By Anonymous

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1060

You deserved it

565

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Caught red-handed

RIP in peace

One law for me…

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46197

You deserved it

2860

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By CiaoBella

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13400

You deserved it

2699

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By Jeff - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11922

You deserved it

41617

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By Chandra - Canada - Brampton

Thank God it's Monday tomorrow

Today, I had to pee at work. I ended up using all the toilet paper. When I opened the door to leave, a dude was waiting to use the washroom. I told him there was no more toilet paper. He goes, “You finished all of it?” I panicked and said, “No, I didn’t use any!” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1480

You deserved it

559

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By NewMom

Today, there was a baby shower for our first child. My hostess invited 75 people. Only 3 people showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4378

You deserved it

432

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14040

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1586

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By don't get paid enough for this - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29290

You deserved it

2167

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37133

You deserved it

3437

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By ChampionshipVinyl - Canada - Orangeville

Today, I came home from work to find my kids playing Frisbee with my collection of rare, valuable vinyl records. The term "smash hit record" took on a whole new meaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29379

You deserved it

2869

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By Ham - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the 2nd time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3509

You deserved it

222

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By Aliiveopen - 24/8/2020 07:02 - United States - Wasilla

Demon drink

Today, my mom got blackout drunk and tried to fight me, my stepdad, and my brother, resulting in my stepdad leaving, my brother getting 2 holes from a metal shelf my mom tried to joust him with, and I got bit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1432

You deserved it

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By Chewy - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45394

You deserved it

4229

Favorite

By luroluro - United States

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30318

You deserved it

3109

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By Crispy - United States

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17187

You deserved it

45993

Favorite

By madbirthdaymomma - United States - Roswell

Today, I was hosting my daughter's thirteenth birthday party. One parent decided to stay at my house, the only parent to do so. The entire night she critiqued every decision I made, from the films to the cake. When it was time to open presents, her kid was the only one without one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52676

You deserved it

4325

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34157

You deserved it

5527

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By expassword - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34003

You deserved it

3705

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By allidoiswrkwrkwrknomttrwht - this FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Stay at home

Today, I found out my request to have off on Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years was denied, because I work the evening shift every year on Thanksgiving and that's convenient for everyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12028

You deserved it

766

Favorite

By Anonymous - Russian Federation

Today, at my job in a chemists, I had a customer ask me which acne cream I would recommend. I picked up the brand I use and told her that I've been using it for a year now. After pausing to stare at my face for a second, she thanked me and picked up the competing brand instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44917

You deserved it

5696

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By scarredforlife - United States - Bethesda

Today, I realized why my sister refuses to let me clean her side of the room. She's secretly been trying to revive dead ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26742

You deserved it

1862

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37362

You deserved it

13900

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By Anonymous

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43041

You deserved it

4352

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33848

You deserved it

4327

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By Julie is in pain - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26076

You deserved it

2445

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12549

You deserved it

1750

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By BrakesNotBumpers - United States - Reading

Today, I was rear-ended. While I was yelling, "WHAT THE F..." the lady who hit me completely freaked out and drove into me again. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28905

You deserved it

2397

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By LowOnGas

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1564

You deserved it

1005

Favorite

By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

I agree, your life sucks

54454

You deserved it

4615

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By Rekt - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9674

You deserved it

733

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By Anonymous - United States - Jackson

Today, a woman came into my life and took all I had left in the world. The woman was my hair stylist. She took my hair and the last of my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6732

You deserved it

1683

Favorite

By Rakoric

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4742

You deserved it

399

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By fmfl - United States

Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38161

You deserved it

13086

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By wtfisthisworldcomingto

Today, I was mugged. The guy mugging me was eating a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37341

You deserved it

7354

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By jwolt92 - United States - Bourbonnais

Today, I felt something wet and warm on my arm. I looked down and saw a kid with his mouth attached to my arm. Didn't expect that out of a third grader. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9520

You deserved it

686

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By A Henderson - United States

Today, I had to explain to a potential client that I wouldn't represent him, because suing his neighbor for calling him a pansy would get us laughed out of court and likely get me disbarred. His response was to get violent and threaten to sue me for violating his civil rights. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27060

You deserved it

2234

Favorite

By LZapped - United States - Mundelein

Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29194

You deserved it

5282

Favorite

By Lesser spotted female gaming nerd - United States - Arlington

Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23909

You deserved it

6886

Favorite

By iamsolid - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25824

You deserved it

1723

Favorite

By fattie4life - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my little sister as she explained that all these guys like her now that she's so skinny and beautiful. My mom must have overheard me tell my sister that at least I was a cuter child, because my mom laughed and said, "Yeah right, we had to buy you fat kid diapers." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42050

You deserved it

8045

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/3/2020 02:04 - United States - Houston

Fundies say the darndest things

Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1550

You deserved it

206

Favorite

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Top comments

By Weslea Sanchez | 12

#7851768 - Thursday 17 October 2019 4:30

maybe the desk is just weak

By RichardPencil | 28

#7851795 - Thursday 17 October 2019 7:33

Good thing you didn't put your whole ass on the desk. It probably would've exploded!

COMMENTS

By shannon2348 | 14

#7851748 - Thursday 17 October 2019 1:10

the weight of your leg? wouldn't that be the weight of all of you?

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7851753 - Thursday 17 October 2019 1:43

he put his leg up on it.

By Weslea Sanchez | 12

#7851768 - Thursday 17 October 2019 4:30

maybe the desk is just weak

By RichardPencil | 28

#7851795 - Thursday 17 October 2019 7:33

Good thing you didn't put your whole ass on the desk. It probably would've exploded!

Wadlaen | 19

#7851887 - Thursday 17 October 2019 13:59

The ass..?😕

chyiochan | 30

#7851946 - Thursday 17 October 2019 18:09

(Pssst...It's a fart joke!)

By PirateSnozzle | 8

#7852233 - Friday 18 October 2019 18:55

What were you doing that involved having your leg on the desk eh? ;)