Today, my tonsils swelled to roughly the size of golf balls. My mom refuses to take me to the hospital because she's convinced I got it from kissing someone, and until I "fess up", she's not budging. FML

by Eden / 07/14/2011 at 4:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, my friends and I went to the park for some planking. Trying to find a daring spot, I climbed a tree and laid down on a branch. While I was waiting for my friends to take a picture, the branch gave out. FML

by Stephanie / 07/14/2011 at 3:17pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

by stephiew / 07/13/2011 at 11:15pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I was walking down the street hand in hand with my girlfriend. I couldn't help but stare at a gorgeous girl as she bent down to pick something up. It was such a great sight, I didn't notice the metal telephone pole directly in my path. FML

by sorehead / 07/13/2011 at 12:02pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2011 at 9:31am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML

by Username / 07/11/2011 at 6:23pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML

by Username / 07/11/2011 at 1:42pm / United States / Health

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

by muffintop / 07/10/2011 at 10:34pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2011 at 7:51pm / United States / Health

Today, I was tanning by the pool. My friend put his arms under my back and knees and picked me up. He threw me across the kiddy pool to my boyfriend, shouting "Catch!" My boyfriend didn't catch me. Instead of a tan, I have a huge bruise. FML

by ilovedirt / 07/09/2011 at 11:12pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

by meggiemouse / 07/09/2011 at 2:00pm / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

by phillij2 / 07/08/2011 at 8:03pm / United States / Health

Today, after weeks of drinking my mom's vodka and replacing it with water, it now only tastes like water. She has a habit of drinking on Fridays. Today is Friday. My life is a ticking time bomb. FML

by UhOh / 07/08/2011 at 4:38pm / United States (Arizona) / Health