Today, I got locked out of my car while the engine was idling. The "good news"? My dog inside the car thought this was the funniest thing ever and barked happily every time I tried to open it. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with my boss and two other coworkers. To lighten the mood, I tried telling a joke. I forgot the punchline halfway through and ended up awkwardly trailing off. We still had 20 minutes to go before maintenance rescued us. FML
Today, I'm taking care of my friend's cat while he's away for a while. She's very clingy and friendly, which I don't mind… or at least, I thought I didn't mind, until I tried to go to sleep and she insisted on lying on my face. I felt bad for having to kick her out of the bedroom. FML
Today, I found out that the little bumps on the child seats in the Wal-Mart shopping carts are spaced just enough that they can crack my brand new phone's screen past its screen protector in two places. FML
Today, my 3 year-old toddler wanted to try my wine. I kept telling her it’s adult juice and she wouldn’t like it. When she kept bugging me about it I gave in, and gave her a tiny sip. She liked it, and continued to bug me about it even more. FML
Today, and recently, I’ve been really big into van life and traveling. Until now, I thought my wife was onboard. After a long talk about how difficult it would be, she’s decided that she’d rather live paycheck to paycheck, instead of travel for super cheap and save money. On top of that, rent is going up in a few months. FML
Today, my ex asked me to return a sweater he'd gifted me back in the day. He didn’t even thank me, just said he’d catch me at lunch but never did. Work was tedious yet even then I didn’t leave without shooting him a goodbye text, only for him to say, “Oh my bad, I already left.” I still love him but it’s clearly one-sided. FML
Today, my husband was diagnosed with cancer, but that's not the worst part. He immediately told me he wanted a divorce afterwards. He insists that he's doing it for me. FML
Today, I assisted a customer at work. She was asking me all sorts of stupid questions and acting like an entitled, spoiled brat. When she left, since I had a mask on, I meant to mouth, "Stupid bitch" but I blurted it out loud. Everyone heard. I was fired. FML
Today, I went on a first date and laughed so hard at a joke that I snorted. I tried to play it cool, laughed harder, snorted again, and then knocked over my drink. The waiter brought napkins and said, “Happens all the time.” To me, yes, it does. FML
Today, I googled which documents we needed to provide to sell our marital home. It took me three minutes and I have to complete list. My ex-husband, who's been complaining we have to sell as soon as possible, is ignoring the list, because he bought a book on houses, and wants to read it first. He hasn't read a book in 15 years. FML
Today, my klutziness reached a new level. I was walking down a flight of stairs, sneezed, and proceeded to fall down, scraping the crap out of my knees and spraining my dominant wrist. FML
Today, I got ready for work half-asleep, grabbed my coffee, and walked out the door. It wasn’t until I was in the elevator that I realized I was also holding the TV remote instead of my phone. FML
Today, my physical therapist finally conceded and concluded that every pain that I've been having in my hips is nerve pain and that over the counter painkillers won't help with that. What will? Nothing that's over the counter, so I'm going to have to figure out ways to deal with this nerve pain. FML
Today, I learned when you’re naked and walking to the shower, it’s not a good idea to spot loose screws on the curtain rail and quickly try to screw them back in, because odds are the curtains will fall down and you’ll be left with your boobs out next to the window looking out onto the main road. FML
Today, I'm 35 years-old and I had to buy myself a hat from the kids section. FML
Today, for the first time in my 20 years of life, I heard my dad unironically say the f-word. I was so shocked by it that I became became practically frozen for a full minute, which is not a very good thing to happen when you're at work, and your boss is watching you. FML
Today, I was woken up at 5:15 AM to the lovely sounds of my cat barfing in three different places on my bedroom carpet. FML
Today, I realized that there are only two things that make me stay with my current girlfriend: the sex and her Nintendo Switch. FML
Today, I realized I'd spent 14 months giving my love to a closeted lesbian, who used me like an emotional vampire to hide. She cried about her ex leaving her for a man, then did the same to me. She's a parasite jumping from host to host because she's too cowardly to be honest. I’m just her latest supply. FML
Today, my step-mom let me practice driving, since I got my permit the other day. I mistook the gas for the brake and launched our dog into the windshield. The dog is okay, but my sister, who was also in the car, will never let me live this down and caught it on video. FML
Today, my husband came home with his dick pierced. I shrieked in horror and told him to get it away from me. He's now sulking that I won't indulge his weird impulse and am refusing sex until he removes the piercing. FML
That first week back is always a doozy...
Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close the door as I've seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML
Today, I noticed my unopened box of Viagra passed its 'use by' date three months ago. My sex life ended in 2022. FML
Today, while I was at the doctor's looking nasty and sick, I ran into my ex. He was my first boyfriend and he cheated on me the whole time, and then left me. I went into a room with my friend while we were waiting and told her EVERYTHING about him. Turns out everyone heard me, INCLUDING HIM. Now I have to see him tomorrow. FML
Today, I had to turn down a huge job promotion that would have meant a bigger salary and more benefits because it would have required me to move, and my wife and kids absolutely refuse to leave behind the farm we live on or all the animals. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time. I got nervous and tried to say, "Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you!" when I should’ve just said, "It’s nice to meet you." To make things worse, it came out as, "Nice to hear you, I’ve met a lot about you." FML
Today, I was excited to try my new skincare mask. My dog apparently thought I had turned into some kind of monster and barked hysterically for twenty minutes before lunging at my face and licking it off. So much for self-care. FML
Today, it was my first day at a new workplace. During introductions, I nervously tripped over my words and introduced myself as "Fork." My real name is Frank. My coworkers thought it was too funny to correct. Looks like I’m stuck with "Fork" for the foreseeable future. FML
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