Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into... - FML

By Stacy - 5/7/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while using the restroom at work, I dropped my keys into the toilet. I left to find something to get them out and figured nobody would use a toilet with keys in it. I came back to a bowl of dung and "Shit happens" written on the wall in lipstick. FML

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Great boyfriend

Rich people problems

Higher standards

By graduate - 6/6/2009 13:17 - United States

Today, I got a computer. When I opened it, I found out that my dad had made himself the administrator. He made it so everything shut off after 11 o'clock, and made it so I couldn't download anything without his password. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 02:12 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2017 20:00

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

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By Sharibabi65 - 7/3/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I texted her and I would never talk to her again. But I accidentally sent it to my other best friend, who responded, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out". My two best friends cheated with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2012 03:49 - United States - Moreland

Today, my future mother-in-law told me she thought I was severely allergic to cigarette smoke. That hasn't stopped her from chain-smoking around me for the last 3 years. FML

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By Janice - 3/1/2019 12:00

Today, while working as a bank teller, a woman came in with a $100k check. I commented, "Wow, I really could do with one of these!" She responded, "It's a life insurance check. I'd rather have my son back," and teared up in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 16:32 - Argentina

Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML

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By Perpetually F-ed. - 17/1/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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By p-man - 27/8/2009 07:34 - United States

Today, my friend and I went boating. In the middle of the lake, we decided to jump in. We put our valuables in the boat and jumped in. When I tried to get back in the boat, it flipped over, and our cellphones, along with my car keys, are at the bottom of the lake. FML

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By a person - 5/3/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

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By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/6/2020 02:02

Dietitian is the recognized title

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

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By future walmart employee - 21/5/2013 04:10 - United States - Clarendon Hills

Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML

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By catfriend - 6/5/2014 05:42 - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

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By furryballoon - 22/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 05:49 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

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By Disney dashed - 23/9/2019 00:01

Not so Magic Kingdom

Today, I fulfilled my lifelong dream of going on a family trip to Disneyland. Less than two hours in the park, my kids have been scared shitless by every single character, they don’t want to ride any rides, my husband is drunk and the mouse ears headband gave me a vomit-inducing migraine. FML

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By neverbeenkissed - 3/7/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML

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By anon - 27/3/2015 20:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while getting ready for a job interview, I sneezed while brushing my teeth, splattering toothpaste everywhere and ruining my brand new dress. FML

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By whoanoa - 10/3/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, I discovered that my mother uses my eyebrow tweezers to pull ticks off the dog. She also hasn't figured out that just dipping the tweezers in alcohol doesn't automatically sterilize them. Especially if there is icky dog hair still stuck on. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 05:55 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend shaving his pubic hair before we had sex. This would be fine, except he was saying "Nom nom nom, I eat cock hairs" to his electric razor. FML

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By John Nani - 25/12/2011 17:06 - United States

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2014 00:33 - United States - Durham

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 16:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 18:00

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

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By scarredforlife - 8/8/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, it was my mom's birthday, I planned to wish her a happy birthday as she woke up. I opened the door to her room only to see my dad dancing around in an American flag thong. Grimacing in pain I closed the door right away. Not only am I forever disturbed, but now my dad is asking me how he looks naked. FML

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By freed - 29/1/2014 05:13 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2010 08:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pull cheese out of my PS3's disc tray because my younger brother assumed all PS3's could grill stuff because "Youtube told him." FML

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By Skullie - 19/2/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

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By S. Dub - 10/4/2020 05:00

Acting is hard work

Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 17:01

Night terrors

Today, I woke up at night to go to the toilet. My Dad was doing his thing with the toilet door wide open. I saw, screamed at the top of my lungs and peed my pants in horror. Now my throat hurts and I'm too embarrassed to look at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2018 13:00 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2015 14:51 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 23:01

Like the beginning of a porno

Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2012 17:01 - United States - Portland

Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 08:03 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

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By poor guy - 13/3/2020 05:16 - United States

Good deed, but still…

Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML

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By CODgirl102 - 16/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Palm Bay

Today, I decided to confront my friend who has been stealing from me for months. She denied it, while wearing a pair of my pants. FML

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Top comments

By LadyClarik | 8

#2823970 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:12

At least it wasn't written in shit....

By robc32ca | 4

#2823984 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:17

reach in and grab you can always wash your hands

COMMENTS

By smurfsarwales | 9

#2823925 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

imustbeinsane | 2

#2823980 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:14

tell everyone that somebody ate then shat your keys

Reply

ThanksKarma | 0

#2824027 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:28

That's disgusting but nothing you can do. From now on I recommend keeping a hanger one of those Gopher grabby extension hands handy.

Reply

ninjaniki | 0

#2824082 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 13:01

I'm surprised that someone saw the keys, did a dump on them, and then wrote a personalized message for the owner of the keys to read for when they came back to retrieve them from the bowl.

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#2824783 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 14:43

well, shit does happen

Reply

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2824847 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:08

Atleast they didn't flush or steal the keys .

Reply

ILOLatmockdaweek | 0

#2825359 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:01

18- I'd be suprised if no one did something like that. it's funny...

Reply

Bobissmall | 13

#2825514 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:33

It would be funnier if they'd flushed it and still done the shit.

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2825523 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:36

well isn't this is a crappy situation ?

Reply

blankaex | 0

#2825750 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 18:30

Don't have hands?

Reply

Andrew1122 | 0

#2827088 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:20

sounds like a shitty situation to me

By jeffreebitch | 0

#2823926 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:04

pine apple butter scotch rub your chest and touch your crotch. :D

Reply

Justforlolz | 13

#2824092 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 13:07

Please enlighten me on on exactly what the FUCK does that have to do with this FML?

Reply

blahadv | 0

#2824105 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 13:16

hahaha its funny because he's a guy..

By south_butt24 | 0

#2823928 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:04

fyl!

Reply

whybother8 | 0

#2824868 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:13

shitted on em! put your number twos' in the air if you did it on em!

Reply

atthegates | 0

#2824905 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:26

funniest fml in a long time. amazing

Reply

nfc14 | 2

#2824907 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:27

Shit happens

Reply

nfc14 | 2

#2824913 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:29

shit happens

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#2828641 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 4:59

#47

I like that song!

Reply

lovepebbles | 1

#2834179 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:49

LOVE IT!!!

By RayneStorm93 | 0

#2823948 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:09

I'd find the chick with that same lipstick and punch her in the throat. She shouldn't be hard to find if she works with you;)

Reply

SirObvious | 1

#2825403 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 17:13

this girl if fuggin gross if she writes shit on walls using lipstick.

Reply

ChibiChibi_fml | 27

#2825998 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 19:10

Except there is that pesky problem of of the lipstick not being personally made for an individual person so more than one woman can be wearing that shade.

Reply

forkphoe | 0

#2826077 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 19:17

I like the use of "punch in the throat"

Reply

crazytay | 0

#2842343 - Friday 8 July 2011 0:58

lmao funny.

By theunwiseone | 4

#2823958 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:11

My eyes,my eyes!

By LadyClarik | 8

#2823970 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:12

At least it wasn't written in shit....

Reply

HouseKeeping | 0

#2827869 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 0:16

The first time I read the FML, that's what I was expecting.

By rawrlily | 0

#2823982 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:15

You are not funny.

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2824705 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 14:08

WTF?

Reply

Sacurason | 0

#2826429 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 20:03

...I don't understand your comment, but I love the Palin pancake head picture.

By robc32ca | 4

#2823984 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:17

reach in and grab you can always wash your hands

Reply

coolp3rson | 0

#2827289 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 22:47

ya but its still gross. I wouldn't do it

Reply

ILUVMSC | 5

#2827718 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:54

so ud rather come back to find that?

Reply

coolp3rson | 0

#2829519 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 8:47

Ohh I thought u ment after someone pooped in it hah ok ignore my comment

Reply

missababgaga | 19

#5013233 - Sunday 7 October 2012 0:41

Thats what she said...

Reply

Gemma_Mansonite | 20

#6160679 - Friday 2 January 2015 12:31

#125:
I thought that as well at first aha

Reply

ApocaClips | 5

#6727844 - Monday 26 December 2016 3:23

but then you realize the lady probably flushed the keys then shat

By hunterrrc | 5

#2824001 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:21

do you still get your keys out?

Reply

LexxyLiime | 0

#2826909 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 21:57

Did*
Have fun thumbing me down.

Reply

EatnBeef | 7

#2828852 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 5:52

I had fun thumbing up actually.

Reply

lizzie1441 | 0

#2855887 - Saturday 9 July 2011 15:24

ur cool.

By A100893 | 30

#2824005 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 12:23

Well that's a.... nope. too easy.

Sucks for you, but everyone poops. Get used to it in case you ever have children.