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Learning curve

By Anonymous - 05/11/2023 21:00

Spicy

Today, I took my new boyfriend's virginity about 10 minutes ago. He kept whispering, "It’s inside you, it’s actually inside you… feels kind of sticky, slippery, it’s actually inside you I can’t believe it.” It was super off-putting and a bit creepy. And no, I definitely did not orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 329

Red Sox Nation

By Anonymous - 25/09/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 905

You deserved it 164

By rejectedprobably - 18/07/2016 23:06 - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 413

You deserved it 1 164

By anonymous - 05/02/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 934

You deserved it 45 127

Sea legs

By gimpy - 23/06/2016 15:00 - United States - Panama City

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 267

You deserved it 1 267

By Kitten_Love - 28/01/2013 19:52 - France - Paris

Today, it's been two months since I got a kitten. He loves to hide, and then surprise me by jumping out of his hiding place. It was quite a surprise when he launched himself out of my bag during class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 139

You deserved it 6 639

By Anonymous - 18/06/2016 03:22 - United States - Detroit

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 138

You deserved it 972

By Lonely626 - 16/06/2016 22:26

Today, while talking with a coworker, we discussed a weekend home invasion scenario. It was then that I realized my social circle is so non-existent, that my job would notice I'm gone before my friends would. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 962

You deserved it 1 265

Smart kid

By bleredoshia - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 949

You deserved it 63 488

Keep it together

By SmileAndSayHi - 01/06/2016 19:23 - United States - Hialeah

Today, the underwire in my bra snapped as my 9-hour workday started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 673

Stoners of the world unite!

By Andy - 04/04/2020 23:00

Today, I came home to my 60-something year-old father, stoned off his ass, buck naked in our living room, doing a spirited rendition of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" with an Australian accent and a tambourine. The windows were open. The poor neighborhood children will most likely need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 757

You deserved it 207

Love is all around

By Anonymous - 24/08/2009 11:33 - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm "a self-absorbed bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 728

You deserved it 8 951

Don't take medical advice from teachers

By pain - 20/05/2016 04:23 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a splinter in my shop class. The teacher dug at it with tweezers for a while, then told me that my best bet would be to wait until the wound got infected and formed a bunch of pus around the splinter to force it out. It's in my dominant hand's palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 933

You deserved it 1 121

Thanks, Mom

By The Towel Molester - 26/01/2012 14:49 - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity." I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 497

You deserved it 3 322

Keep it down

By Char-azard - 17/05/2016 09:03 - New Zealand - Napier

Spicy

Today, my father bought a pair of fancy noise cancelling headphones. He doesn't realise that the noise cancelling function only slightly muffles the moaning and screaming in the porn he's watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 413

You deserved it 1 768

By anonymaiacciu - 22/12/2012 01:16 - France

Spicy

Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 847

You deserved it 8 983

Notice me please

By wut? - 04/05/2020 14:00

Today, my daughter has been locked in her room screaming and sobbing for the past 2 hours. Apparently, I didn’t make a big enough deal of her coming out, so I must not care about her. What I said was I didn’t care if she was gay, and that it wouldn’t change anything. Sorry for being accepting I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 209

You deserved it 241

Forgetting something?

By Julez - 14/01/2012 16:14 - United States

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 353

You deserved it 13 723

By kaleemuller - 03/05/2016 15:50 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I returned from a week long vacation in Aruba. After 10 hours of travel and 3 flights, I was walking to my car at the airport, excited to finally get home, only to realize I left my car keys, apartment keys, and work keys at the resort. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 722

You deserved it 5 147

kaleemuller tells us more.

kaleemuller 4

Wednesday 4 May 2016 18:56

Just to clear this up, my keys were in the safe, so was my passport, however so were the things of 6 other people. I was the first person to leave and when I asked them to hand me my passport out of the safe when I left, completely forgetting I had put anything else in the safe. I arrived at the airport at midnight and was unable to get into my apartment until the next day where I did have a spare set of car and apartment keys. The resort did mail my keys to me a few days later and now I have them. Yes, I learned my lesson and in the future will be triple checking things myself!

Sorry, son

By Waffle - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, a little boy called me, crying that "Grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say, "Wrong number." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 137

You deserved it 4 777

Handy

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 18:15 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 978

You deserved it 12 024

Get on with it

By deflated - 09/08/2009 16:54 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 841

You deserved it 59 867

By Mic - 03/09/2018 15:00 - Philippines - Guevarra

Today, after I mentioned my boyfriend on a cheesy Facebook quote, he told me to check the post. I then saw my old comment with my ex's name in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 2 965

By What did I do wrong? - 05/09/2018 01:30 - United States - Manhattan

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 973

You deserved it 197

By -_- - 15/03/2016 01:46 - United States - Inverness

Today, I made an attempt to be nicer to customers at my job as instructed, which resulted in me listening to a handful of elderly people's incontinence issues, and a meth-addict's multiple abortions in detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 777

You deserved it 1 798

By clubber - 04/11/2008 04:16 - Switzerland

Today, I was in a nightclub with my girlfriend when a beautiful woman looked at me in the most provocative way. I didn't want to upset my girlfriend, so I escaped to the bar. When I came back, I saw the same girl making out with my girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't the one she was looking at. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 358

You deserved it 9 052

By Lily - 09/10/2018 17:30

Today, I did a sprint in gym class. Despite being the skinniest in the class, I ran slower than everyone else, including two morbidly obese people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 2 596

Late bloomer

By Mike - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 151

You deserved it 3 091

Bad timing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my boyfriend that I wanted to go separate ways. Before I could say anything, he proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 120

You deserved it 3 766

By Tiffer27 - 25/01/2016 18:02 - United States

Today, I went to a very important job interview. I was so nervous that I passed out right in front of the interviewer's desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 485

You deserved it 2 456

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 2 003

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 583

You deserved it 3 397

Random

Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a crush on for a while. He told me before that he is quite inexperienced, which usually doesn't bother me at all. Turns out "inexperienced" translates to "I will include your nose and chin in our kissing" in this case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 982

You deserved it 2 224

Today, I got sick at school. When someone called my mom for permission for me to leave, she told them she doesn't have a daughter and to never call that number again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 402

You deserved it 2 782

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 628

You deserved it 8 413

Today, it's the seventh day after my nose job. I was taking something out of a box and pulled too hard. I punched myself in the nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 721

Today, I jumped up to touch the ceiling, then I landed on one of my younger sibling's Lego. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 825

Today, I called tech support because my new computer wasn’t turning on. After a long while on the phone, they finally asked if it was plugged in. It wasn’t. I spent way too long troubleshooting with a dead device because I never plugged it into the outlet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 703