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Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2012 at 6:21pm / Love

Today, my 5-year-old won't stop princess-waving at people. This would be fine, but she looks exactly like she is giving the Nazi salute. I got dirty looks from nearly everyone at the supermarket. FML

by momoftheyearedition / 07/08/2015 at 11:13pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I was running late for school and accidentally ran a red light and got pulled over. I couldn't find the registration and was freaking out, when the cop told me that he wouldn't give me a ticket if he could give me some advice. His advice? Don't wear your shirt inside-out. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2015 at 2:04am / United States (Indiana) / Transportation

Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register. Only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2011 at 5:32am / United States / Work

Today, I accidentally sprayed some perfume in my eye. After rinsing said burning eye with water for a few minutes, I half-blindly grabbed the eyedrops my sister left on the counter and used some. They were actually tea tree oil drops. Ouch. FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2012 at 2:21am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

by bex / 01/07/2009 at 10:42am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, the only card I got for Valentine's Day was in my mother's handwriting, and she posted it through the front door herself. She still won't admit it's from her. FML

by ThanksMum / 02/14/2012 at 6:56am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

by poopexperttt / 09/07/2012 at 3:12am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, all the staff in my company were forced to attend an evening Chippendale show. Everyone in my department managed to think of a good reason to escape while I failed and no other choice but to go. I'm the only guy. FML

by yamada / 02/25/2011 at 5:15am / Singapore / Work

Today, I asked my boyfriend to go to the airport with me, to see me off for my three-month stay abroad. He said no because the two-hour drive is "too boring". FML

by Anonymous / 07/24/2015 at 7:58am / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Love

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

by wtf / 08/30/2011 at 8:16am / India (Delhi) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

by Magnus_the_Red / 09/09/2009 at 12:13am / United States (Nebraska) / Intimacy

Today, I had a panic attack at 2am because someone decided to throw a snowball at my window. FML

by nuerrotticc / 01/06/2011 at 3:58am / Health