Miscellaneous: Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight,...

By legitweirdo - United States - Brooklyn

Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight, the guy sitting next to me picked an eyelash he found on my face, stared at it for a few seconds, and stuck it in his mouth. FML

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Miscellaneous

Walk on the wild side

Too clever

Friend's best friend

By EnglishLearner - Switzerland - Mannedorf

Today, I had to present a program to my supervisors in University. Not being a native English speaker, I used my own invented abbreviations for parameters in the program. Apparently STD is not an appropriate abbreviation for "standard deviation." I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By PollingLow - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By BustedEgo - United States - Norway

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

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By WTF - United States

Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website. FML

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34865

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

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30271

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By unsuspcted - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

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14906

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By idk - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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By FMBs - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Don't listen to Cosmo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

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By Sessionsjc - United States - Boca Raton

Today, during my run through a nature preserve, I rounded the corner to a pair of legs sticking out on the trail. My first thought was that someone was hurt, but as I got closer I realized it was one guy blowing another on the side of the trail. I had to jump over his legs. FML

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5428

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By thankskimi - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

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By Dammit Brain - 22/10/2020 20:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Bad date

Today, I went on a lunch date with a guy I used to work with. When the conversation got dry, I asked him if he went by “Chris” or “Christopher” these days. His name is Daniel. My brain knew my mistake as I said it. Just when I thought the silence couldn’t get more awkward. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom about the severe phobia I've developed towards driving. She was very supportive and even made me an appointment to see a psychologist. His office is two hours away. I have to drive to see my doctor about my fear of driving. FML

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26593

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By littlepeepboo

You want a piece of me?

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I won $5000 dollars from a lottery ticket and tried giving the man next to me a high five. He had no hands. FML

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By sicky - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I learned that I have a sinus infection, ear infection and bronchitis so bad it was on the verge of pneumonia. My work won't let me call in sick. I work with kids. Lovely. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML

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14268

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By -1 Pair of Pants - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

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22356

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

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By Murphy

Today, I bought ingredients for one of my favorite meals and went home to take a nap. When I woke up, my sister had cooked them for everyone else in the house, who ate it all without me. I was told that I shouldn't be angry, but instead proud of my adult sister because, "She cooked!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By stuckhome - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

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By noiguessitsbroken :( - Lithuania - Kaunas

Today, I asked my mum why she never had any children after me. She scoffed and asked if I've looked in a mirror lately. FML

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By IHateMyLife - United States - Fallbrook

Today, I received a compliment for the first time from a girl. She told me she admires my courage to go out in public since most ugly people don't like to. FML

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26738

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By NoLife - United States

Today, I purposely went offline on Facebook chat, just so people would think I actually have a life. FML

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By Pang

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By missmcfarty - Australia - Townsville

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went shopping with my Mom. I ran into my crush. A school dance is soon and he WAS just about to ask something but my mom glanced over and yelled "TAMPONS OR PADS, SWEETIE?!" He then changed his question to "Haha, so which?" And before I could say a word, my mother answered for me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother and I saw a stall selling colourful treats at the shopping centre. Some were placed on small dishes, so we thought we'd sample their goods. Turns out that the colourful goodies that we'd bit into were very creative pieces of soap. FML

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By billjoebob424 - Canada

My pleasure

Today, I've realised that I give my girlfriend more pleasure with back rubs than with anything sexual. FML

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By cjy152 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By bakingwomannnnnnnn - United States - Redding

Today, I was cussed out by a customer who was unhappy, and he asked to speak with my manager. When I told him I owned the store, he said that that was the problem. Apparently women are "too flaky" to run a bakery properly. FML

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By itsellie27 - United Kingdom - London

Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML

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By thisshtissad

Travel away from the sadness

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

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By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

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878

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By UniGrad2019 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

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By Anna - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

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19211

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By toad - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

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By mariana - Canada - Toronto

Today, I decided to ask the guy I like if he'll be my Valentine. I wrote the question on a piece of paper and passed it to him, trying to be cute. He read it, wrote his answer with a smile, and passed it back. It said, "Depends, do you swallow?" No, no I don't. FML

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Top comments

By talloctopus | 7

#5313985 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

Hope he made a wish first.

By pinkpixie06 | 11

#5313980 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:58

Ugh...*heebie jeebie dance*

COMMENTS

By pinkpixie06 | 11

#5313980 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:58

Ugh...*heebie jeebie dance*

onlychildFTW | 33

#5314030 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:12

He's a creeper.

etchsanity1 | 11

#5314377 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 14:28

At least he didn't put it in a little Baggie and save for a hair doll

Catkam623 | 27

#5314405 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 14:49

Well at least he didn't stare at your chest for a while then say he's praying for turbulence,

poccocurantes | 7

#5314548 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 16:36

Yes, I remember you OP. I ate your eyelash with a bag of roasted peanuts and a tiny little bottle of chianti.

ZombieSnoopy | 9

#5315071 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 23:01

I bet OP thought he'd be all romantic and be like "make a wish"

By _VAL3NT1NA_ | 6

#5313983 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

O_O Whoa there!!

zandalee | 19

#5314102 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:03

He likes you! He really likes you!

geko911 | 22

#5314252 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 12:49

40- And who exactly likes 2?

kevsandy303 | 12

#5314905 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 21:28

I do! Who doesn't love three creepy well-dressed men in masks?

ttqq | 7

#5314975 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 22:18

I know i do!

willou35_fml | 13

#5322561 - Sunday 13 January 2013 23:26

haha

By talloctopus | 7

#5313985 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

Hope he made a wish first.

Stefan1994 | 7

#5314033 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:13

The wish is the only reason I walk around taking others eye lashes

Nekogami | 14

#5314110 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:10

I think he wished to eat more of op. if you know what I mean. :P

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5314121 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:29

Maybe he wished for more eyelashes

By sugarshane007 | 20

#5313986 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:00

Everyone needs a good creeper to make their trip unforgettable.

annie_nk | 22

#5314058 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:23

Does a wannabe gangster staring at you the entire red eye flight count?

EsotericBrent | 29

#5315764 - Wednesday 9 January 2013 7:04

4 - About time they got some recognition.

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5313987 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:00

Your eye is no longer on him, it's IN him.
Run, run to the bathroom and stay there. o_O

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5314000 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

I sense my comment was a miss...

sugarshane007 | 20

#5314004 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:05

It wasn't a total miss... until now!!

YourEvilHero | 12

#5314103 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:04

he swallowed her eye?

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5313993 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:01

Some people on air planes just aren't totally right in the head

sugarshane007 | 20

#5313998 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

You might even say that their head is in the clouds!

ctdawes | 3

#5314057 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:22

some people everywhere aren't right in the head..

By Grootensliven | 10

#5313994 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:02

I wonder what else his habits have made him eat?

jtthegr8 | 26

#5314008 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:06

At least he didn't pick op's nose and eat it ._.

pieman528 | 10

#5314157 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 11:25

That's the next step in this one sided relationship

By insaneDONUTZ | 15

#5313995 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:02

that is just freaky

By DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5313999 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

Was it still connected to your eye?

DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5314018 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:08

Misread the FML. FML Gods, please take mercy on me!

By yoursucklives | 36

#5314001 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

oh wow. it was creepy enough that he touched your face, but the fact that he stuck it in his face makes it even worse. fyl

yoursucklives | 36

#5314005 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:05

his mouth, not his face, sorry.