Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight,...

By legitweirdo - 8/1/2013 04:16 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, within the first 15 minutes of a nonstop 8-hour flight, the guy sitting next to me picked an eyelash he found on my face, stared at it for a few seconds, and stuck it in his mouth. FML

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Miscellaneous

Nice neighborhood

Banished

Insane parents

By straightasaneedle - 2/2/2011 17:11 - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By guest - 18/11/2011 05:54 - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 20:27 - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

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By ugh - 19/1/2011 19:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend spent an hour lecturing me on how I need to ask for what I want. So I asked him to delete a crappy picture he'd taken of me the night before. His response: "No, you don't always get what you want." FML

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By kareed3 - 19/7/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

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By Sad - 28/4/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, my house got broken into. My brand new laptop was stolen, along with my flatscreen TV, digital camera, external hard drive and some clothes. Wanting to drown my sorrows in the Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream in the freezer, I opened the door to find that it too had been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 01:56 - United States

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I hear "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

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By Ashamed - 20/4/2012 07:34 - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2014 18:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, as I came home from school, I saw a little rock in the road. I kicked it, intending to send it sailing into the bushes in front of my house. It went wide and sailed straight into a window instead. FML

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By anon - 31/7/2015 20:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML

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By jbthedude - 5/8/2011 09:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that airbags aren't nearly as comfy as they look. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:01 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was speeding home, bursting to take a crap. I pulled into my driveway and made it inside, before my wife told me the plumber was still working on our pipes. I ended up having to take a crap in my own backyard, behind a tree. FML

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By EpicFail - 17/1/2009 15:49 - United States

Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

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By hatemylifelol - 8/1/2016 20:33 - United States - Roseville

Today, I noticed I parked behind a boy I like. Trying to impress him with my driving skills, I ended up forgetting to put the car in reverse and rear-ended him. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 02:01

Gas giant

Today, I tend to get bloated in the afternoons when I suffer from stress. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I'm seriously considering buying maternity pants, because not even my stretchiest sweat pants will fit me after 4 p.m. FML

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By Why - 29/1/2016 22:53

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

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By strangely - 25/7/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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By HarleyGirl - 25/4/2017 18:00 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML

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By firstdategoals - 8/6/2015 03:35 - United States

Today, I went on my very first date. We went out to eat dinner and everything went great! Afterwards, I went to drop him back off at his house. I backed out of his driveway and got stuck in a ditch. His dad had to come out and tow me out. So that's how I met my boyfriend's parents. FML

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By LuckyLoser9 - 3/11/2011 15:44 - United States

Today, I found out that absentmindedly correcting my boss' use of the word "whom" could result in my immediate termination. FML

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By jobless - 10/11/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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By sickened - 21/9/2014 18:23 - United Kingdom - Gateshead

Today, I had a garage sale, and had amongst my clothing a few sets of underwear. A old man came up and asked to buy all of them. I'm so poor, I couldn't say no to the pervert. FML

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By sadparty - 6/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

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By Very Divorced - 10/10/2018 20:00 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is cheating on me with not one, not two, but nine girls. How he did it, I don't even know. How I found out? I was coming into my room to surprise him for his birthday and saw him having a threesome. We have kids. FML

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By what did I do? - 15/10/2015 19:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She slapped me in the face, stormed out and won't answer my calls. What the hell? FML

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By Flavorite - 10/2/2009 19:35 - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By thissucks - 1/3/2009 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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By Brightbulb - 16/11/2017 23:00 - United States

Today, I went to work feeling great. I'd just paid off my student loans and was planning a trip to see friends in Italy. I left work unemployed because a fraud case I exposed 3 years ago got the company sued for slander. It was thrown out because everything was fact. FML

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By syle - 13/11/2008 06:51 - France

Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML

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By LikeAndreTheGiant - 13/2/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

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By Herbiee - 18/8/2010 12:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

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By mike - 10/7/2013 07:51 - United States

Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 22:54 - United States - Stockton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 10:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

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By PositiveElectron - 27/8/2015 19:52 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

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By riptoofie - 16/1/2010 21:36 - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

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By monkeywrench - 30/8/2015 11:29 - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By JohnB - 20/10/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I ordered an xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

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Top comments

By talloctopus | 7

#5313985 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

Hope he made a wish first.

By pinkpixie06 | 11

#5313980 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:58

Ugh...*heebie jeebie dance*

COMMENTS

By pinkpixie06 | 11

#5313980 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:58

Ugh...*heebie jeebie dance*

onlychildFTW | 33

#5314030 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:12

He's a creeper.

etchsanity1 | 11

#5314377 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 14:28

At least he didn't put it in a little Baggie and save for a hair doll

Catkam623 | 27

#5314405 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 14:49

Well at least he didn't stare at your chest for a while then say he's praying for turbulence,

poccocurantes | 7

#5314548 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 16:36

Yes, I remember you OP. I ate your eyelash with a bag of roasted peanuts and a tiny little bottle of chianti.

ZombieSnoopy | 9

#5315071 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 23:01

I bet OP thought he'd be all romantic and be like "make a wish"

By _VAL3NT1NA_ | 6

#5313983 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

O_O Whoa there!!

zandalee | 19

#5314102 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:03

He likes you! He really likes you!

geko911 | 22

#5314252 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 12:49

40- And who exactly likes 2?

kevsandy303 | 12

#5314905 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 21:28

I do! Who doesn't love three creepy well-dressed men in masks?

ttqq | 7

#5314975 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 22:18

I know i do!

willou35_fml | 13

#5322561 - Sunday 13 January 2013 23:26

haha

By talloctopus | 7

#5313985 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 8:59

Hope he made a wish first.

Stefan1994 | 7

#5314033 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:13

The wish is the only reason I walk around taking others eye lashes

Nekogami | 14

#5314110 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:10

I think he wished to eat more of op. if you know what I mean. :P

TheRandomIndian | 17

#5314121 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:29

Maybe he wished for more eyelashes

By sugarshane007 | 20

#5313986 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:00

Everyone needs a good creeper to make their trip unforgettable.

annie_nk | 22

#5314058 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:23

Does a wannabe gangster staring at you the entire red eye flight count?

EsotericBrent | 29

#5315764 - Wednesday 9 January 2013 7:04

4 - About time they got some recognition.

By BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5313987 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:00

Your eye is no longer on him, it's IN him.
Run, run to the bathroom and stay there. o_O

BntyHntrSeattle | 30

#5314000 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

I sense my comment was a miss...

sugarshane007 | 20

#5314004 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:05

It wasn't a total miss... until now!!

YourEvilHero | 12

#5314103 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 10:04

he swallowed her eye?

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5313993 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:01

Some people on air planes just aren't totally right in the head

sugarshane007 | 20

#5313998 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

You might even say that their head is in the clouds!

ctdawes | 3

#5314057 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:22

some people everywhere aren't right in the head..

By Grootensliven | 10

#5313994 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:02

I wonder what else his habits have made him eat?

jtthegr8 | 26

#5314008 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:06

At least he didn't pick op's nose and eat it ._.

pieman528 | 10

#5314157 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 11:25

That's the next step in this one sided relationship

By insaneDONUTZ | 15

#5313995 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:02

that is just freaky

By DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5313999 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

Was it still connected to your eye?

DEATHBYEX1LE | 11

#5314018 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:08

Misread the FML. FML Gods, please take mercy on me!

By yoursucklives | 36

#5314001 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:03

oh wow. it was creepy enough that he touched your face, but the fact that he stuck it in his face makes it even worse. fyl

yoursucklives | 36

#5314005 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 9:05

his mouth, not his face, sorry.