was a kid, and that's why she has such bad balance. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2013 07:11 - United States - Vallejo

49218

6826

Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

By mytoehurts - 26/6/2015 13:09 - Canada - Ayr

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2841

Today, my elderly neighbor had asked me to take her to her early morning doctor's appointment. I arrived at her house at 7:30 as agreed, and she appeared to have forgotten who I was. She started lobbing eggs out of her window at me, telling me she wasn't interested in what I was selling. FML

By she sure has an arm. - 28/2/2013 11:57 - United States - Clinton

34559

2581

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

By fuckit - 31/1/2013 20:27 - Italy - Rome

30018

2466

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2010 00:06 - United States

29874

5763

Today, I finally told my crush that I like her. She said she could never date me, because apparently, "My best friend likes you." Her best friend is my step-sister. FML

By messed up - 16/9/2011 21:10 - United States

36463

2597

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

By Tris - 12/9/2019 16:00

Talk is cheap

533

1848

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

By Anonymous - 12/9/2014 21:36 - United States - New York

44665

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Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Brick

How Thoughtful

2016

156

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

By gtrs750 - 9/8/2009 13:48 - Canada

105040

8739

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 06:34 - Netherlands

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Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML

By SinkyBalls - 30/8/2011 03:56 - Canada

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2790

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

By supervisor - 6/11/2009 03:43 - United States

32761

18122

Today, I noticed my fish was still hungry after feeding him earlier. I figured, "Eh, a little bit more won't kill him". I was wrong. FML

By liishax3 - 22/11/2014 07:22 - United States - San Francisco

33888

9762

Today, after dating my girlfriend for about a month she decided to change her Facebook status to taken. When I saw the update I immediately clicked "Like." Then I looked up and saw I wasn't the person she had put herself in the relationship with. FML

By waitthatsnotme - 15/8/2009 00:39 - United States

53134

5514

Today, I lost a glove while snowboarding. I got off my board to find it, when a bunch of kids took the opportunity to kick my snowboard down the hill, while yelling "Run, Forrest, run!" as I frantically chased after it. FML

By gumpy - 25/2/2011 20:37 - United States

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Today, I opened my birthday present from my grandfather. It was a map of the USA color coded by regional percentage of available men. FML

By Noname - 8/3/2009 04:28 - United States

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Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

By sadchick - 9/9/2009 22:53 - United States

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Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 14:19 - United States - Abington

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Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

By crazystuff23 - 1/6/2009 16:44 - United States

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Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 01:07 - United States

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Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

By Anonymous - 10/10/2012 21:48 - Canada - Winnipeg

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6134

Today, my now ex-boyfriend accused me of wanting to screw his 11-year-old brother, all because I expressed interest in going to his birthday party. FML

By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 02:16 - Canada - Richmond Hill

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1633

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

By Embarrassed - 4/2/2011 00:28

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Today, I was out on a leisurely jog. Out of nowhere, a car slowed down in the street, and a passenger screamed "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY, MOTHERFUCKER," before tossing a lit Roman Candle at my feet. FML

By Your ass... Grab it... - 4/7/2013 22:30 - United States - Grand Prairie

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4335

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

By miiiiilk - 5/12/2010 11:12 - United States

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9477

Today, I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media. It's wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about porn. FML

By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 20:00

Addicted to love

895

944

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

By 2gewd4u - 15/1/2012 01:24 - United States

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