Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML
Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML
Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML
Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML
Today, I was pestering a co-worker, so she jokingly stated "I'll bury you!" and I replied "I'll bury your mom!". Her moms funeral was last week. FML
Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML
Today, while at work, I asked an older customer how he was doing. He told me that he'd just lost his wife. I gave my condolences before he clarified that his wife was not dead, but was lost in Walmart. FML
Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML
Today, I was at work, stocking shelves. A customer got mad because I was in the way of her "shopping time" and knocked down all the work I had done. FML
Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML
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Top comments
xlord 27
Can't go wrong with the classic shovel + u can use it to dig the hole. This all completely hypothetical of course!!!!
Soundslikeothers 15
Do you "hypothetically" call the police?
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Comments (131)
kost4060 14
Who cares get a gun some gloves a mop and silencer and he's all set
laden_swallow09 35
Firearms have serial numbers for just such an occasion , unless you can buy one from some hood rat with any numbers or discerning features filed completely off. Forensics can determine the serial from a damaged weapon if it's some two-bit rush job. And a "silencer"? You mean a suppressor? No such thing as a silencer. Even with a suppressor, it's still going to make a racket, albeit not nearly as harmful to your ears. Even so, do you have any earthly idea how difficult it is to find one? Even on the black market, they're hard to acquire. Amateur. Get out of Hollywood and do some real research. Gardening implements are the way to go.
KingLewisII 34
Wow someone's really thought this out ..
j_cat187 20
since serial numbers are stamped, it would be possible to read it no mater how much you do file it down.
mybubbles2000 13
#13- Are you really that stupid. You don't encourage someone to kill anyone.
Ceruleanst 5
For your Illustrated FML needs, just look up "Bruiser Do you do poison" on YouTube.
91hayek 31
Recommend something and then sell him a faulty item that would turn the wife's attempted murder into something comical and hilarious.
WhatsOpTic 11
Yes because I would be laughing and having a good time after my failed murder
xx000o 27
I would suggest the backyard wood chipper.
sdroze1389 31
I hear with ice picks you bleed in not out, a definite advantage for a domestic murder. still the classic spade shovel would still get my vote.
Enslaved 38
That guy got the wrong idea when told "You can do it, we can help".
cakefete2 31
That is genius level commenting right there. I laughed at the thought of the home depot being formally indicted as an accessory before the fact, then having to build their own prison, because the existing ones were too small.
5destroyer35 20
Wheelbarrow, all the way. Duct tape them to the bottom, fill with water, and viola, dead wife.
littlekellilee 45
That's either one big wheelbarrow or one small wife. Unless you taped her face down.
cakefete2 31
So... a viola is an instrument. You probably had it correct and auto correct tripped you up.
sdroze1389 31
#63 you only to submerge the head, a ten gallon bucket could do that. drowning seems smart because there would be no blood at the crime scene.
LexSwift 17
I would have said, "Hold on a minute, I'll go get something for you," left a co-worker with him, and called the police. That's not something to take lightly regardless if it's a joke or not, because that's not something to joke about in the first place. Things like that are not funny, because there are people who actually do crazy things like that.
DanielleinDC 34
Probably, but it would prevent OP from being considered an accessory before the fact if he reported that someone had asked about committing murder. And if something does happen to the guy's wife, he's the very first suspect because he asked a Home Depot employee about how to kill her. "Hypothetically" anyway.
cna1216 15
Dump him, honey.
mkm1387 2
dump who?
sdroze1389 31
how thoroughly did you read this one?
sdroze1389 31
#28 btw. sorry #30 that wasn't intended for you.
graceinsheepwear 34
He sure raked you in to that discussion.