Geek: Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view...

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML

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Geek

There's no helping some people

Empathy lives

Messed up

By I tried

Lockdown is driving us down

Today, my husband went on a tirade, accusing me of bullying and being too hard on our kids. Apparently, I’m taking this homeschool thing too serious, and I need to cut them a break. All I did was make them write their letters and numbers on paper instead of just using their tablets. Yeah, real mean. FML

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By M.L. - United States

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

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By Dummy

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

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By ugh - United States

Smooth talker

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

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By boopingsnoot - United States - Nashville

Today, at the dentist, I was just supposed to get three small cavities filled. I walked out with a referral slip for the endodontist. Hello, root canal. Fuck you, genetics. FML

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By UN4 - United States

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

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By embarrassed girl - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML

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By quackers - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Because I'm worth it

Today, a mother wrote me a $130 check for babysitting her four kids for a few hours. Trying to be gracious, I said, "Wow, thank you, this is very generous!" She thought for a minute, then said, "You're right." She took the check back, ripped it up, and wrote me a new one for $55. FML

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By newswithabitofbite - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

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By SickandTired - Australia

Today, I went to work despite having a nasty cold. I didn't call up sick because last week when I called in, my boss said I was being "unprofessional and unacceptable." My boss sent me home with a written warning today, claiming that coming to work sick was "unprofessional and unacceptable." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By Vandrefalk - Norway

Today, I got myself an organ donor card, just to feel wanted. FML

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By Lindsay - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

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By esoog - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By Az - United States - Dallas

Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML

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By treehugger - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By miseventshappen - United States

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

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By oh no - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

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By backwardsinlife - United States

Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML

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By Ellen - United States

Today, I learned that you should always make sure the car is in 'park' before you get it on wildly in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By mandosfriend - United States - Pomona

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

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By sy123 - United States - Frankfort

Today, I had an ovarian cyst rupture at work, causing sudden severe stomach cramps; this caused my bowels to release everything right then and there, while on the phone with a customer, in the middle of the call center surrounded by 200 other sales reps. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ocoee

Today, I was talking to people around school to make new friends. I met an amazing guy and we really hit it off. He was fantastic in every way, but decided to end our conversation with, "We shall meet in the afterlife!" I don't know if I should be scared or not. FML

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By eyes wide SHIT - Australia

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

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By CaptBlood - 21/5/2021 00:01

Action - Reaction

Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML

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By reisz618

Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML

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By oface13 - United States

Today, I held up my best friend with a lighter shaped like a gun, and jokingly accused him of sleeping with my wife, only to have him admit that he really did. FML

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By Anonymous

Complete mockery

Today, the people in my class wondered why I seem to avoid them. The same people who call me a creep and hide when they see me in public because of my disability. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 08:01

Medicare For All

Today, it's Mother’s Day. It's also the day I’m expected to pay a very large medical bill due to my miscarriage of twin babies. FML

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By Anonymous

Crossed Wires

Today, while on Grindr, I saw that this guy I'm friends with and have liked for a while now had messaged me. I got all excited, just for it to be a picture of him flipping me off. FML

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By cyprianista - United States - Houston

Today, I spent an ungodly amount of money to send my long-distance boyfriend a giant bouquet of roses for Valentine's Day. A few hours after making the non-refundable payment, he let me know we weren't going to work out, and that he was already sleeping with someone else. FML

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By gassy - United States - Kirkland

Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML

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By handyjon - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

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By hatinthelife - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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By Jacobro - United States

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

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Top comments

By JKPwnage | 25

#6148956 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:20

You should unfriend all 20 of them

By Mirorbo | 26

#6148984 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:27

I'll never understand why family thinks it's okay to perform a blow like that.

COMMENTS

By JKPwnage | 25

#6148956 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:20

You should unfriend all 20 of them

jthmtwin | 16

#6149088 - Saturday 20 December 2014 8:23

If OP is really upset by it she should see where her friends and family's humor is, mine would have said the same thing and I would have laughed

Ki11erC | 18

#6150314 - Sunday 21 December 2014 17:48

Parties, you must be fun at them.

By izzybell21 | 16

#6148969 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:23

That sucks op! Maybe he was just kidding?

kaablam | 17

#6148975 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:24

Jokes hurt too.

By AnonPotato | 16

#6148971 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:23

It was a joke. Don't take it harshly.

By eyebrowzzz | 21

#6148972 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:23

now post revenge pics of all of them

Soloman212 | 28

#6149519 - Saturday 20 December 2014 23:12

I don't think OP gets around quite that much, or at least I hope they don't..

By jbombdighetty | 11

#6148973 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:24

that sounds sexy.

IvyOswin | 17

#6149071 - Saturday 20 December 2014 7:32

To each his own then.

By Flowtastic | 16

#6148974 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:24

Haha... That's actually a pretty witty comment.

Don't take it so hard. He's probably just trying to play it down because he wants to be the only man in your life still... Always daddys little girl...

By fallen_dragonkin | 12

#6148979 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:26

unfriend the lot of them. seriously.

Flowtastic | 16

#6148991 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:31

Yeah who wants friends with a sense of humor!

kerstileann | 26

#6149065 - Saturday 20 December 2014 7:23

I know i dont! i want friends to be as humorless and dry as i am! Because i cant take a joke neither shall they!

Astrum14 | 24

#6149185 - Saturday 20 December 2014 12:47

Keep the friends, but unfriend the father. It's fine to laugh at something that's funny, but being a dick isn't acceptable.

By Mirorbo | 26

#6148984 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:27

I'll never understand why family thinks it's okay to perform a blow like that.

By aimzskee | 30

#6148986 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:29

I wouldn't worry Op. I'm sure your friends only liked it cause your dad said it.

By A07 | 48

#6148987 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:29

Dad jokes are evolving.

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#6148993 - Saturday 20 December 2014 5:33

I don't know if this is an improvement from "Hi, hungry! I'm dad." Can't beat a classic, but seeing as on Facebook, 20+ people can openly appreciate that dad humor makes a pretty strong argument.