Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my kitten was playing with the drawstring on my pajama pants. He then jumped, clinging on to my crotch. I screamed in pain, which scared him and made him hold on tighter. My cat was literally hanging from my vagina with its claws for a good 30 seconds before I could pry him off. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, I didn't realize my cat was sleeping in the room with me until she decided to jump on me in the middle of the night, resulting in a critical hit to my groin. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, I was laying on the couch when my cat decided to join. Instead of jumping, he opted to climb. While he was climbing, he put his paw on my junk and got his claws stuck there. He then tried to force them out, which hurt even more. It took almost a full minute to break him free. FML
Today, I replaced my bedsheets with new, clean ones. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and when I came back, my cat had peed exactly where my head would be. FML
Today, I woke up to find out my cat pissed in my laundry from last night. This includes underwear, so I had to go commando. I grabbed an old T-shirt and pants at the bottom of a drawer and left for school. Turns out the pants had a hole in the crotch and my period was due. FML
Today, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was jolted awake by my oldest cat who'd decided it would be perfect to power-puke all over my bed. FML
Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML
Today, my cat decided that instead of using the brand-new scratching post I bought him, he was going to use my pant leg while I was asleep. FML
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Top comments
Grizz8831 14
you should probably trim your cats claws. they make clippers that let you cut them back so they are not sharp, but prevent you from cutting to far and hitting the nerves. mine have all her claws but they get trimmed back since she doesn't go outside.
annaT00many 5
The jock strap won’t help lol
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Comments (7)
annaT00many 5
The jock strap won’t help lol
IHaveThePower 16
This is why any given cat's middle name is Asshole.
Grizz8831 14
you should probably trim your cats claws. they make clippers that let you cut them back so they are not sharp, but prevent you from cutting to far and hitting the nerves. mine have all her claws but they get trimmed back since she doesn't go outside.
jkjorn 16
OP's username should be "Claude Balls".
Michael Hasbun 3
Just get rid of the cats. Filthy, useless little vermin.
CTscan 8
we don't move sleeping cats by pushing them