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Teenage narcs

Today, my mom called to tell me that I needed to clean the side of her couch. Why? Because someone picked their nose and wiped snot all on the side of it. She thinks it was me because I sat there last. It wasn't me. I don't even live there, but I have 2 teenage siblings that blame everything on me. FML

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Living together

Our house, in the middle of our street

On a leash

"Based on your purchase history…"

By KTBeck - 26/5/2020 14:00

Three is the magic number

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 07:08 - United Kingdom

Life is unfair…

Today, I was caught up in an armed robbery and after talking to the cops, my boss cut my pay for being 2 hours late. After I trudged home and told my parents, they are now forcing me to sleep in a tent in the garden, just in case the robber gave me COVID. FML

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By ellisp1

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Watch movies

Today, I hired a babysitter to take care of my newborn. When I came home, she was having sex with her boyfriend in the crib while the baby sat and watched them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marinette

Today, my mom and I somehow got into a serious argument over the ethics of capturing and training Pokémon. FML

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By ArsonistsLullaby - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML

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By c.hip - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the last 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

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By loveurlifejk - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2020 11:02

Good luck out there…

Today, my father said I only voted for Biden "because I watch the news." He's a hardcore Trumpster. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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By Melinda - United States

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

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By Bontempi - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

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By stillhungry - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

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By Catfish

Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML

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By Oh.

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

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By missy - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

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By Sheggie - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By rbates - United States

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

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By justin - United States - Waco

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

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By Coyote

Today, a couple of friends and I went camping in a national park. When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

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By tomuchtime

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

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By TehUglyLife - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I tried to help a bird who had broken his wing. I walked straight into a door while looking down at him in my hands, and ended up all but breaking his other wing. FML

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By Anathema_360 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

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By clewie - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

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By kaytiebobaytie - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. We were driving to his hockey game and he was joking around about throwing my favorite hoodie out of his window. While swinging it around, my brand new iPhone flew out of the pocket and the window, getting run over by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 21:30

It's the monstaaaaah

Today, a 4 year-old saw me and started crying and screaming like heck. I mean, I knew that I didn't look good, but this is too much. FML

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By kiddoc - United States

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

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By howdoesthatmakesense - United States - San Francisco

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML

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By fuckbucket14 - Egypt - Hurghada

Today, I got into an argument with my dad in his hotel room. I lost my temper and stormed out onto the balcony for some fresh air, at which point he decided to lock the door behind me, trapping me there for half an hour while he watched TV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By fmlxxxx - New Zealand

Today, I got back from vacation and realised I still had the motel key. The key-ring has the address on it, so you can post it back to them. I drove to the postbox and posted the key. I then discovered that the motel key won't start my car. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7880636 - Saturday 8 February 2020 5:42

That snot fair.

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7880813 - Saturday 8 February 2020 20:39

Since you don't live there tell her no and that if it bothers her so damn much she can clean it herself since she's already there. I would also not visit them for a while so your siblings can't blame shit on you.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7880636 - Saturday 8 February 2020 5:42

That snot fair.

By TCRII | 29

#7880751 - Saturday 8 February 2020 15:58

Just say “NO”

By indienerdgirl | 27

#7880813 - Saturday 8 February 2020 20:39

Since you don't live there tell her no and that if it bothers her so damn much she can clean it herself since she's already there. I would also not visit them for a while so your siblings can't blame shit on you.

By ncparry | 18

#7881053 - Sunday 9 February 2020 20:05

Just go home and don’t worry about it.

By J15237 | 25

#7881300 - Monday 10 February 2020 21:20

Well are you a nose picker first off? Second figure out a way to get some revenge on your siblings.