By FML Videos - 17/9/2018 18:30

Disaster Preparedness

In all seriousness, be safe out there guys!

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Out of it

Instadrama

Boozehound alert

By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 02:25 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my parents necking in the living room. I promptly covered my eyes and muttered something about my innocence being stolen from me. My dad looked up from the couch, and mentioned that he had heard my innocence being stolen by Jake, my boyfriend from 2 years ago. FML

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By ADT - 9/2/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 14:02 - Hungary - Sopron

Bittie

Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML

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By McMuffin - 26/5/2017 14:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter ran with arms wide open towards me, smiling, only to pass me by and hug the gardener instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By Darth Spasticus - 14/11/2015 09:12 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

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By Sonotsuave - 4/3/2019 08:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By Miss Spasticator - 26/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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By PubelishedAuthor - 15/3/2010 06:00 - United States

Pubeblocked

Today, I learned that a few pubes on your bed can stop you from getting laid. FML

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By UnSupported - 14/8/2014 15:28 - United States - North Kingstown

Today, I excitedly told my family that, after years of studying and dedication, I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" and my dad and brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2015 10:34 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML

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By BritneyFink - 4/2/2009 21:05 - Canada

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i'm allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a couple of months texted me that she was very sad because her puppy had just passed away. Feeling sorry for her, I bought her another puppy of the same breed. I wrapped it in a blanket and placed it on the passenger seat and went to pick her up from school. She sat on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

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By anonymous - 6/11/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

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By Username - 18/10/2010 15:52 - France

Today, I was woken by the news that my car had been found, but was completely destroyed due to a fire. I didn't even know my car was missing. FML

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By RejectRaven - 16/5/2019 12:00

Economy, schmeconomy

Today, I got my first paycheck after getting a new job so I could pay rent. It was only $387.19, even after working overtime. My rent is $515. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 20:13 - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

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By ohyaknow - 30/9/2010 09:56 - United States

Communication

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

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By noname - 7/11/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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By DuckMan - 7/10/2017 13:00

Truthbomb

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

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By tiredmom - 7/7/2016 15:03 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

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By daremetobecooler - 8/4/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I saw a letter from Geneseo that invited me to apply to the honors college. Excited, I wrote the required two page essay on how I am organized. I then saw the strict deadline was March 15th. My little brother thought it would be funny to hide my mail. For the past seven weeks. FML

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By Krissy. - 31/3/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 07:02

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By Ugh - 27/2/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

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By nullroute - 16/2/2016 11:34 - Switzerland - Full

Today, I found out that while on foreign exchange for over six months now, I have been pronouncing the word for "night" in German wrong. Apparently, this whole time, the way that I have been pronouncing it in German means "naked". This explains a lot. FML

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By Just Awkward - 21/4/2017 02:00

Today, I was in class rubbing my hands together. The lecturer thought that because my hands were up, I had a question. I replied with, "Oh, no I was just playing with myself." Just as it left my mouth, I realised what I was saying. FML

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By Omydayz - 29/3/2016 23:03 - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

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By Ido - 26/8/2010 20:06 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend from the top of a bungee jumping platform at an amusement park. I yelled out, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" from the platform, pointing her out. Turns out, I was pointing at the wrong girl. My girlfriend was very angry and ran away when the wrong girl yelled, "Yes!" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2013 05:02 - United States - Austin

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

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By wifeofafainter - 24/9/2015 06:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

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By BoringFucker - 6/2/2012 21:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML

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By maribel - 4/6/2011 11:27 - United States

Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML

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By me - 15/7/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

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By fishfloors - 21/4/2017 14:00

Today, I finally broke down and paid someone to clean my condo. Sometime after she finished, my cat threw up. Then my roomba went off, smearing regurgitated mackerel all over the freshly washed floors. There goes $150. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2013 02:23 - United States - Kansas City

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months got upset and frustrated with me because he had yet to meet my mom. I'd told him on our first date that she passed away 4 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2011 08:28 - Australia

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

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By better late than never - 8/5/2015 21:32

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

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By Kika - 20/1/2009 07:59 - France

Today, the phone rang. I run to get the call, I trip, fall on a metal chair. Tears in my eyes and out of breath I pick up... "Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions? It's for a survey." FML

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Top comments

By pjsr | 32

#7694899 - Monday 17 September 2018 19:41

This is why there is no male version of Mary Poppins

COMMENTS

By pjsr | 32

#7694899 - Monday 17 September 2018 19:41

This is why there is no male version of Mary Poppins