The Top

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By nature - 25/09/2017 23:15

Today, I had to explain to my 7-year-old son that it's not okay to smell others' "wieners". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 388

You deserved it 341

By stachattack - 23/12/2017 15:00

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 927

You deserved it 642

Complete mockery

By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 01:00

Today, the people in my class wondered why I seem to avoid them. The same people who call me a creep and hide when they see me in public because of my disability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 294

You deserved it 147

Psychopath's joke

By hannieannie - 20/11/2019 01:00

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 066

You deserved it 265

Picture game

By Anonymous - 01/12/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 2 224

Strong incel vibes

By anotherdayfml - 04/03/2020 21:00

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 913

You deserved it 213

****** around, found out

By Single4evaaaa - 07/10/2022 13:00

Today, the woman that I left my wife for told me she just wanted me for sex and not a long-term relationship. I pleaded on my knees to my wife to take me back and rekindle our marriage and even suggested counseling. I even brought her roses. She slapped me with the roses and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 10 339

What are you not getting?

By fuck no! - 19/04/2020 23:00

Today, trying to be a little fun and flirty, I asked my husband if he wanted to play strip poker. He replied, "Nah. Not much fun with just two people." Not sure if he’s suggesting swinging or if he's really just that dense to what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 268

Your song

By None - 08/02/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, I auditioned for the musical at my school. Before I sang my song, I gave my music to the director. She said "Oh, I love this song!". After I sang it, she told me, "It's okay, I still like the song." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 643

You deserved it 5 036

The Big Book of Baby Names

By please don’t - 08/06/2020 02:00

Today, I had to explain to my sister in law why it’s a terrible idea to name her baby Aryan just because she likes the way it sounds. We’re all African Americans, but she still doesn’t see the issue with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 660

You deserved it 257

By Ropebunnbon - 15/08/2018 13:00

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 618

You deserved it 1 325

Swindler's List

By whoneedsloveanyway - 21/06/2020 02:01

Today, I found out that my fiancé has a list with every woman he slept. Chronologically. I'm number 23, out of 27. Our wedding is in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 201

Don't touch my stuff

By Anonymous - 08/07/2020 08:02

Today, I found out where all my favourite things have been disappearing to: the garbage bin, one item at a time, courtesy of my girlfriend, who it seems wants me in a suit reading the Financial Times on a Saturday, instead of my favourite Jedi dressing gown reading Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 128

You deserved it 672

Relaxed

By Craptastic - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 176

You deserved it 834

Spoke too soon

By Lily Cakes - 19/10/2018 20:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching a TV show with my 7-year-old niece. A scene came on where the main character was being tortured, and the one torturing him said, "I'm gonna make you scream." Without hesitating, I said, "Oh, kinky." My niece turned to me and asked, "What does kinky mean?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 5 121

Good guys

By Raquel - 14/12/2021 08:01

Today, I found out my husband was having an affair with his coworker. When I had a talk with him about it, his response in all seriousness was, “Lose that weight that you didn’t have before and I’ll stop fucking her.” I’d gained weight giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 198

You deserved it 373

By Lisa - 09/11/2018 07:00 - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 165

You deserved it 341

By thesaddestsoup - 02/02/2017 20:00 - Macedonia - Stip

Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 604

You deserved it 1 367

Christmas is dangerous

By LondonTor - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 325

You deserved it 264

Don't attempt this at home

By they have no sense of humor - 28/04/2023 18:00

Today, in an attempt to win a political argument, I recorded myself walking into a gun store and asking which gun would be best to hypothetically deal with my neighbor's annoying kids. I now have a recording of myself being chewed out, banned for life, and perp-walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 2 148

By Stargirl - 28/02/2017 07:00 - United States - Modesto

Today, in an attempt to support and encourage my efforts in getting a new job, my boyfriend said, "Imagine having triple what's in your bank account right now!" Triple what's in my bank account right now would be exactly $38.94. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 037

You deserved it 753

By Ferniferousfern - 06/03/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend of several years outright refuses to come to my best friend's wedding, on the grounds he'll be "bored". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 244

You deserved it 451

By CH - 07/12/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 700

You deserved it 41 172

Thanks, now **** off

By Dry - 18/03/2017 16:00

Today, after moving into my new house, my partner's father came to give us his old sofa. Now, an hour before he has to leave, he's half-completed 3 DIY jobs we didn't want done in the first place, and smashed my water inlet pipe. I have no water and a destroyed kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 924

You deserved it 443

Time to relax

By Calimero - 26/04/2019 02:00

Today, I forked over a hefty sum to stay the night in a beautiful, luxurious hotel room, because back home I have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night yet. Never would I have imagined I would be staying directly next to the town nightclub. I'm still awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 1 243

By ThatOneGuy - 28/04/2019 16:00

Today I went on a date with my long time crush only to find out that we are distant cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 588

You deserved it 244

Work sux

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor had said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 436

You deserved it 929

By starstruck - 20/11/2009 09:36 - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 372

You deserved it 18 072

DELETE! DELETE!

By mako - 26/05/2017 02:00

Today, I sent my mom a link to a news article via Facebook. Immediately after sending, however, I noticed I had forgotten to copy the news article's link, and what I had sent instead was the last thing I had copied and pasted: a porn link. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 878

You deserved it 6 600

By MikeA - 09/06/2017 12:00

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 506

You deserved it 2 144

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The Top

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 627

You deserved it 120 329

Today, I found out that I'm not actually pregnant. I've apparently been having a hysterical pregnancy because I want a child so badly. I don't know which was worse, the look of relief on my husband's face or having to send a mass email to inform my family and friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 084

You deserved it 9 177

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 003

You deserved it 5 570

Today, I decided to confront my friend who has been stealing from me for months. She denied it, while wearing a pair of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 155

You deserved it 4 438

Today, I was sending intimate pictures to my girlfriend and accidentally sent one to my best friend. He sent me one back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 685

You deserved it 35 886

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121 979

You deserved it 39 771