By Anonymous

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1066

You deserved it

571

Favorite

Too much meat on my hands

Thanks for all the help

Seize the means of production

By catgirl911 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15118

You deserved it

25033

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5438

You deserved it

377

Favorite

By Noname - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said "no". Then she started to eat the dessert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

88667

You deserved it

5399

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I went to a bingo club with my gran and won the second game and a butthurt old lady accused me of cheating. I ended up being taken aside by an apologetic member of staff and asked to leave. I'm still trying to figure out how you can even cheat at bingo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21807

You deserved it

1432

Favorite

By Katt - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend on the lobby's couch. We were not paying attention to anything but each other. Apparently, someone tied our shoes together. I stood up and faceplanted into a pool table. I'm now missing two teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12671

You deserved it

6849

Favorite

By Axlgrows

Today, a friend admitted that the reason I got the nickname Axl is because I was an A cup with XL underwear. I guess I should be called Axxl now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9341

You deserved it

1606

Favorite

By Anonymous - Ireland - Kilkelly

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28887

You deserved it

1670

Favorite

By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 08:01

Run, run away pronto

Today, my fiancé yelled at me after I got off the phone with my friends, because I said I hadn't felt this happy and hadn't laughed this much in a long time. He was also mad that I didn't cook him dinner. He didn't ask me to cook dinner for him. He then told me to go somewhere else if I'm not happy with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1079

You deserved it

156

Favorite

By Username - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26940

You deserved it

3610

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, we finally got our first electricity bill for our new flat. I was shocked to see that we had used £60 worth of electricity in 6 weeks. Then I noticed that it was only an estimate, and that we could read the meter ourselves to correct the amount. We now have to pay nearly £400. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27874

You deserved it

7755

Favorite

By rickjameson - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13077

You deserved it

1012

Favorite

By properpissed - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35362

You deserved it

10120

Favorite

By embareassed - United States

Today, I was riding my dorm elevator from the 5th floor to the 1st by myself. Since the elevator is really slow, I pulled my pants and underwear down just for kicks. Just then, the door opened to let a girl on at the 4th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6679

You deserved it

85646

Favorite

By DefinitelyNotDogshit - United States - Levittown

Today, I walked into my new office for the first time after receiving the promotion I've been trying for. Someone took a dump on my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49579

You deserved it

3653

Favorite

By Wheresthecreamfilling

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11017

You deserved it

1858

Favorite

By BadKneeBackAndSinuses

Today, I found out I have to have an operation. This will be the third in 3 years, all for completely unrelated reasons. I'm only 26 and apparently my body is already falling apart at the seams. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2739

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 23:01

Sounds reasonable

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1094

You deserved it

1631

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my insanely religious 60-year-old neighbor screamed at me when I left my home to go to work. I was wearing jeans and that’s apparently improper for a female adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4410

You deserved it

306

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 14:00

Lightweight

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

I agree, your life sucks

996

You deserved it

379

Favorite

By jane - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33346

You deserved it

11404

Favorite

By forreal

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1801

You deserved it

346

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42840

You deserved it

31757

Favorite

By onefmlafteranother

Vicious dog

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1588

You deserved it

538

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29424

You deserved it

14941

Favorite

By bobbies - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

55549

You deserved it

5945

Favorite

By Bruce - 23/1/2021 11:01 - United States - Falls Church

New depths

Today, my sump pump stopped working so I called a plumber to fix it. It took two seconds for him to simply plug it back in. Cost me $75 for the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks

307

You deserved it

830

Favorite

By sdasdflkjas - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65002

You deserved it

6338

Favorite

By TheAngryBird - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29302

You deserved it

2694

Favorite

By Ihatebuses

Today, while getting on a city bus, I sat down on a urine-soaked seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3770

You deserved it

310

Favorite

By clitorasaurus - Canada

Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21560

You deserved it

32922

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28048

You deserved it

6120

Favorite

By Mack - Canada

Today, I was at the book store when a book caught my eye: Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. I wanted to look through the book but I was too nervous to pick it up, thinking everyone in the store would look at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34538

You deserved it

6115

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32466

You deserved it

5651

Favorite

By janie - United States

Today, I was sexiled. So that my roommate and the boy who I confessed my love to two days before could hook up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30537

You deserved it

2385

Favorite

By thanksdad - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46715

You deserved it

6262

Favorite

By AloneAtPerkins - 14/6/2020 05:04

Forever alone, forever

Today, I realized that I've only had 3 men show interest in me: A blind man, a drunk, and a guy so desperate, he's been trying for over 5 years of solid "No"s. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1192

You deserved it

331

Favorite

By ai_lauren - United States - Bayonne

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36703

You deserved it

3076

Favorite

By browngirl - Canada - Vernon

Today, at work, a lady came in to have her glasses fixed. When she opened her case, an earwig crawled out. Instead of trying to kill it, she just left it and watched as it crawled over my desk and behind my computer. I later found the earwig in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45773

You deserved it

4939

Favorite

By Buggga - Australia

Today, I was instructed to shave my back in preperation for my first tattoo. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39997

You deserved it

12545

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24464

You deserved it

3923

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Weslea Sanchez | 12

#7851768 - Thursday 17 October 2019 4:30

maybe the desk is just weak

By RichardPencil | 29

#7851795 - Thursday 17 October 2019 7:33

Good thing you didn't put your whole ass on the desk. It probably would've exploded!

COMMENTS

By shannon2348 | 14

#7851748 - Thursday 17 October 2019 1:10

the weight of your leg? wouldn't that be the weight of all of you?

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7851753 - Thursday 17 October 2019 1:43

he put his leg up on it.

By Weslea Sanchez | 12

#7851768 - Thursday 17 October 2019 4:30

maybe the desk is just weak

By RichardPencil | 29

#7851795 - Thursday 17 October 2019 7:33

Good thing you didn't put your whole ass on the desk. It probably would've exploded!

Wadlaen | 19

#7851887 - Thursday 17 October 2019 13:59

The ass..?😕

chyiochan | 31

#7851946 - Thursday 17 October 2019 18:09

(Pssst...It's a fart joke!)

By PirateSnozzle | 8

#7852233 - Friday 18 October 2019 18:55

What were you doing that involved having your leg on the desk eh? ;)