Today, I finally was able to complete my taxes and I had a look at the IRS website to check my refund. They changed it from 1K to $10. FML
Today, my daughter came crying to me that her boyfriend cheated on her. I'd like to comfort her, if it weren't for the fact that she manipulated him into cheating on his previous girlfriend with her. FML
Today, after two months of being apart from my wife of five years, who'd returned to Panama to deal with a family issue, she innocently slips into conversation that she’s been hanging out with her high school boyfriend. When challenged, she responded, “You get to see me all the time!” FML
Today, I finally had sex after 3 long years. It lasted less than a minute, followed by 2 hours of talking about anime.. I'm in my 30s. FML
Today, my son got back from his solo holiday in Hawaii. I asked him what he did. Apparently, he sat in his suite for 2 weeks, watching shit on his laptop. He spent thousands of pounds, flew thousands of miles to one of the nicest islands in the world, all to stay in his room. He could have done that here. FML
Today, after sacrificing multiple weekends to help my kid brother with his various projects, I asked him to help me with one of mine. He nearly blew up at the thought of losing an evening of his free time on a simple task, so I postponed it to later, which means never. FML
Today, my wife asked when I was going back to the gym because I am developing a belly, which she finds disgusting. I've just had surgery on my thigh, which was her fault for asking, “What’s this thing do?” while grabbing the handle to the jack holding up my car, dropping the car on my leg. FML
Today, it's that time of year again: my mom has threatened to disown me if I celebrate Christmas in any way, shape, or form. Yes, she is an extreme bible thumper. No, she doesn't see what is wrong with her behavior, nor does she care. FML
Today, I met a boy on Snapchat. I sent him my picture and he said I was cute. We talked for a bit, and I said, "Okay" to something. Then he sent his picture, but my slow Wi-Fi made it look like I said okay to his picture, right after he'd called me cute. I tried to explain, but he said I was just trying to be nice. FML
Today, my parents decided that because my sister never cleans the bathroom, every time she doesn’t, she and I BOTH have to pay $100 a week for a maid. I can’t afford to move out, and with this, I never will. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. Over text. While I was on vacation visiting my old grandparents. FML
Today, I realized there are only three things keeping me from committing suicide: My pets, my fictional comfort character, and the knowledge that if I failed, I’d not only be institutionalized, but be kicked out of my very Catholic high school. FML
Today, I finally found out why I never got invited to parties in college. My fellow students considered me too ambitious to want to do anything but study hard. The reason they thought that? I tended to be present and on time for classes. FML
Today, i told my boyfriend that I wasn't feeling emotionally well, and wanted cuddles. He proceeded to hump my leg. FML
Today, I was at a friend’s birthday party. I slipped and fell onto the table of presents, knocking each one of them over, pulling a muscle in the process. My friend bitched me out for not being careful and “ruining” his presents. I got kicked out. FML
Today, after lying to my kid so she doesn’t learn how little her dad cares about her, my current husband, who didn’t know I was doing this, told her everything, such as how the last two times her dad flaked on picking her up was because he was in Vegas gambling, or in jail for hiring hookers. FML
Today, my truck got towed after being parked for ten minutes, even though wasn't in a no parking area. Now I have to pay 500 dollars to get it out of impound. FML
Today, after telling my husband how excited I am to be going on a family trip without nieces/nephews because it meant our children will finally bond with each other, his mother took it upon herself to invite our nephew on our trip without asking us. I’m mad at her and my husband is mad at me for being mad at her. FML
Today, my wife told me the only reason she doesn’t want kids is because she requires privacy to poop. That’s it. That’s the dealbreaker. FML
Today, my dad tried to hook me up with someone. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't my cousin. FML
Today, one of my workmates had threatened to destroy my car completely if I fired him for low performance. I was actually shocked, not because of the threat, but because I don't have a car of my own. I don't know how to drive, either. FML
Today, my mom decided to go against every promise she's made to everyone once again and left us in financial ruin. How? She took advantage of my kindness, and didn't pay any of the money she owes me for driving my car, and for so much more. I'm more than $2,000 in debt now. FML
Today, I was eating a bag of chips when one of the pieces broke off into a sharp point and when I chewed it, it stabbed into my gums. When I got up to wash the blood out of my mouth, I hit my big toe on my desk corner. FML
Today, while preparing to celebrate my daughter's second birthday, we all discovered we got a present: COVID. We're all vaccinated, but still feel like shit. FML
Today, I learned that the one face cleaner that actually works for me is no longer being made. I just ran out of the last of my supply last night, and I woke up to find my face completely covered in zits. FML
Today, one of the human-shaped piles of shit my restaurant serves found a hair in her food. Normally, these fuckwits piss and moan and demand free food, but this sack of filth turned out to be such a drama queen that she puked all over the table and cried so hard she needed an ambulance. FML
Today, I overheard a co-worker tell the new guy not to talk to me because I'm a bitch. Apparently, she didn't like it when I told her two weeks ago that she had a drinking problem, which was affecting her work ethic. FML
Today, I’m getting so old that the local radio station that plays the “old classics” is playing songs I listened to in high school. FML
Today, after much delay, work was finally completed on my parents' new ensuite bathroom. It shares a wall with my bedroom. I was relieved, until I realised the endless crashing and drilling sounds have now been replaced with the sounds of my parents' bladder and bowel movements. FML
Today, like every other day of my life, I have hypermobility. I had an important dress and tech rehearsal for a production due to start tomorrow. Guess what day my ankle decided to give out midway down a flight of stairs, leaving my foot rapidly swelling… FML
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