Today, after my 7 year-old learned at school that water that goes down the sink and toilets is cleaned and then turns up in the taps as drinking water, he is now refusing to drink it at all in case it is recycled toilet water, and if he carries on he may need to be hospitalised for dehydration. FML
Today, my 4-year-old twin sons discovered how to lock doors. They locked me out of the house while I was taking out the trash. I had to climb through the kitchen window, which they'd generously smeared with peanut butter. FML
Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML
Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML
Today, my mom, sister, and I were talking about a friend's girlfriend. My sister's opinion of her was that she was cute but not hot. My mom agreed, saying that she didn't think that someone without boobs could EVER be hot. She then looked at me and said, "No offense." FML
Today, I walked into a gas station and saw some $.25 gum. It looked good and I thought I had a quarter in my pocket. I found no change in my pocket once I got to the register, so I pulled out my credit card. The cashier laughed a few seconds later when my card was declined for a piece of gum. FML
Today, I made a Discord account for the first time and got banned, even though I hadn't even logged in. Like, how is that possible? FML
Today, after waiting 7 months to get my amended tax return refund, I was informed today that not only did they mail it to the wrong address, the person who they mailed it to cashed the check. FML
Today, I turned my phone off for the first time in three weeks to have a one-hour nap. I had kept it on because my next door neighbour has health problems and I offered to be an emergency call if he needed help. I was woken up by two ambulances arriving at his house. Turning on my phone, he'd left me 5 voicemails. FML
Today, for Valentine's Day, my husband spent all day promising me romance and a good dicking. Instead, his boss hit him with emergency overtime, our romance was defrosted lasagna, and he fell asleep during the dicking so I had to crawl out from under him and watch TV alone. I hate his boss. FML
Today, I found out that Cheetos are flammable, as is my hair. FML
ClaireWinchester tells us more.
Hey guys, OP here (: I was so excited to hear that this got published!! Thank you for all your feedback, even the ones saying I deserved what happened. I believe due explanations are in order. First of all: I wasn't the one who lit the Cheetos on fire, that was courtesy of my older brother. He saw a post on iFunny saying that Cheetos are flammable, so, naturally he felt the need to see which flavor of Cheetos burned the fastest. He then he ran into my room to show me his discovery, waving a flaming Cheeto around proudly. I'm assuming you can guess what happened next.
Today, I had to cancel my birthday party because of snow. It's October. FML
Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML
Today, after three interviews, I accepted an offer for my dream job and submitted my notice. The company called me to say they couldn't contact my referees and have now withdrawn the offer. I'm now officially unemployed. FML
Today, at my daughter's ballet recital, after she was done dancing, grown adults booed. She's five. FML
Today, my mother-in-law said, "I just find I'm not at all confident bottle feeding a baby, as I breastfed all of mine." Thank you for making me feel like s*** for me decision to bottle feed. FML
Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend with breakfast in bed. Instead, I spilled hot coffee all over her and the bed. We ended up spending the morning doing laundry instead of cuddling. FML
Today, I was driving 65 on a fairly deserted highway when some speeding inbred in a giant truck chose not to use the open passing lane but instead SWERVED INTO THE SHOULDER to go around me, and then cut me off. Any closer and I would've been a smear on the asphalt. FML
Today, at a party, my friend introduced me to her roommate by spouting the usual crap, like, “You guys just had to meet, you have so much in common.” After 20 minutes of very painful, awkward conversation, it was clear the only thing we had in common was being the only two black people in the room. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to cover his share of the rent because he didn't work during the week, saying business has been slow. I checked and found out he called in sick four times. He wanted to stay home and watch online gaming matches. FML
Today, a new hire at my workplace, who is already on probation, yelled at me about filing an HR complaint about him. I had customers, who definitely heard. I've never filed a complaint. FML
Today, I got stuck in a dress in the fitting room and had to call the sales associate for help. She had to crawl under the door to rescue me. FML
Today, I went to work at my new job after taking a shower but I'd forgotten to put on deodorant. I started getting strange looks and wondered why, only to find out later that everyone was talking about me, including someone I have a crush on. FML
Today, I seriously considered writing in SCP-106 for president. I hate both candidates so much, I would willingly take President Radical Larry. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he lost his feelings for me and is breaking up with me. He also told me he’ll be glad to contribute to raising our son, who I gave birth to 3 months ago. To rub salt in the wound, he announced on Facebook as “In a relationship” with his coworker 12 hours later. FML
Today, I tried to impress my crush by ordering food in his "native tongue." He looked at me weirdly and said, "I'm from Ohio.” FML
Today, we met my son's new girlfriend, who he met at church. My asshat husband cracked a joke about all the "new relationship sex" they must be having, offending her and angering my son, who said they were waiting for marriage. My husband retorted, "Who believes in that junk anymore anyway? Go have sex!" FML
Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML
Today, after secretly smoking for more than two years, I decided to quit. I came home from work to see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML
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