Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 242

You deserved it 28

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 133

22/02/2009 00:13

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 242

You deserved it 6 955

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Clean up in aisle 3 please

Egg mode

15/02/2013 07:18

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 915

You deserved it 4 059

I keep mine hidden

By Anonymous - 17/08/2020 20:00

Today, while my girlfriend is in hospital, I'm left at home with her mom. What I didn't know is that her mom's medication makes her do strange things. I learned that right away when she took a seat next to me, completely naked, on the couch. My girlfriend's mom is my grandmother's age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 555

You deserved it 100

08/06/2009 06:54

Today, I woke up hungover and thirsty, I found a glass of water next to the sink, filled it up with more water, chugged it and went back to bed. I woke up an hour later to my best friend telling me she thought she lost her contacts. They were in a glass next to the sink. I ate her contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 007

You deserved it 43 287

28/09/2009 04:10

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 927

You deserved it 4 579

Your kid is a boffin

By Toby's.Mom. - 16/02/2017 17:00

Today, I heard my son use the word "exacerbated". I had to look it up to see if he had correctly used it, which he had, because I couldn't remember what it meant. I'll be 23 next week. He's not even 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 862

You deserved it 2 922

07/03/2013 02:39

Today, I was so bored at a dinner party that I went to the bathroom to play games on my phone. One of my co-workers came in, so I rushed into a stall, but forgot to turn my phone's sound off. She heard it and said, "It's OK, music helps me shit too" and started blasting her music and grunting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 838

You deserved it 7 077

15/04/2017 02:00

Today, I was hit by an unmanned semi truck that rolled down an embankment onto the highway. I'm fine, but the entire left side of my car is smashed in. The idiot responsible had to be dragged down the hill by the cops. Apparently, he was peeing and forgot to put the parking brake on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 340

You deserved it 290

01/12/2009 16:17

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 611

You deserved it 3 274

20/06/2015 02:36

Today, after weeks of my crazy girlfriend avoiding me because she knew I wanted to break up with her, I had no option but to do it by text. She told all my friends, who now think I'm a coward who isn't man enough to break up in person. They didn't even ask for my side of the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 359

You deserved it 5 040

26/05/2010 15:54

Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 996

You deserved it 5 756

21/03/2009 20:11

Spicy

Today, was my first serious photoshoot as a male model for a high-end clothing line. It was a nude photoshoot, with kind of an Adam and Eve theme. After the first couple of pictures with the extremly sexy female model, I got a boner. There were still 100 shots left to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 652

You deserved it 22 349

04/06/2015 01:59

Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 416

You deserved it 5 658

21/08/2015 15:25

Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 058

You deserved it 7 203

18/02/2014 19:49

Spicy

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 156

You deserved it 19 222

Stress level: 2020

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 19:02

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 996

You deserved it 69

29/05/2010 04:04

Today, I was expecting a very important work call. Today was also the day I got insuppressible diarrhea. As I was running to the washroom, the phone rang. I didn't make it to the washroom or the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 138

You deserved it 3 476

11/07/2011 15:37

Today, I spent the entire day in my room trying to figure out how to get rid of my psycho boyfriend without dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 698

You deserved it 6 676

17/02/2010 05:03

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 291

You deserved it 8 981

17/05/2017 04:00

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 122

You deserved it 359

Hot lava from both ends

By SickBoi - 30/03/2021 14:01

Today, I was suffering from food poisoning and had constant diarrhea, along with feeling nauseous. I couldn't hold my vomit in and rushed to the toilet, but due to the pressure, I pooped while still in pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 61

The patriarchy rules

By hyphen - 09/12/2020 18:01

Today, I was talking to a new friend when I told him my last name. It’s hyphenated. He then left and declared me to be a "stuck-up bitch" who thinks she’s "too good to take a man’s last name." This is the name I was born with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 86

27/07/2019 05:00

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 428

You deserved it 475

28/04/2011 23:13

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 533

You deserved it 3 497

Orwellian nightmare

By anonymous - 24/10/2014 13:47

Today, while reading "1984" on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 114

You deserved it 3 266

13/02/2013 17:20

Today, I finished my shift at the nursing home. There was too much snow on the roads, so most of us had to stay overnight. Not only did I not get to go home, I also got stuck sleeping in the same bed that a resident had died in the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 244

You deserved it 2 465

19/10/2009 04:10

Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an 'accident' in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 256

You deserved it 3 350

17/04/2016 11:52

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 415

You deserved it 7 622

14/02/2015 12:14

Today, I found out someone, most likely my psycho ex, has been posing as me on local interest websites, trolling a load of people, and giving them my address so they can come fight me. I found this out when a gentleman showed up at my house wanting to beat me shitless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 340

You deserved it 2 313

05/05/2014 21:03

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 119

You deserved it 18 309

Trans women are women

By Colton - 07/06/2021 20:01

Today, I'm dating a trans girl, who is also my best friend. She confessed to me long ago that she was born male, and that wasn't a big deal to me. The problem is that my family is constantly harassing her, because I should have been "with a real girl instead of a monster with severed genitals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 396

16/04/2009 18:43

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 713

You deserved it 129 737

28/04/2013 03:16

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 146

You deserved it 3 428

31/05/2015 09:13

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 581

You deserved it 2 873

09/02/2016 21:51

Today, my boyfriend said he was too tired to have sex with me because he'd spent the whole day jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 276

You deserved it 3 095

24/07/2011 17:02

Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 335

You deserved it 9 391

25/10/2013 04:35

Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 691

You deserved it 20 937

24/09/2011 09:12

Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 318

You deserved it 3 149

24/05/2015 14:14

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 209

You deserved it 2 568

18/08/2010 16:12

Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 482

You deserved it 64 139

25/02/2012 05:36

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 853

You deserved it 2 523

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:11

He's probably just embarrassed that he couldn't keep up with you.

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:16

So you're single now, eh?

Comments

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:11

He's probably just embarrassed that he couldn't keep up with you.

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Tuesday 29 June 2010 20:31

#5 Lol I agree. Maybe he doesn't have that much experience with getting laid, and felt embaressed.

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:16

So you're single now, eh?

Amkii 0

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:21

#5 - Exactly what I was thinking! He broke up with you because he's jealous and afraid he can't pleasure you as much as you did him!

mleeb 0

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:22

So, what? You came here to brag about it?

luciaaaaaaaaaaaa 5

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Tuesday 4 December 2012 20:54

ha! win

itstrishabtw 13

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Thursday 10 April 2014 11:37

#14 no, dumbass. she came here to tell you that her boyfriend was a jealous prick and broke up with her for lying while she was telling the truth. so put a cock in it.

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Thursday 29 May 2014 1:19

Oh your so smart I mean theres no way that they might have been joking or obviously trying to piss people like you off .. Right ?

FireT 0

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:28

If you would live near me, I could happily replace him. =)

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:33

He may have just wanted ur virginity and used "you're too good to get away." I've actually been privy to a situation like that.

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:35

Oh yeah, and he's a dick hole!

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Sunday 22 February 2009 4:52

He must be pretty insecure. You're better off.

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Sunday 22 February 2009 5:26

@#24: This is true. But it doesn't only apply to guys. :P

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Sunday 22 February 2009 6:32

How does he know you're 'too good' anyway? Sounds like he's had his fair share of experience to know where you rank in sex ability himself. Bit hypocritical of him in that case. Anyway someone who can't appreciate you and your awesome sex skills isn't worth it =X, you're better off now :P.