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hey everyone. thanks for being understanding for the most part. this was just one of the "I wasnt thinking" kind of things. dont worry though: I got several slaps on the back of then head from cousins who were in earshot.

Wyan

By hellosaila - 27/02/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 988

You deserved it 15 082

Teenage narcs

By Anonymous - 08/02/2020 05:00

Today, my mom called to tell me that I needed to clean the side of her couch. Why? Because someone picked their nose and wiped snot all on the side of it. She thinks it was me because I sat there last. It wasn't me. I don't even live there, but I have two teenage siblings that blame everything on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 166

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 244

Third degree

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 06:01

Today, my wife left her curling iron on the bed, which was dangerous enough, but I also accidentally sat on it after my shower. Now I have a burn on the bottom of my balls, which has turned into a painful blister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 145

Nun the wiser

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 16:01

Today, my girlfriend offered to roleplay as a sexy nun, then dumped me, claiming my saying yes meant I was attacking her catholic faith and that I’m a sick, depraved criminal. She was the one who offered. I’m not remotely interested in roleplay, I only agreed cause I thought it was her kink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 142

Pranking hell!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 059

You deserved it 4 369

Anger management

By Manuel Gearbox - 12/07/2021 18:01 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I drove a different work vehicle, one with the cupholder right behind the gear lever. After multiple accidental attempts at changing gears with my Coke bottle, I threw it out the window in a temper. I then got busted for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 1 703

The prick

By Anonymous - 07/10/2022 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to deep throat him and I had to tell him he isn’t long enough to reach my throat. It just about reaches the back of my tongue, but that’s it. He’s now sulking. I can’t change the length of his prick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 529

You deserved it 634

Tradwife blues

By AnonWife - 22/01/2014 01:16 - United Kingdom - Scunthorpe

Today, my husband and I are sick. He keeps whining about how bad he feels. I'm just as sick, as well as 7 months pregnant. I've not only been taking care of his whiny ass: I've cooked, cleaned, and gone to the store several times because the tissues we had were too rough on his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 708

You deserved it 9 491

By Wendie - 18/04/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 567

You deserved it 8 599

By pchemist - 22/02/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 544

You deserved it 7 009

Classic mistake

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 22:01 - United States - Fargo

Today, I woke up from a dead sleep needing to fart. The second I tried to push it out, I realized it wasn't wasn't fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 833

You deserved it 495

By Anonymous - 13/02/2012 01:11 - United States

Today, I had to pick my grandma up because she was drunk, at church, at 9am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 424

You deserved it 2 507

By Anonymous - 01/09/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 582

You deserved it 69 694

Make it your own goal

By Anonymous - 13/01/2014 19:48 - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 005

You deserved it 12 718

By FuckLife - 11/02/2012 13:41 - Australia

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 502

You deserved it 2 495

Be reasonable, people

By SailorVenus93 - 20/03/2020 06:00

Today, at work, I was told at the beginning of my shift that we would be enforcing a 4-item limit on hand sanitizer, toilet paper, etc. Not even 20 minutes later, I had 2 customers bitch me out. This is going to be a long shift, if not year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 151

Family goals

By Stephenstrange - 22/07/2021 19:59 - United States - Clinton Township

Today, I asked my mom to tell me how she met my dad, because after 15 years me and my dad are finally working on our relationship. My mom thought it was a good time to tell me he’s not my father, and that my biological father wants to meet me this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 239

You deserved it 96

Waitressing blues

By left out - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "Happy Birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 621

You deserved it 4 290

Comeback

By sadguy - 18/02/2009 22:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response, "Lucky you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 164

You deserved it 23 297

Ouch

By Anonymous - 13/01/2013 12:41 - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 453

You deserved it 5 205

By ... - 04/01/2014 05:25 - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 414

You deserved it 8 796

Code of silence

By nean83 - 12/01/2013 05:11 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 528

You deserved it 39 936

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 317

You deserved it 7 683

Uglies

By Noname - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 129

You deserved it 13 682

By Anonymous - 04/02/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 754

You deserved it 11 897

By thedullard - 16/02/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 471

You deserved it 31 260

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 287

You deserved it 3 538

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year-old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 741

You deserved it 6 745

Random

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 423

You deserved it 961

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 065

You deserved it 7 991

Today, I saw a cute guy and decided to say hi. As I started to think about things to talk about, one story in particular about a drummer who looked like Jesus stuck out in my mind. I was so nervous that instead of saying hi, I blurted out, "Some people look like Jesus!" and took off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 650

You deserved it 8 904

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 544

You deserved it 5 536

Today, I took my car to a car wash, and when I got it back, one of the rearview mirrors was missing. Someone knocked it off and the management refuses to cooperate on who was the thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 80

Today, we travelled back to England to meet my fiance's family. Turns out her cousin is a guy I hated from high school. I tried to be an adult, but we began sniping insults at each other like we used to. By the end of the night, we realised we actually missed hating each other and are now, ew, frenemies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 964